Unfortunately, when we believe that they "can't live without us", they believe that too. We reinforce their inadequacy. Their inability to function. And we feed our own egos too.
That was one of the most difficult lessons I needed to learn as the mother of an adult alcoholic. Every single time that I came to his rescue or did things for him that he was perfectly capable of doing for himself, I reinforced that he was INcapable. What a terrible thing for a mother to do!
I am learning that he IS capable. He CAN succeed without my interference. He'll make mistakes but HE's the one who needs to fix them.......not me.
Your wife is sick. yes. So is my son. But she will live without you.
The changes that I am working on are so very counter intuitive for me (and it sounds like they are for you too). The changes are against my very nature. But I see that the changes I am making are the best thing for ME and for my son.
gentle hugs