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Hi, it's been a long time since I checked in... Here's the story

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Hi, it's been a long time since I checked in... Here's the story

Old 06-15-2008, 09:34 PM
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Hi, it's been a long time since I checked in... Here's the story

Last time I was here, I wrote that we were done... Well as you can guess we're not.... I asked her tonight to go to rehab... Told her that I wasn't in love with her anymore... I do love her, but she has hurt me in so many ways and I don't trust her anymore. So I don't feel in love at this point..... I'm afraid to let her go because I will feel terrible if she falls apart... I think I'm the only one holding her together.... She does love me, she's just a very sick person.... I've asked her to move out several times, but she won't do it...... A very hard life to live.
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:47 PM
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Over the past few months I have been able to detach from the alcholism... I really don't care anymore, but the alcholism affects their behavior and that's the part that is impossible to live with at times.. It's a life of insanity, but I do see the beauty in her and the possibilities if she ever beats her demons, she says I have faults too and of course I do, but alcholism is often a hellish thing to live with... I have found out that I'm compassionate and sympathetic to a fault... I'm afraid to let her go because I don't think she'll make it. We did marry for better or worse.
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:56 PM
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Yes you did but I bet that when you said the words: "I do"....you did not mean that you would do it all........

Alcoholism is very demanding and taxing in that us codies can never do enough......as far as our alcoholic spouses feel anyway. I lived with my XAH for 22 years and its been almost 3 years since my discovery day concerning his affair and all of the drama that went with it....and looking back today. The best thing he did for us was to leave us. But in getting back to you....only YOU can say whats best for you hun. You will know when the time is right to leave it all behind. They say that when the pain of staying out weighs the pain of leaving then thats probably the right time. She will do just fine but she will have to go through an adjustment period and you may want to go no contact for the first year or so.

Good luck and glad you are back

Janitw
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Janitw View Post
Yes you did but I bet that when you said the words: "I do"....you did not mean that you would do it all........

Alcoholism is very demanding and taxing in that us codies can never do enough......as far as our alcoholic spouses feel anyway. I lived with my XAH for 22 years and its been almost 3 years since my discovery day concerning his affair and all of the drama that went with it....and looking back today. The best thing he did for us was to leave us. But in getting back to you....only YOU can say whats best for you hun. You will know when the time is right to leave it all behind. They say that when the pain of staying out weighs the pain of leaving then thats probably the right time. She will do just fine but she will have to go through an adjustment period and you may want to go no contact for the first year or so.

Good luck and glad you are back


Janitw
Thanks! I'm just speechless right now. I don't know what to do.
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:09 PM
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I've never been with a woman that wouldn't leave me. LOL..... I've only had 3 long term relationships. Was married 10 years, but she left me. I've never been the one to do the leaving and it's not an easy thing to do.... I've asked her please if you won't stop drinking just leave... But she won't... Her friends say that I'm the first man she has truly loved... Kind of scares me right now... I have loved her also and still do, but I know this is no way to live.
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Old 06-16-2008, 08:12 AM
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You say you're afraid of what might happen to her without you. What is happening to her with you? Are you saving her from her demons? Is she getting better or worse?

It was a really hard thing for me to realize, but by staying with my husband, propping him up financially, cleaning up his messes, I was actually contributing to his alcoholism. I was enabling him to continue killing himself.

Now, that's not to say that if you stop "supporting" her, she will automatically get better. That's entirely up to her. But, I can tell you from my own experience and from stories I read on this board that it is a near certainty that if you continue to "help" she will NOT get any better.

I hope you find some peace. If I remember correctly, there are children involved, yes?

L
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Old 06-16-2008, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by sad#3 View Post
I'm afraid to let her go because I will feel terrible if she falls apart... I think I'm the only one holding her together
Is your wife an adult? If yes, then you are not responsible for "holding her together". In fact, you are not doing that. You are enabling her to continue doing everything that she has always done. She is doing exactly what she wants, and you are only standing by watching it happen. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you don't control it (or something like that).

Only you can decide when enough is enough. And that doesn't mean that you two have to break up (unless of course that's where things land). It sounds to me like you need a good dose of boundaries to protect yourself. Unfortunately I had to leave my STBXAH due to his love affair with the bottle. I wish I had found this place sooner so that I could begin to understand how I could help myself and possibly save my marriage. It can be done, but what you are doing now is the definition of insanity...doing the same things and expecting different results.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:00 AM
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Unfortunately, when we believe that they "can't live without us", they believe that too. We reinforce their inadequacy. Their inability to function. And we feed our own egos too.

That was one of the most difficult lessons I needed to learn as the mother of an adult alcoholic. Every single time that I came to his rescue or did things for him that he was perfectly capable of doing for himself, I reinforced that he was INcapable. What a terrible thing for a mother to do!

I am learning that he IS capable. He CAN succeed without my interference. He'll make mistakes but HE's the one who needs to fix them.......not me.

Your wife is sick. yes. So is my son. But she will live without you.

The changes that I am working on are so very counter intuitive for me (and it sounds like they are for you too). The changes are against my very nature. But I see that the changes I am making are the best thing for ME and for my son.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:05 AM
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I think I'm the only one holding her together
You're fooling yourself.
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Old 06-16-2008, 03:55 PM
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So, she says 'you have faults too.'
IMHO, that is a classic A tactic to take the focus off themselves and whatever they are doing. They say it 'cos they know that you will buy into it and feel somehow inadequate or undeserving or guilty. Then you will think that you can't have expectations of them 'cos of those faults.
I've been listening to my ASO tell me that for years. As a result, I kept thinking that I couldn't have any expectations of him 'cos I wasn't, um, perfect! Now I'm starting to think that that is pretty silly. Sure, I have faults but mine don't involve endagering my child driving under the influence or spending money we can't afford or keeping illegal drugs in our house and car.

You sound as if you are beating yourself up and taking on a ton of responsibility for your AW unecessarily. All the other comments here about you 'holding her together' make sense to me. If you're not in love with her and her behaviour is insane, maybe you need to hold onto those two facts as you decide what to do, instead of worrying about how your behaviour (faults) might affect her.

Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for yourself. She is definitely doing what she thinks that she needs to do regardless of the consequences for you.
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