Super, I too have a tendency to try to figure out the cr@p that causes addiction and relapse and depression and whatever else. I never do figure out any of it, either. What helps me when I have those black feelings of cold despair is to "act as if" I feel better than I do, make myself get up, do what I have to do, excercise, go to meetings, go to work, call my friends in recovery, etc...I always always feel better when I take some positive actions, never when I think it through and dwell on it. That might just be me though, I don't know if it works that way for others.