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question about relapse/ mentaility?

Old 06-05-2008, 07:06 AM
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question about relapse/ mentaility?

hi everyone, im not really doing too good im afraid. gonna just keep fighting on to keep my head above water.
I wanted to throw this out there and see what people think, ive done an awful lot of thinking and writing stuff down about the thoughts and things that were happening in my looney headspace before i picked up.
Ive noticed that before i did pick up my mood for a good two weeks prior was becoming more and more erratic, i have also noted that i spontaniously spent money i didnt have- called up old friends i know are no good for me, and reverted to ways of thinking about my partner that i thought i had moved on from , - i was suddenly being very reckless, this behaviour was going on for quite some time before i did the deed and picked up, i dunno i seem to crash- if that makes sense? im doing good, feeling good, everythings ok and right and i love the world and my family and my life then its almost like a darkness descends on me and i go somewhere very very black and horrible- i dont like myself when im like that- but also feel COMPLETELY unable to snap out of it i get agitated and frustrated and feel utterly hopeless.
The trouble is its so hard to work out wether i have some kind of mental illness or the alcohol has MADE me mentally ill
That said my mood and generel state of mind after 60 + days sobriety was quite stable until that week when everything went so crazy- outside of me things were happening that were not too pleasent to deal with , INSIDE of me it was like a warzone- are these just typical symptoms of pre- picking up and relapse- or does anyone think there is something else going on?
I know no med advice but just wondering if anyone can share their experiences, im trying so hard to learn about the time approaching me picking up so i can address it and NOT pick up again
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Old 06-05-2008, 07:56 AM
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Well, it's really great that you can see a pattern in your behaviour in the weeks before you started using. I was like that too. At first, I would think it was just a spontaneous thing, and I would find myself in the wine aisle at the supermarket. But, after getting some perspective, I see that I was heading that way for days before it happened.

You really should talk to your dr about your moods. It's possible he will have some insight and maybe antidepressants will help you.
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:35 AM
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That is good that you know yourself well enough to see what you are doing. I did the same thing. I was looking at the whole picture that led me back to drinking.

I went and talked with a couseler because I thought I just lost my mind. Was put on medication for a while. But I took some behavior classes to deal with anxiety. Went off medication after 6 months and done well. It does take a while for your body to heal. I was soooo happy that I did get better. Because for a while I thought I messed myself up so bad that I would never be right again.

I hope this helps you. A doctor understands and they want to help.
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:36 AM
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Many will say that a person's relapse starts well before they drink/use.

Drugs & alcohol usually are used to self-medicate an existing problem.

See a medical professional (doctor) for an analysis, maybe attend some AA/NA meetings, keep learning about yourself - and importantly - stop back here and let everyone know how you are doing...!
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:15 AM
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I Can Relate, I'vebeen&outof This Program For About 12 Years And Been Through Numorous Treatment Centers, And I Can Talk The AA Talk And Quote Stuff Out The Big Book, Wisdom Never Could Keep Me Clean/sober. By Working The 12 Steps With My Sponsor Teaches Me How To Deal With The Thinking That Comes Right Before I Want To Use/drink. I Try Not To Tell Someone What To Do Becuase I Know When Someone Does That To Me My Mind Closes. Somyexperience Is To Have Faith And To Say Consistant. Getting Clean/sober Never Was A Problem, The staying Clean/sober Was. I Hope This Helps Someone.
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:20 AM
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interestingly enough- i managed to aprehend a PLANNED relapse not so long ago- at around 50 days- i knew where iwas going and what i was planning and i took the steps i needed to to avoid it happening- this one was not planned- if that makes sense? i seemed to just end up drinking with out ANY of the pre meditative thoughts id had the first time round- i am a fool for thinking it would be so easy , just trying to make sense of what was going on this time i guess
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Old 06-05-2008, 09:29 AM
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I'vedid That Also Many Times, And For Me I Just Wanted To Be High/drunk More Than I Wanted To Be Clean/sober That Day, I Chose Not To Play With My Recovery That Way Anymore. You Are Stronger Than You Think You Are.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:15 AM
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its in my nature to think too much , critisize and self analyse my actions, maybe im not "keeping it simple" enough.
My husband asked me today why the hell i cant just enjoy what i have without constantly looking for flaws, at this moment in time just existing is wearing me out.
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Old 06-05-2008, 11:38 AM
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Super,

I've been thinking about you since I last logged off yesterday. I think you are doing the best anyone can. All we can do is be honest, think as truthfully and deeply as we can about our situation so that we can improve, and don't pick up.

When you describe your situation and your actions prior to relapsing, it sounds like you are worried about a mental disorder. And my guess is that you are worried about Bipolar Disorder? Super, the only thing to do to address that fear is to see a good mental health professional.

I think I've mentioned I have Bipolar Disorder and so part of me is tempted to tell my story. But I think it's like any other disorder or illness - the more you fear it and read up on it and think about, the easier it is to convince yourself you have it. And to imagine all kinds of terrible scenarios - to see it as this huge boulder that's going to come crashing down on you. And I don't want to add to that.

So here is what I can say:

First: Having a consultation with a good mental health professional is much less scary and disturbing than spending days, weeks, months imagining that you have a mental disorder and imagining the consequences.

Second: Having Bipolar is not the end of the world. Any mental illness has a stigma but Bipolar Disorder is very treatable and manageable. And the treatment for Bipolar is 110 times better than the disorder itself. I thank God every day I was diagnosed so that I could learn to control it.

Third: My alcoholism and my Bipolar Disorder work hand and hand. Drinking made me manic. And mania and depression made me want to drink. Ugly cycle.

So, I really hope you make an appointment with a good mental health professional. And I hope that in the meantime, you don't worry too much. Again, you are doing a very good job of handling many difficult things right now. And you have my support and admiration and I know many others here feel the same way. Hang in there. And be nice to yourself.

Love, MLE
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeeplady View Post

So, my whole point is.....your trigger to relapse may not be what you think it is. Think back to that time and maybe you had something else that was going on that triggered your desire to drink. Something less obvious.
Your right on with that! It may not be stress at all...I know for me its tiggers or old habbits that become automatic. I feel like am on auto pilot at times! Get off work and each day I have a bar or restaurant go to on that day where the servers or bartenters are expecting me to show. Its sick because I feel guilty if I don't and go to a different place WOW now that's booze talking LOL! Another one is tonight I should be at Fox Sports Grill watching the NBA playoffs Lakers Celtic's with the gang....all I have been thinking about today but already told myself staying home, cooking and watch the game!
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Old 06-05-2008, 02:48 PM
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Everything you've written about is familiar to me...and I don't have bipolar disorder.

To me it was just the normal cycle of things inside the insanity of chronic alcoholism - the obsessions, the manic highs and lows, the almost endless tug of war between what I should do and what I want...

I stopped drinking and - it took months rather than weeks - but I have returned to a state I remember as being normal for me before I started drinking.

I'm not a dr tho and I wouldn't diagnose here even if I was - I do agree with just about everyone here in suggesting a consultation with a Dr. might help.

D
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:09 PM
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Super, I too have a tendency to try to figure out the cr@p that causes addiction and relapse and depression and whatever else. I never do figure out any of it, either. What helps me when I have those black feelings of cold despair is to "act as if" I feel better than I do, make myself get up, do what I have to do, excercise, go to meetings, go to work, call my friends in recovery, etc...I always always feel better when I take some positive actions, never when I think it through and dwell on it. That might just be me though, I don't know if it works that way for others.
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Old 06-05-2008, 07:56 PM
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My worst trigger is stress. Last weekend was so stressful I was overcome with too much going on and family members being here from out of town. I am learning how to cope with these stressful thoughts and feelings without picking up a drink.

It's hard to have to admit my powerlessness but I have to admit it (again) and give my struggle over to God (again) so I have someone greater than myself in my corner.

I hope my last relapse is indeed my last. I'm getting too old and tired to keep going thru this crap.
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Old 06-06-2008, 01:35 AM
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thank you all so much it really helps me to know people understand.
I just dont get it- all my life the simple things other people just DO naturally are such a HUGE effort for me, all my adult life , for instance i have never been able to initiate any kind of physical affection, it renders me utterly paralysed.
Sometime looking out through my eyes it feels as though the rest of the world are getting on with life and being normal while i sit here and rot with all my stupid problems and issues that i never seem to resolve.
What the hell is wrong with me? i dont have a bad life, i have a home, a job three beautiful children, i dont know why "i" cant cope when others can, it makes me so angry.
I know PLENTY of people who drink like i did- i know plenty of people who drink more than me too- my husband being one of them! and you know what? IT DOESNT BOTHER THEM ONE BIT. they never stress about it, worry about it, obsess about it- i cant decide if my worrying and quest for self improvement is a GOOD thing or actually A BAD AND TOXIC THING!
so so confused at the moment, i think i will take your advie and just see a dr- he must be getting pretty sick of the sight of me now
My brother is bi-polar and has had three shizophrenic episodes, he has been sectioned severel times, and is a chronic advanced alcoholic too.
I just want to run from myself but theres nowhere i can go

Last edited by supernothing; 06-06-2008 at 01:37 AM. Reason: sp mistake
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Old 06-06-2008, 02:06 AM
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Usually, when I drink, or relapse, it is because I just wanted to. I didn't want to call anyone, I didn't want to ask for help. I would just go to the wine aisle at the grocery store, grab up a bottle and skip all the way home.

Logical? Not in the least. Was I obscessing over it for days? No. So, why did I do it? Because I wanted to. Period.

Stupid? Absolutely.

That's just me, though. The way I look at it, is that alcoholics, drink. Drug addicts use drugs. That's just what we do, hence our titles! So, I think it's natural to want to go back out...at least for a while. I think the 'cravings' subside over time, but, the beast will always be out there lurking, waiting for a weak moment to pounce. I just have to not be stupid, and say to myself, "hey, there's my friend, the beast! Let's catch up!"

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