Super,
I've been thinking about you since I last logged off yesterday. I think you are doing the best anyone can. All we can do is be honest, think as truthfully and deeply as we can about our situation so that we can improve, and don't pick up.
When you describe your situation and your actions prior to relapsing, it sounds like you are worried about a mental disorder. And my guess is that you are worried about Bipolar Disorder? Super, the only thing to do to address that fear is to see a good mental health professional.
I think I've mentioned I have Bipolar Disorder and so part of me is tempted to tell my story. But I think it's like any other disorder or illness - the more you fear it and read up on it and think about, the easier it is to convince yourself you have it. And to imagine all kinds of terrible scenarios - to see it as this huge boulder that's going to come crashing down on you. And I don't want to add to that.
So here is what I can say:
First: Having a consultation with a good mental health professional is much less scary and disturbing than spending days, weeks, months imagining that you have a mental disorder and imagining the consequences.
Second: Having Bipolar is not the end of the world. Any mental illness has a stigma but Bipolar Disorder is very treatable and manageable. And the treatment for Bipolar is 110 times better than the disorder itself. I thank God every day I was diagnosed so that I could learn to control it.
Third: My alcoholism and my Bipolar Disorder work hand and hand. Drinking made me manic. And mania and depression made me want to drink. Ugly cycle.
So, I really hope you make an appointment with a good mental health professional. And I hope that in the meantime, you don't worry too much. Again, you are doing a very good job of handling many difficult things right now. And you have my support and admiration and I know many others here feel the same way. Hang in there. And be nice to yourself.
Love, MLE