dixied..
well...first of all...i just want to say that the addict in my life is my exah. we have a 9 yr old son together and I only wish that my exah's parents had played some sort of a role or offered some kind of support (not financial...just emotional and moral support) when things went bad with my exah and his addiction.
My exah's parents (now both deceased) turned a deaf ear and blind eye to the problems that were going on. I never wanted financial help because I figured I was an adult and they didn't 'owe' me anything financially...but I sure could have used a little support from them...even if only just a listening, sympathetic ear and some moral support...or even some type of acknowledgement of the pain I felt due to their son's addiction.
Your dil sounds like she has been blessed by your help but she sounds seriously lacking in gratitude and compassion. Its not right to use children or grandchildren as a pawn. Do you think she had concerns that you would allow unsupervised visits with your son or that you might say or do something that would confuse the children as far as their dad goes? I'm not saying that you would do any of these things...I'm just saying that maybe she is a little over protective...I know I may have been a bit over protective of my son at times but when your dealing with addiction, its hard to know where to draw the line sometimes...sometimes you just have to err on the side of caution.
Your dil is probably just very hurt and very protective of her children. I'm not saying that she is handling the whole situation the right way...but I understand where some of her behavior might be coming from.
Like...with the car as an example...if your son were to get in an accident while high and hurt someone, whoeever got injured might have come after her (as the spouse) for damages.
I know that some of hte things I have done to protect myself legally from the actions of my exah have come off as cruel and uncaring to him (and some of his supporters), I know that my intention in doing these things (like not allowing him to live with me or drive a car that I own) has more to do with self-preservation than getting back or getting even.
I've said some pretty unkind things about my exah in my day...I've ranted and raved about what a loser he is...about how much I hated him (at times)...I've called him irresponsible, crazy, lazy, selfish, and probably lots of other things too. All of these things came out of the pain I felt and the fear I felt and they weren't really true because no matter what, I still loved my exah. So even though your dil is talking about divorcing him and calling him a crack head and other mean things, she may just be expressing some of the pain she feels. And, believe me, a woman who is married to an addict who has a small child that she is left to take care of on her own due to her husband's addiction is a very hurt, fearful and angry woman (at least until she finds recovery for herself...)
I'm not saying that anything she is doing or saying is right...not at all...with recovery she could get past the anger and fear and move into a healthier place not just for her but for her child and everyone involved...but we all know that she won't set out on the path to recovery until she is tired of living in the problem.
I'm sure its so difficult to be in your position...to long to see and help your grandchild but to feel so hurt and betrayed by your dil. My hope and prayer is that your dil will at least realize how lucky she is to have your support...I know I would have appreciated a little support and love from my exah's parents...I had to learn to live without it but it sure would have been nice. Be proud of the fact that you've been so supportive and generous because not all in-laws would do what you have done to help make the situation a little easier... For now...I guess just knowing that you've tried to do the right thing has to be your biggest consolation since it doesn't sound like you're going to get the affirmation or appreciation that you deserve from dil.
I know I've rambled a bit here...
You have my prayers and a hug too...:ghug3