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this is too weird for me......never in a million years

Old 05-29-2008, 08:30 AM
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this is too weird for me......never in a million years

friends,

I want to tell you something that happened. It is just ironic to tell the truth. I was reading some "back" posts on SR and someone mentioned a website that they had visited. Never having heard of it I thought maybe it might shed some light on my son's issues. So I went there and scrolled down the first page and didn't see much I felt interested in. Same with page 2. Then I was pretty bored but I thought to myself I might as well check page 3 Well, on page 3, believe it or not was a post by my daughter-in- law. She told what she really thought of my son, what she planned to do etc. etc. So what are the chances in all of cyber world that I would have found that post at this particular time in my life? Think it was my HP directing me? I was just before giving her some financial help but right now I think I am going to wait a bit. I am ashamed to say but when I give the financial help (I do it for my only grandchild) doors open and I get to see him more. Sorry but it's the truth and I do believe he gets the benefit of the $$$$. She really is a good mother except that she feels the need to limit my visits to get to know my grandson. I pretty much have to jump through hoops to make that happen.
My son is starting his six month in rehab and she has made her intentions known that she plans to divorce him. But she spells out a lot of things as to what she wants and why in this post. She even signs her name and location.
Don't you think it strange that I found it? Thank you..........dixied
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:33 AM
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that IS strange, but I've begun to think that a lot of coincidences are HP showing me something I need to see.

I'm sorry that she is limiting your time with your grandson...that is really unfair.

YOU, on the other hand have been sounding like you're doing pretty darn good, lately

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:06 AM
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Wow! That is very inspiring. I believe that was meant for you to see. We are being looked after......that is just proof of that.

Glad you got to see that.

Hugs............Lo
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:55 AM
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Dear Dixied, Yes that was amazing, but when you think about the HP we serve its not surprising.
Glad you saw it & I hope it helps you,
Diane
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Old 05-29-2008, 10:23 AM
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thank you for the replies.....I don't know how much it will help (reading her post)but it made me see things more clearly. One thing that hurt was that she referred to him as her CHH and that it seemed like the victims "never got a break" all the while we have been caring for her financially and numerous other things to make it easier on her. One thing that I have come to terms with is that my grandson really won't know me as his grandmom but more like the lady that "drops in" now and then and it isn't my choosing for it to be that way. She asked my son ....when was I going to learn you get "asked" to babysit you don't "volunteer". So with that I have backed away from her financially and emotionally. I still would not let my little grandson knowingly go without. But just to keep handing over $$$ to her and let her treat me like that really isn't goof for me emotionally either. And it did hurt for me to see her refer to my son as a CHH. That was tough. Especially when he has been in rehab for over six months really trying from all reports. He is six hours away and she refuses to bring his son to him or let me take him. My son can get a three day pass and she isn't agreeable to letting him come over to see his child.(And he owns the home she is staying in) Mind you there are no divorce papers in place, no restraining order and my son has never been incarcerated. So basically my son hasn't seen his child in six months. It's his child too and there ought to be something you could do but that is out of my hula -hoop zone so I'll leave it alone. Thanks for reading.......dixied
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Old 05-29-2008, 10:34 AM
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You doing good Dixie, I admire you. I volunteer all the time to baby sit. What rules is she reading from?

I am an idiot, but what is CCH??

susan
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Old 05-29-2008, 10:56 AM
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sorry nana it was a typo.........I meant CHH standing for crack head husband.
my old age is kicking in.........regarding my dil.......I always call first before I go over. I can never just "drop by" that is a no-no.
This is a little incident that happened .........really the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back...........
I got my brother to find a man that would paint an area on my dil's house that badly needed it. I paid for the paint and labor. My brother asked if I would go over there and take the painter some water and food for lunch because my brother was on the other side of town. Well, I did that and thought since I was over there I could knock on the door to see my grandson. An adult babysitter was there as well as her teen age daughter. I identified myself and asked if I could see my grandson. The babysitter let me in and she was nice and I had no reason to think anything to the contrary.
It was a short visit and later on in the week I dropped by again and dil's mom was the babysitter but when the dil came home she was rude, did not acknowledge me so I excused myself and left. Later on (a few days later) I called and asked if there was a problem to which she replied I had gone over and frightened her babysitter........mind you the babysitter was an adult, she had her daughter there too, I stood on the porch and identified myself and the main reason I went over there was to take a man some food and water for lunch and he was there because I was paying to have the house she was living in painted. So I ask you, how do you deal with someone like that? Her answer to many issues is the silent treatment. I may add I am used to it by now.....sort of no way for me to win but I see her less and less and tell her very little. But the post she did was most enlightening as to what is in store for me and my family.........thanks for listening. It did feel good for me to get this off my chest..........dixied
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:01 AM
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She is angry, and I understand that completely. However, you didnt' do anything wrong! She is taking it out on the wrong person. Sounds like she could use a few meetings!

Knowing me I'd probably say the wrong thing to her! You have every right to see that baby. She knows it and sound as if she is manipulating you. She knows you will help her, you have. She knows you will give $$, you do. All the while she is the puppet master dangleing the baby.

Grandparents have rights too. You are no responsible for what your son has or has not done. Why is there always a sitter there? I thought she didn't/couldn't work??
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:26 AM
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callie,

due to my helping financially, which I no longer do she works part-time from 1-5 p.m. three days a week and 9-5 two days a week so she would be eligible for the insurance plan. her mom comes over the part-time days. during the summer she has a sitter on the 9-5 days. during the school year(he is in nursery school run by the church) on the full-time days my parents pay for his nursery expense. You follow? I know what my son did was not right. I make no excuses but I do think we have tried the best we could(as family) to step up to the plate. We make all home repairs, cut the grass, and with my contribution it allowed her to keep the part-time job. However, that might change since she wants the divorce but yet hasn't sent papers. The circumstances, I believe, really got everyone off on the wrong foot and too much has been siad by both sides for it to ever succeed........I was invited for his bd party but only one person acknowledged me during the entire party..........talk about awkward.....would not want to go through it again.....dixied
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:42 AM
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I understand she's had a front row seat and is entitled to her anger, and I also understand that everyone is doing whatever they can to help her and your grandson, which is a lot. So am I out of line by calling her an ungrateful whiner and vindictive? I just felt like someone needed to say it. I sure was thinking it!
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:00 PM
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chino,
she enjoys playing "the wronged party". You know my family didn't have to do anything for her. She knew my son had a problem before she got pregnant but she tends to forget that issue. The counselor even told her that she had the right to get an annulement(before the pregnancy) but she chose not to. So many of my friends say she is a big girl and knew from that point what she was getting into. I guess I was honestly ashamed of my son's actions and I was trying to make things better the only way I knew how. My son had a trust fund which I gave monthly from to her. She got about 1k a month......now that is depleted. The angriest I ever got is when she had two cars (1 my son bought her) one her dad gave her.........well, when my son relapsed she refused to let him use either car and he had to bike three miles one way to work.......and he was working two jobs sleeping on a friend's couch while she remained in the house with two cars in the driveway. My counselor says that was a demoralizing thing to my son and though it is not an excuse it was easy for him to slip back into drug use. At least it was his take. She felt he didn't "deserve" a car which also made it prety hard to get to his AA meetings........pretty soon he gave up and my dh and I talked to him and he agreed to go back to rehab. He has been there six months. Probably more than you ever wanted to know but I think since she refuses Al-Anon that as the counselor says my son will have a better chance at sobriety dissolving the marriage.......his thoughts not mine. Thanks for listening...........dixied
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:40 PM
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dixied, I just said a prayer for your son's ongoing recovery, sobriety and serenity. I said them for you too. I also asked that God help the DIL find a grateful and humble heart. Prayers for your grandson, that he is nurtured in a loving environment.
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:19 PM
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dixied..

well...first of all...i just want to say that the addict in my life is my exah. we have a 9 yr old son together and I only wish that my exah's parents had played some sort of a role or offered some kind of support (not financial...just emotional and moral support) when things went bad with my exah and his addiction.

My exah's parents (now both deceased) turned a deaf ear and blind eye to the problems that were going on. I never wanted financial help because I figured I was an adult and they didn't 'owe' me anything financially...but I sure could have used a little support from them...even if only just a listening, sympathetic ear and some moral support...or even some type of acknowledgement of the pain I felt due to their son's addiction.

Your dil sounds like she has been blessed by your help but she sounds seriously lacking in gratitude and compassion. Its not right to use children or grandchildren as a pawn. Do you think she had concerns that you would allow unsupervised visits with your son or that you might say or do something that would confuse the children as far as their dad goes? I'm not saying that you would do any of these things...I'm just saying that maybe she is a little over protective...I know I may have been a bit over protective of my son at times but when your dealing with addiction, its hard to know where to draw the line sometimes...sometimes you just have to err on the side of caution.

Your dil is probably just very hurt and very protective of her children. I'm not saying that she is handling the whole situation the right way...but I understand where some of her behavior might be coming from.

Like...with the car as an example...if your son were to get in an accident while high and hurt someone, whoeever got injured might have come after her (as the spouse) for damages.

I know that some of hte things I have done to protect myself legally from the actions of my exah have come off as cruel and uncaring to him (and some of his supporters), I know that my intention in doing these things (like not allowing him to live with me or drive a car that I own) has more to do with self-preservation than getting back or getting even.

I've said some pretty unkind things about my exah in my day...I've ranted and raved about what a loser he is...about how much I hated him (at times)...I've called him irresponsible, crazy, lazy, selfish, and probably lots of other things too. All of these things came out of the pain I felt and the fear I felt and they weren't really true because no matter what, I still loved my exah. So even though your dil is talking about divorcing him and calling him a crack head and other mean things, she may just be expressing some of the pain she feels. And, believe me, a woman who is married to an addict who has a small child that she is left to take care of on her own due to her husband's addiction is a very hurt, fearful and angry woman (at least until she finds recovery for herself...)

I'm not saying that anything she is doing or saying is right...not at all...with recovery she could get past the anger and fear and move into a healthier place not just for her but for her child and everyone involved...but we all know that she won't set out on the path to recovery until she is tired of living in the problem.

I'm sure its so difficult to be in your position...to long to see and help your grandchild but to feel so hurt and betrayed by your dil. My hope and prayer is that your dil will at least realize how lucky she is to have your support...I know I would have appreciated a little support and love from my exah's parents...I had to learn to live without it but it sure would have been nice. Be proud of the fact that you've been so supportive and generous because not all in-laws would do what you have done to help make the situation a little easier... For now...I guess just knowing that you've tried to do the right thing has to be your biggest consolation since it doesn't sound like you're going to get the affirmation or appreciation that you deserve from dil.

I know I've rambled a bit here...
You have my prayers and a hug too...:ghug3
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Old 05-29-2008, 02:14 PM
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Dixied,
Wow that is a Godincidence, isn't it!
Anyway, what I would do, and mind you, this is ONLY what I would do...is see a lawyer. If your son is written as the father of that child on the birth certificate, then you are entitled to "Grandparents rights" which includes visitation...check it out.


This post makes me kind of angry, because my sons GF took my grandaughter away when she was 18 months old, and I haven't seen her since. She would be 14 now. I went to a lawyer, but my sons name wasn't on the birth certificate. (smart girl, actually)

Hugs,
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Old 05-29-2008, 03:59 PM
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Whew... this is a tough one.
Remember... cunning.. confusing.. and all of that stuff!!
Ditto to what outonalimb was saying..

I would just like to add a couple of things-
My experience.. It took seven treatments and losing everything before I finally divorced my husband. I was still very much in love with him (at the time). There just was no other way..
When I eventually started to let go and detach- I did it in anger. Very tough.. appeared very strong. The reality was- I was so darn sad and scared to death!!

Dixied- I used to be a member on another site before I came here. I wonder if it could be the same. I disagreed with some of the philosophies there. So much anger.. also the belief that crack addicts are all the same and never recover- hopeless.

I disagree.. it is a progressive disease. Just because my ex never got sober and into recovery does NOT mean, no one else will. Anyway- most end up eventually leaving that site- the anger and negativity starts to eat one up!

My experience as a DIL... well addicts don't always tell the truth. My ex did the divide and conquer thing. He told me alot about his family, father- I wonder if it is actually true? Because I know that he lied to them about me!!

It is WONDERFUL that you are helping your dil and grandson out so much- financially and physically!! Frankly just my opinion- boundaries but I wouldn't stop. She may not be grateful now- your grandson may not realize today. But I bet you that someday they will!! If not them- you know!!! G*d knows!!

Your dil is probably trying to figure out her life. Its true what outonalimb said about the car, even the home. Many consequenses there. Legal ones.
I can tell you this- It about killed me to say "no" and it was a "no win" situation.. exhausting. I was either being so mean to him or... from many of the people who are involved in both aa and alanon- I was an enabler- my fault.. If I would just let him hit his bottom.. then.

Lastly... boundaries-
Please don't take offense here. We all have different "norms" and family dynamics- I come from a family where there were little to no boundaries- My family would just stop by, open the frig- heck read a letter on the desk..
My ex's the opposite- we called and we rang the door bell.

Neither family, I believe was balanced.. I am trying to teach myself balance- my children. Frankly I don't like it when my own mother stops by when I have a babysitter. The babysitter tends to get uncomfortable- she stays forever and takes over... the plans change- who is in charge. I had one once tell me- "next time your mom comes over to visit, why doesn't she just stay and babysit?"

Anyway- I know there were times when I was very sensitive to my privacy and my own space. It was not the other people- it was me. I was falling apart and I didn't want anyone to see it- I needed some warning. Oh they told me THEY didn't care- if the house was clean, it was okay if I also looked like crap. But I cared...

I was used to having everything all in order.. clean.. and no it was not even about how others would perceive me- think of me. To this day- I just love a clean house!! For me!!

I'm rambling- sorry..
Wishing you and your family the best.
ugg.. remember what they say.. it is a disease that makes the whole family sick. Ugg- personally I've about had it with this disease... I want one that there is an antibiotic or surgery for!!! Also one where people send over a dinner!! Or are not so darn uncomfortable talking about it!!
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Old 05-29-2008, 04:48 PM
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(((((((Dixied))))))))

Not much to add to the great feedback and support.
Just sendin' ya some prayers.
Some for your son and grandson, too.
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:10 PM
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Dixied,

I am really sorry your dil is treating you like this, I wish my in-laws had been as supportive. They just put their heads in the sand and beleived it wasn't happening. I know they became angry with me because I did much of the same to my husband...would not let him use my car or my cell and only because of the things that went on when I did let him have use of anything. They called me up and gave me sturn talking to and how I was hindering him from getting better. This was after he had talked to them about what I was doing. The only thing that I was hindering him from was getting over to the dealers place in a quick hurry or making phone calls to him or her. I put an old vehicle in my name for him to drive and he had it smashed up in 2 days. My in -law said it wasn't his fault. They gave him their truck to use because I was so mean....well they lived in a different town, but I did get word that he had smashed that up too and racked up their cell phone.

The sad part is, addiction destroys so much, breaks family apart. Everyone involved with the addict becomes so distraught and hurt.

Rose
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