(continuing from my previous post after clicking Submit like a newbie...)
Originally Posted by
strongerwoman 
It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning.
Excellent. You are very aware of your body's reactions. They are perfectly normal and understandable. I had the very same ones just a few months ago. Don't judge them or repress them. Don't use anger to avoid experiencing them. That is an addictive behavior. Take heart and have the courage to experience them fully to completion. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. It is absolutely necessary to heal your losses and not have them haunt you down the road.
If you look in the animal kingdom and watch the behavior of animals that mate for life, you will see behaviors that look like grieving when one of them dies unexpectedly. Mating changes something in their brains, and links them to the other. When there is loss, I believe the brain in the one that is left becomes injured as the link is severed. Think of your nurses training. You are experiencing the psychological equivalent of the physical phenomenon of shock. Shock is a medical emergency. Your brain needs "intensive care". See yourself as needing triage, and be the loving caregiver that you are, to the one who needs you most in this moment: YOU
And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up.
But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly.
It is OK to feel anger. It is not OK to take actions that do not respect the free will choices of another. Find a private outlet for your anger that does not affect anyone. Slam your bed with your pillow. Pound on the door. Scream bloody murder. But don't do this in front of your children. Their physiology may not be able to take it in, and you risk injuring them. Your anger is a natural reaction to trauma. Don't make demands for explanations from AH and GF as a way to cover up or soothe your anger. That's what an addict does. Release the energy in a safe and healthy way, and let them have their life.
I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now.
I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy.
Patients who have lost a limb often report phantom feelings like the missing limb is still there. It takes our brain time to make new connections that reflect the reality of our new situation. You are not a sick puppy. You are an injured one. Lovingly embrace your old hopes and dreams, and gently guide them into your new reality. You are your most trustworthy and devoted partner. You can always count on you. If you find another who will share a life with you, that will be grand. You will grow connections with him, and it will hurt like crazy if something happens and he is lost. That's just how we are.
Like homeostasis in our physical body, we have natural processes to restore balance in our minds when we are disturbed and hurt. The addict manually overrides this process with drugs or behaviors, and sets up a cycle of dysfunction. Our bodies know how to heal themselves. Medicine facilitates the process. When the hammer hits our thumb, we are better off feeling the pain until it goes away.
How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony.
Anxiety may be your body's attempt to get you to stop re-injuring yourself. Remember the rule: NO CONTACT. Get completely honest with yourself. Are you wanting her to say something to make you feel better? If so, how is that different than AH drinking to feel better? You need to rely on you to feel better. If your child was attacked, wouldn't you take steps to protect her from the attacker? You have been attacked. Your inner child is crying out for you to have her back. Don't let her down.
He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP.
I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen.
I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it.
Of course you want all these things.
You're supposed to. That's what mating for life is all about. But he has made a choice to stay addicted, and his beloved is no longer you. His beloved is his addiction. Are there people on this forum who stay with their addict? Yes, with help and support. Are there people who let their partner go, and have a new and fulfilling life? Yes, with help and support. Are you in a healthy and balanced place in your life to make a decision like that? I think you need help and support first. (Yes this applies to me as well - see
projection above
) We here in the Sober Recovery ER and ICU stand ready to help.
Why cant we be worth it?
Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone.
Your vision for yourself and your family is totally worth it. But he has to share that vision for it to work, and you can't control how he thinks or behaves. And until he is in recovery, his addiction will control his thoughts and behaviors. :codiepolice Reality does not suck. Being traumatized sucks. Feeling pain sucks. The earth is so beautiful, the laws of physics are so dependable, our bodies are so wondrous, your vision is so worthy, and your spirit is so true. Your healing journey is so worth it. Do it for your family. Do it for the goodness of YOU.