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conflicting emotions are driving me crazy

Old 05-28-2008, 09:44 PM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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conflicting emotions are driving me crazy

so, my AH just emailed me a horrible, horrible email, he has never spoken to anyone in his life the way he just did to me.

Basically I am a worthless piece of crap, I've never done anything for our marriage or children, and that he is done wasting the best years of his life on someone who has never given anything back.

And none of it makes any sense to me, its all a huge slap in the face.

If he wanted to totally finish me off and devastate me more than he has with all that has happened in the past few days, he did well.

It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning.

And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up.
But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly.

I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now.

I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy.
How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony.

He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP.

I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen.

I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it.
Why cant we be worth it?
Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone.
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Old 05-28-2008, 10:02 PM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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It probably goes without saying but I have severe abandonment issues.

Has anyone successfully dealt with abandonment issues and being betrayed and being left by a spouse?
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Old 05-28-2008, 10:03 PM
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Why cant we be worth it?
You are worth it...and that is reality. What he is doing is reality too, it's sad but that is his choice. You have choices too.

I went to counseling, read alot about codependency and attend Alanon in addition to coming here....all in order to learn how not to let others treat me badly. I needed to learn how to change how I live. There is hope and you are not alone.

There are some good resources for you in the sticky threads that you might want to take a look at.
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:38 AM
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You know

I don't know whether this will help but I actually have saved some nasty messages on my mobile that my ex sent me during an outburst. I read them over if I am feeling weak -

It reminds me "I do not deserve to be hurt / spoken to this way".

Maybe I'm weird - the nasty messages don't hurt me - they make me feel stronger. I had to delete all the loving messages - they - are the ones that rip me apart.

As your name suggests - Stay strong x x x
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Old 05-29-2008, 04:06 AM
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You are worth more than this strongerwoman. You deserve not to be used as someone's emotional punchbag!

My AH lashes out at me like that when he is feeling guilty or bad about himself - which is a lot of the time! Its like he wants me to feel the way he's feeling because that will somehow make him feel better...I think? My budding detachment really helps here! Not that I'm impervious to it all but I try and take any emotional sting from it - he's like a spoiled child lashing out at those closest to him. Imagining quacking instead of words! It has just the same amount of meaning. IMO his head is so messed up with alcoholism that getting him to say what he means is impossible never mind meaning what he says!

Hang in there. Life is full of possibilities and opportunities that will likely vanish if you take him back! Take time to mourn the loss of your dreams with this man and then start to look after yourself!

Read the stickies and I can recommend 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - its a real eye opener.
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
Why cant we be worth it?
Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone.
You can't be worth it cause an alcoholic protects his drink like a momma bear protecting her cub, and he will do anything to preserve it. Alcohol comes first to an alcoholic, and until he gets help (when HE is ready), you will never come first.
Sorry to be so blunt, but consider that he did you a favor. You deserve so much more. If you keep reading and posting, trust me, you'll realize the strength you have and you won't be scared and alone for long!
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
so, my AH just emailed me a horrible, horrible email, he has never spoken to anyone in his life the way he just did to me.
Delete this email, or move it to a folder labeled TOXIC so you don't have to see it right now. Lean into your nurses training. Recent events have without question affected the synaptic, neural interconnections in your head. You have a brain injury as real as if you had received a concussion. Every time you see this stuff, you re-injure your brain. Our wounds won't heal if we pick at them. There is a rule many of us find helpful: NO CONTACT -- not with AH, not with GF, not with mother.

Basically I am a worthless piece of crap, I've never done anything for our marriage or children, and that he is done wasting the best years of his life on someone who has never given anything back.
One of my counselors taught me to start with one of my mother's letters, take every occurrence of the word "you", replace it with the word "I", and reread the letter. Wow, that was eye-opening. It made the letter sound like a confessional. Which is what it really was all along. Whenever we start sentences with the word "you," we run a big risk of engaging in the psychological process known as projection, where we ascribe to others that which is occurring inside of us. I notice a lot of your sentences start with the word "you" as well... I make a conscious effort to start my sentences with the word I to help me stay out of projection, unless I'm projecting something positive like "You are a beautiful person." I am violating my own rule somewhat in this message in order to interrupt your train of thought.

His email is terrific information about himself. It is not about you. You are a terrific person. Do not accept his projections.

And none of it makes any sense to me, its all a huge slap in the face.
He has a disease, it has affected his mind. The addiction is driving his thoughts in such a way as to protect his continued using. This won't change until he is in recovery. Even then, he may not make sense to you. That's OK. It is a good sign that he doesn't make sense anymore. It takes some of us a while to get to that point.

Last edited by SailorKaren; 05-29-2008 at 07:42 AM. Reason: Hit wrong button!!!
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:31 AM
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(continuing from my previous post after clicking Submit like a newbie...)
Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning.
Excellent. You are very aware of your body's reactions. They are perfectly normal and understandable. I had the very same ones just a few months ago. Don't judge them or repress them. Don't use anger to avoid experiencing them. That is an addictive behavior. Take heart and have the courage to experience them fully to completion. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. It is absolutely necessary to heal your losses and not have them haunt you down the road.

If you look in the animal kingdom and watch the behavior of animals that mate for life, you will see behaviors that look like grieving when one of them dies unexpectedly. Mating changes something in their brains, and links them to the other. When there is loss, I believe the brain in the one that is left becomes injured as the link is severed. Think of your nurses training. You are experiencing the psychological equivalent of the physical phenomenon of shock. Shock is a medical emergency. Your brain needs "intensive care". See yourself as needing triage, and be the loving caregiver that you are, to the one who needs you most in this moment: YOU
And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up.
But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly.
It is OK to feel anger. It is not OK to take actions that do not respect the free will choices of another. Find a private outlet for your anger that does not affect anyone. Slam your bed with your pillow. Pound on the door. Scream bloody murder. But don't do this in front of your children. Their physiology may not be able to take it in, and you risk injuring them. Your anger is a natural reaction to trauma. Don't make demands for explanations from AH and GF as a way to cover up or soothe your anger. That's what an addict does. Release the energy in a safe and healthy way, and let them have their life.
I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now.

I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy.
Patients who have lost a limb often report phantom feelings like the missing limb is still there. It takes our brain time to make new connections that reflect the reality of our new situation. You are not a sick puppy. You are an injured one. Lovingly embrace your old hopes and dreams, and gently guide them into your new reality. You are your most trustworthy and devoted partner. You can always count on you. If you find another who will share a life with you, that will be grand. You will grow connections with him, and it will hurt like crazy if something happens and he is lost. That's just how we are.

Like homeostasis in our physical body, we have natural processes to restore balance in our minds when we are disturbed and hurt. The addict manually overrides this process with drugs or behaviors, and sets up a cycle of dysfunction. Our bodies know how to heal themselves. Medicine facilitates the process. When the hammer hits our thumb, we are better off feeling the pain until it goes away.
How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony.
Anxiety may be your body's attempt to get you to stop re-injuring yourself. Remember the rule: NO CONTACT. Get completely honest with yourself. Are you wanting her to say something to make you feel better? If so, how is that different than AH drinking to feel better? You need to rely on you to feel better. If your child was attacked, wouldn't you take steps to protect her from the attacker? You have been attacked. Your inner child is crying out for you to have her back. Don't let her down.
He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP.

I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen.

I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it.
Of course you want all these things. You're supposed to. That's what mating for life is all about. But he has made a choice to stay addicted, and his beloved is no longer you. His beloved is his addiction. Are there people on this forum who stay with their addict? Yes, with help and support. Are there people who let their partner go, and have a new and fulfilling life? Yes, with help and support. Are you in a healthy and balanced place in your life to make a decision like that? I think you need help and support first. (Yes this applies to me as well - see projection above) We here in the Sober Recovery ER and ICU stand ready to help.
Why cant we be worth it?
Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone.
Your vision for yourself and your family is totally worth it. But he has to share that vision for it to work, and you can't control how he thinks or behaves. And until he is in recovery, his addiction will control his thoughts and behaviors. :codiepolice Reality does not suck. Being traumatized sucks. Feeling pain sucks. The earth is so beautiful, the laws of physics are so dependable, our bodies are so wondrous, your vision is so worthy, and your spirit is so true. Your healing journey is so worth it. Do it for your family. Do it for the goodness of YOU.
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:57 PM
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Wow. I love EVERYTHING you have posted, SailorKaren! Thanks for all of it!


(((Strongerwoman))) -- What a sh*tty thing for this guy to do to you. I know in my worst codie state it would have put me in total shock, as Karen said. I hope you see the truth in her words to start right now taking good care of the hurt little girl inside of you. You deserve to be treated lovingly, not jerked around by some idiot alcoholic. You wouldn't take this from a total stranger, right? You'd remove yourself from a total stranger's presence, at least? People who are worthy of our love don't treat us like this. Sending you hugs and nurturing through the internet, lady. You are a stronger woman just for being here
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:19 PM
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Stronger: I have felt this exact same way ALL day today. I keep thinking maybe if I worked a little harder or accepted my role in all of this (codie - martydom, victimhood, you name it) then STBXAH would want to come back. Then I saw him today when he came to visit the kids, and I remembered WHY we split. He wasn't drunk...he was just being a selfish jerk like always. God reminded me I was on the right path. You have uncovered your own truth right now...that you are willing to take crumbs from this man who is hurting you. Work on fixing that in yourself. You want to be healthy in this relationship or in another or just by yourself for now. Take time to care for you first. There is always time for reconciliation when you are both in recovery, but for now, focus on YOU getting better. (((HUGS))) We are on the same page today.

SailorKaren: You rock! I love the idea of reading the letter and replacing YOU with I. That makes a TON of sense.
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:58 PM
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strongerwoman
Take Sailor Karen's words to heart. Her entire post was so beautifully stated (good job SK!).

Take care of yourself and come here and get it out as often as you need to. You are not alone!

gentle hugs
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Old 05-30-2008, 06:56 AM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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a HUGE thank you again to all of you. I am overwhelmed with the support and compassion here, I'm just a newbie but you've all been so welcoming and already so very helpful and encouraging. I dont know how I would have gotten through this past weeks events without you all. Not having any real support system (working on that....) means I've felt really alone and isolated and out of my mind, everyone here had been a huge blessing.
SailorKaren, I sent you a PM.

Seriously, y'all rock!
I just hope you can continue to put up with me and all of my craziness! Sometimes when I come here to post I feel really pathetic (you know I'm an avid reader and I've read M Beatties books oh TONS -along with tons of other related- of times over the years and I'm STILL where I am), but I guess that's where I'm at right now and have mowhere but up to go.
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Old 05-30-2008, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
...you know I'm an avid reader and I've read M Beatties books oh TONS -along with tons of other related- of times over the years and I'm STILL where I am...
I heard lots of people say that it took a long time for things to sink in. For myself, I have definately been around this roller coaster before, and all my issues with myself that lead me to believe the relationship I was in was loving and healthy when it was anything but! I have been trying to sort it all in my head for YEARS! Its only really been over the last 7/8 months that it finally began to take effect.

I finally moved all that knowledge from my mind, and placed it firmly within my heart and worked it.

I like this analogy...

''... its like going to the doctor because we are ill, taking our medication home and ignoring our doctors advice, and not taking the meds...''

You've begun taking the steps, now you've gotta start applying what you have learnt and see the results for yourself.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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