conflicting emotions are driving me crazy
so, my AH just emailed me a horrible, horrible email, he has never spoken to anyone in his life the way he just did to me.
Basically I am a worthless piece of crap, I've never done anything for our marriage or children, and that he is done wasting the best years of his life on someone who has never given anything back.
And none of it makes any sense to me, its all a huge slap in the face.
If he wanted to totally finish me off and devastate me more than he has with all that has happened in the past few days, he did well.
It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning.
And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up.
But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly.
I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now.
I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy.
How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony.
He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP.
I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen.
I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it.
Why cant we be worth it?
Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone.