what a great thread. It was a particularly rough week around here last week and I think this is a great - take a deep breath thread -. Slowly, like a drip on the faucet, we morph into people that we were not prior to addiction. It is an insidious disease. It's also an amazing opportunity to dig in really deep and find who we are and learn how to take care of ourselves.
I'm one of those that had a particularly bad week. RAH snapped (like the big bad kind of snapped) in front of my kids Wednesday morning. But, HP was ready - my sister was moving out of her 3 bedroom apt the next day and has a lease until the end of June. I have now assumed the lease and am here until at least the end of August. I cleaned all weekend (my sister is apparently an oink oink), moved furniture in and now have my sons coming back home today. We are in good shape. RAH is having a shot of reality now - his kids are seeing him on a limited basis now instead of overnights and I've moved out. (segue way here - I didn't move out of much - my house is completely gutted and now I see that it is uninhabitable). It was ludicrous for us to try and stay in the house during the rennovation and I definitely see my part in teeing up this disaster. Anyway - there is no excuse for the SNAP. Lessons learned about not stopping a mood stabilizer cold turkey. He now has an appt w/a psychiatrist specializing in addicts w/dual diagnosis. It's not until next month though - earliest available. One lesson learned - in complicated situations do not allow a family practice doctor to oversee psych issues. He is also going to the county sponsored anger management program (NOVA) for the next year. At least he sees the unacceptability of his behaviors and actions. I had to get out for any sort of clarity to occur in his brain.
I believe that one of the morals in my story is that if you love an addict - even a recovering one - you must remain resourceful and travel light. It means a lifetime commitment to self care. I am grateful to my connection to recovery and I know that it is HP doing for me what I couldn't have done for myself. I've upped my meetings, met with program friends, and stayed in the steps. Fear has bubbled up at times but I sit down and work a 4th step pronto and that helps.
I don't know what will happen in my situation. RAH is living in the construction zone and finishing the rennovation. For now, he is taking the steps that allow me to participate with him on a limited basis. I feel safe and know that I have the time to see if anything changes. There is no doubt that I will not return to the situation that I left. There is a lot that would have to change but for me, right now....the best thing is to be still and hang out in the "hallway". I'll know what I need to know when I need to know it if I remain calm and listen for God's plan for me. If I am plotting and planning I know that I will be too busy to hear it. I did what I needed to do to get out and feel safe. I didn't have the time to wait in the situation where I was so I left. I was able through God's grace to quickly resource the help that I needed and now I can wait for more to be revealed. Living in the meantime I guess is what it is called.
In a million years this is not how I would have coped or reacted in the past. I am a living testimony to how the steps can work even for the most hopeless of cases (which my anon side has been). Knowing that I have our wonderful SR community is an emotional safety net for me - and for all of us. I've felt all of the prayers and deeply grateful and appreciative.
Hoping that the week ahead will be better for all -