To all of us Spouses and Partners

Old 05-18-2008, 08:09 PM
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To all of us Spouses and Partners

Hey guys.

How was everyone's weekend? I hope there were some bright moments in there for everyone.

Last week was a really hard week, and it continued through the weekend it seems. I'm not talking about me - or just me - but many of us here.

I needed to remind myself today, and I'm not sure how welcome this is going to be to other spouses and partners out there, but this is for me and those of us who are needing this particular bonk upside the head - here it goes ...

THEY ARE NOT OUR CHILDREN!

They are full grown adults. They have managed, and we have let them, to turn us into parental figures or themselves into adolescent roles (whichever way you want to look at it). I read our posts, and we are all so worried about them; where they are going, how are they going to survive, what are they going to eat, where are they going to sleep, etc.?

Hellllloooooo, how are we going to survive, eat and sleep? They are sucking up our money, our emotions, etc. What happens when we don't have enough left to eat a descent meal because we were busy trying to take care of them - and they're still doing what they're doing?

Not trying to offend, and saying this in the kindest and gentlest way to all of us needing this reminder, me too. For me, I have got to step back and let my A be the adult he technically is. I have got to step forward and be the adult I KNOW that I am!

It's funny. I have no need to rescue my AH anymore, but reading these posts over this last week, it has brought up some anxieties about these things that I thought were long since gone. So - again, no offense. Only love and hugs and thought I'd share my self-reminder in case anyone else might need the same.

:ghug
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Old 05-18-2008, 08:20 PM
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I think that was a great reminder and just what I needed this weekend!! Thanks!
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Old 05-18-2008, 09:00 PM
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I love threads like this, where we can all just check in. Great reminder, codeinewife. I couldn't agree more with needing that reminder. I have to sit on my hands sometimes to not do things for my husband that he should do himself.

And to answer your question about our weekend - my weekend was pretty good, but mostly because I made a decision to not rely on AH at all. Yesterday I had an amazing day with my kids. AH told me he needed to go into work (he has a M-F type job) for a "couple of hours" to catch up on stuff, so I made plans with my mom to take my kids to the park. It was an unbelievably beautiful day here on the east coast, and we had a great time. We went to 5 PM mass, picked up dinner, and I got the kids in the bath and to bed before AH got home. He was gone for 10+ hours, but I just didn't have any expectations so I wasn't disappointed. I was annoyed that he told our 5 year old he'd be heading home around 3 PM, because she held onto that and kept saying we had to get home to see him. I told her not to take it personally, that sometimes daddy loses track of time and it has nothing to do with us.

Today he was doing ok - he went to an AA meeting and was really engaging and involved with the kids when he got home, so I took advantage and left him with the kids and got a mani/pedi!! It was great to get some ME time because those moments are really few and far between. I didn't go to my #1 place because they didn't have an opening, but I found a place that could take me at such short notice. Such is my life right now....but I am finding lots of reasons to be grateful every single day.
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Old 05-18-2008, 09:03 PM
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Yay for you MizSerenity! Sounds like a healthy weekend! and when it ends with a mani/pedi! sounds like a good note! I hope those pretty fingers and toes lead to a healthy week too!

PERFECT reminder of taking care of ourselves! Thanks!
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Old 05-18-2008, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by codeinewife View Post
For me, I have got to step back and let my A be the adult he technically is.
TECHNICALLY!

Thanks for this CW. Good for you not feeling the need to rescue your AH anymore. Lately, I've been working on that one....what is it they say...Don't do something for them that they can do for themselves. After the difficulties last week, its been much easier for me to say, "You do it."

I keep reminding myself: baby steps.
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Old 05-19-2008, 05:42 AM
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Amen!!!!!!! You only spoke the truth. I can remember when my MIL told me I was doing a better job of raising her son than she did. Is that sick or what? I quit helping him last year when I found SR. He is in prison until at least next July and still no help from me. He is in a six month intensive rehab and doing well (first time for rehab), makes sense to him. He is doing everything on his own. No advice from me other than he should listen and learn.

Great post......
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Old 05-19-2008, 06:37 AM
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This reminder couldn't have come at a better time. I need to remember that I did not give birth to my AH and it's time to let him stand on his own to ADULT feet.

Thanks you for this much needed eye opener.
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Old 05-19-2008, 06:46 AM
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what a great thread. It was a particularly rough week around here last week and I think this is a great - take a deep breath thread -. Slowly, like a drip on the faucet, we morph into people that we were not prior to addiction. It is an insidious disease. It's also an amazing opportunity to dig in really deep and find who we are and learn how to take care of ourselves.

I'm one of those that had a particularly bad week. RAH snapped (like the big bad kind of snapped) in front of my kids Wednesday morning. But, HP was ready - my sister was moving out of her 3 bedroom apt the next day and has a lease until the end of June. I have now assumed the lease and am here until at least the end of August. I cleaned all weekend (my sister is apparently an oink oink), moved furniture in and now have my sons coming back home today. We are in good shape. RAH is having a shot of reality now - his kids are seeing him on a limited basis now instead of overnights and I've moved out. (segue way here - I didn't move out of much - my house is completely gutted and now I see that it is uninhabitable). It was ludicrous for us to try and stay in the house during the rennovation and I definitely see my part in teeing up this disaster. Anyway - there is no excuse for the SNAP. Lessons learned about not stopping a mood stabilizer cold turkey. He now has an appt w/a psychiatrist specializing in addicts w/dual diagnosis. It's not until next month though - earliest available. One lesson learned - in complicated situations do not allow a family practice doctor to oversee psych issues. He is also going to the county sponsored anger management program (NOVA) for the next year. At least he sees the unacceptability of his behaviors and actions. I had to get out for any sort of clarity to occur in his brain.

I believe that one of the morals in my story is that if you love an addict - even a recovering one - you must remain resourceful and travel light. It means a lifetime commitment to self care. I am grateful to my connection to recovery and I know that it is HP doing for me what I couldn't have done for myself. I've upped my meetings, met with program friends, and stayed in the steps. Fear has bubbled up at times but I sit down and work a 4th step pronto and that helps.

I don't know what will happen in my situation. RAH is living in the construction zone and finishing the rennovation. For now, he is taking the steps that allow me to participate with him on a limited basis. I feel safe and know that I have the time to see if anything changes. There is no doubt that I will not return to the situation that I left. There is a lot that would have to change but for me, right now....the best thing is to be still and hang out in the "hallway". I'll know what I need to know when I need to know it if I remain calm and listen for God's plan for me. If I am plotting and planning I know that I will be too busy to hear it. I did what I needed to do to get out and feel safe. I didn't have the time to wait in the situation where I was so I left. I was able through God's grace to quickly resource the help that I needed and now I can wait for more to be revealed. Living in the meantime I guess is what it is called.

In a million years this is not how I would have coped or reacted in the past. I am a living testimony to how the steps can work even for the most hopeless of cases (which my anon side has been). Knowing that I have our wonderful SR community is an emotional safety net for me - and for all of us. I've felt all of the prayers and deeply grateful and appreciative.

Hoping that the week ahead will be better for all -
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Old 05-19-2008, 07:31 AM
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I had a pretty good weekend despite watching AH sleep through most of it. Yesterday at church, he asked me to go the alter and pray with him. Although he prayed out loud and I heard my name or the word "wife" here and there, I could not hear his prayer.

Last night he got angry with me because I mentioned all the projects he should have been able to do while he was unemployed...This morning, I get an e-card saying how much he loves me, wants this work and that the first step was admitting he was powereless....and he is admitting and taking responsibility for where his (our) life is today compared to this time last year. I want to be hopeful but we all know that hope is a scary thing when we are investing our dreams in an addict.

I too, am tired of parenting. I have three other kids to raise and they, at times are more self-sufficient and responsible than he is on most days and they don't talk back!

Love the thread. I hope to see more posts!
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Old 05-20-2008, 09:34 AM
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I am with you all so much on this...

I played the role of Wendy and my pot-smoking husband was the eternal child, Peter Pan.

My world is way to real to have to deal with raising someone else's son.
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