Thank you..everyone. I know that this is a process, but I can' help but feel guilty. It is hard for me to post my problems. To air them to the public. I hate this. I knew early on that this was the hand that was dealt to me. Stupidly, I thought that I was bigger than this. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I know. I know I'm not. I always knew that. We always have those "ah, hah" moments and tonight as I drove home, I thought I should pick up beer because I didn't know if I "had enough" at home. Well as I put the 12 pack in the fridge, I found half a case in the veggie drawer (don't remember that one), a couple of beers in the butter keeper (don't know how they got there) and three 24ounce bullets in the butter keeper???? Sure as hell don't remember them. 408oz of beer and I wasn't sure if I needed reserves? God help me. Yes, I put them all on the counter and counted. This is the first step for me. I do apologize if these first posts are just stream of consciousness; trying to figure everything out. I feel like a rotten onion right now. Trying to peel away all of those withered layers trying to find something useful in the center. Maybe another "pots and pans" junkie can relate to coming home from a tough day, thinking they'll rekindle their love for their craft and cook up something tasty, only to find that the only thing they have in their root drawer is a single white onion, they can't remember buying. Desperately trying to make it work, peeling away the slightly moldy layers to find something useful, they end up with nothing left and a dish that's nothing like what it could be. If anybody reads this...I don't know...I'm sorry, thank you, I'm embarrassed, I...want to try to change. I know its not easy. I've tried before and always fell victim to "Oh, I have 90 days, ok, cool I can have a drink." No!... I didn't drink yesterday, I haven't drank today, and god-willing, we'll see what tomorrow brings but I'll focus on today. I'm sorry...tomorrow's a new day.