ImmerAllein

So, I've been reading this forum for some time. Why? Because I'm a drunk. I've just never had the courage to post. Well, forget it...its not about having the courage anymore. Courage is out the window. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I started drinking because I was lonely and drinking brought me "friends." Now, drinking has only served to isolate me even more and I am on the verge of not only screwing up my life, but also the lives of those that put their confidence in me. I just can't do this alone. I admit it...I thought that I could, but I can't. I mean, I've read that same sentiment time-and-again here in numerous people's stories, but I guess you just don't get it until you come to the truth by yourself and I have. I know that there is no future for me in my current state...and I can only hope that I have the strength to create one sober.
@Nogard, I've been reading your posts for some time and I think this one really hit home:
"/forums/newcomers-recovery/150076-looking-back.html" (sorry it won't let me post a link).
I dream of the day when I can look back, too. Right now, it seems like lifetimes away.

Also, I don't remember where I read it here, but somebody once said, "we're only as sick as our secrets." I'm sorry, I don't remember your name, but thank you. Most days I repeat that in my head, just dying to scream to the world I...AM...AN...ALCOHOLIC!

@ Chiynita, "True Failure...Is When We Stop Trying." Everytime I see that after one of your posts, I just want to say thank you...most days that helps keep me going.

The fact is, we all have different stories; have different pasts, but are here because we're the same...I just don't want to be alone anymore

ANGELINA243

You don't ever have to be alone again--if you don't want to be. Welcome! Glad you are here! :ghug

nogard

Hi ImmerAllein,

Yes thats right we are different but we have a common bond of addiction and many of our stories are similiar too.

When I came here I as desparate and it was here that I asked for help was offered help and for the first time in my life I took that help and today I still do.

I have not felt alone since then and I know that if I stay close and don't pick up I won't. Sure I feel lonley at times but never alone.

Its all here for us freedom, real freedom. I hope you stick around to experience this to.

I offer you the hand as it was offered to me and as its was offered to the people who reached out to me and so it goes back, we bleong to a huge family counted in millions. For me it felt like coming home. welcome to SR

Kevin

Hevyn

So glad you finally posted. I came here 9 mos. ago & for 5 of them just read, sometimes posted, laughed & cried, all with a drink by my side. I absorbed everything told to me, suggestions and encouragement - it all stuck. Still, something kept me from laying it down. I made myself really sick after a binge around the holidays - 24/7 drinking, literally, glass by the bed - every time I woke up with the shakes I'd take another swig. I honestly feared going to sleep & not waking up at that point. My body has had enough. I can't say exactly what made me see the light, but the help I found within this community was just what I needed. I don't have anyone in my life who understands about addiction, so I felt alone and isolated with my problem, just like you do. Welcome to SR - you will find every type of personality imaginable here. I couldn't have made it without these fine people. Hoping to hear more about you, ImmerAllein, and to help you on your journey to a new life.

BUTTERFLY-7

I know what you mean about living a double
Life and yes: we are sick, as are secrets are,it's
Good that you posted Wise Choice,and about having
courage you just did you are admitting
that you can't do this I think thats enough courage
to admit doesn't mean we are week,or failures Hell no
that took allot of Guts to do but you did it

Now you don't have to be alone we are here
and when ever you are ready there is a chair reserve
for you at A/A, God bless and keep posting
and this one is for you
and

Aysha

I was like that for so long. I can do it myself.
How wrong I was. And it took alot of convincing for me.
You dont know how much I appreciate you telling me that my sig helped you some days.
Theres nothing like knowing you helped someone without even knowing it.
It just proves what alot say about someone benefiting from anything you share.
I never really thought anyone payed too much attention to sigs.
I am so glad you are here and you dont have to be alone.
There are plenty people willing to share their experience and lend a helping hand that really do care.
There is alot of wisdom here.
Hope you stick around.

scaredykat

Hi ImmerAllein and welcome to SR. We're glad your here.

I also can relate to being alone. That's all i did was drink alone 7 days a week. I have my life back with the help of SR. And you can too.

Keep reading and hope to see more of your posts.

Barb

serenityqueen

ImmerAllein

Thank you..everyone. I know that this is a process, but I can' help but feel guilty. It is hard for me to post my problems. To air them to the public. I hate this. I knew early on that this was the hand that was dealt to me. Stupidly, I thought that I was bigger than this. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I know. I know I'm not. I always knew that. We always have those "ah, hah" moments and tonight as I drove home, I thought I should pick up beer because I didn't know if I "had enough" at home. Well as I put the 12 pack in the fridge, I found half a case in the veggie drawer (don't remember that one), a couple of beers in the butter keeper (don't know how they got there) and three 24ounce bullets in the butter keeper???? Sure as hell don't remember them. 408oz of beer and I wasn't sure if I needed reserves? God help me. Yes, I put them all on the counter and counted. This is the first step for me. I do apologize if these first posts are just stream of consciousness; trying to figure everything out. I feel like a rotten onion right now. Trying to peel away all of those withered layers trying to find something useful in the center. Maybe another "pots and pans" junkie can relate to coming home from a tough day, thinking they'll rekindle their love for their craft and cook up something tasty, only to find that the only thing they have in their root drawer is a single white onion, they can't remember buying. Desperately trying to make it work, peeling away the slightly moldy layers to find something useful, they end up with nothing left and a dish that's nothing like what it could be. If anybody reads this...I don't know...I'm sorry, thank you, I'm embarrassed, I...want to try to change. I know its not easy. I've tried before and always fell victim to "Oh, I have 90 days, ok, cool I can have a drink." No!... I didn't drink yesterday, I haven't drank today, and god-willing, we'll see what tomorrow brings but I'll focus on today. I'm sorry...tomorrow's a new day.

Daddio

The old beers in the butter keeper trick eh ImmerAlien! Yeah buddy, you will fit right in with this gang. It's the dirty dozen times 25 large!!!

572 days ago I was sitting on my sofa in Dallas, Texas wondering what in the heck has happened! I had just polished off yet another 60 ounces of vodka. Just as I had the day before and the day before and the..... and I just couldn't do it anymore. And I haven't. 572 days.

I've done it and 1,000s more on this site have as well. The stories will be as varied as the sermons this Sunday. But we have at least two common traits. We are drunks and we wanted the madness to stop. You are ready and you have a whole lotta folks here that are so willing to share. You have made the first big step. Welcome aboard.

Daddio

ANGELINA243

Thank you for helping me stay sober one more day. Please, don't be embarrassed about sharing anything here. The onion has already started to peel--in case you haven't noticed. Hang on! Remember--you are not alone!

CarolD

Glad you decided to share with us....

Yes! you too can recover and have a future
filled with health and joy.
Millionsd of us just that every day.

Welcome!

Hevyn

My butter keeper is see-through, so I couldn't hide 'em in there, Daddio. However, the veggie bins worked well for awhile, beer wrapped in brown bags, until someone investigated. In the end I graduated to just keeping them in a back closet, since all my hiding places in the fridge were discovered...didn't even care that they were warm at that point. 408 Oz of beer is certainly not enough - it's never enough. In the end I easily went through a 30-pack a day all by myself, & I'm only a 5'2" woman. I only felt slightly numb, never happy or high. Still kept going at that level for years, though.

You may think you're rambling, Immer, but to us it all makes perfect sense. You're among friends who truly understand.

best

Well I have a bit of farmer in me as well as being able to make a nice onion soup.
The onion gets peeled and when done, we could end up with nothing.

When us alcoholics get peeled, we can get placed back in the garden and ...

you won't believe this untill you see it for yourself but here goes...
We peel away the bad and plant our feet in good soil, then find we grow beyond our wildest dreams of what we thought we could be.
Sober and free the sky is the limit.
AA has 12 steps that are used to guide us in finding where to plant our feet and how to grow beyond our dreams.
Your not alone. There are answers and AA meetings can help us find the answers faster

mle-sober

ImmerAllein,

I don't know if you're an AA person (or are open to it) but, for the record, I think you just did the First Step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

You wrote: "I just can't do this alone. I admit it...I thought that I could, but I can't. I mean, I've read that same sentiment time-and-again here in numerous people's stories, but I guess you just don't get it until you come to the truth by yourself and I have. I know that there is no future for me in my current state...and I can only hope that I have the strength to create one sober."

That's step one. You are on your road to recovery! It's a very scary step to take, I think. For me, I cried for about 3 days. I felt completely defeated and powerless. I felt like a dirty old wrung out rag that smelled bad and deserved to be thrown away.

But you are right about the onion. There is something still good in there. And I really like Best's continuation of your thought. If you plant the good part, it will grow. Best is right.

I'm really glad you posted. And I'm really glad that you are working on 3 days sober. Courage. Keep going. Keep posting and keep reading.

- MLE