Bottleblonde, I feel where you are. There is a lot of great wisdom and experience posted above. I'm not at that point yet. My wife wife's main addiction is pills. It got worse and worse and finally when those weren't around, there was meth. Life was hell. My sons were getting a very warped sence of was was normal, and it was really affecting them. She was a great mom in between using, but eventually those time got shorter and shorter. I was turning into a person i didn't like.
When she rolled the car with the kids in it, something clicked. I'd been staying away as much as I could to avoid confrontation and..well, everything. my eyes opened then to not only the immediate danger the kids where in, but the long term harm being done, to them and me. The kids were never alone with her from that moment on.
With some counceling I realized a little of what was said above, I'm the one who can fix my life (and my kids'). That is so freeing. he chains come of and you have your life's steering wheel in your hands.
I feel fortunate in my case, because when I made it clear that we weren't going to live like this anymore and the kids were going to be protected from her bad decisions and behavior, she chose rehab over loosing everything. Things seem to be going well for her there (almost 6 months)
But whether or not that works for her (and I pray daily that it does) I know that we aren't going back where we were. It was killing me, and the kids were going a bad direction. And they are only 3 and 5. I can only imagine how it affects a 12 yr old that can actually process and grasp some of it. I couldn't agree more with what Bernadette said about what kids are really learning.
My experience was that once I stopped letting my AWs behavior contol me, and took responsibity and control of my life, it was so incredibly freeing. I cant say I've found serenity yet, but I have a little taste, and I like it. I'll be working towards more. And my kids are blossoming with some sanity and stabilty in thier life.
If you haven't read "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie, it was very good for me, and I've seen it recommeded here a lot.
And I have regained joy in my life. Still lots of stressors about everything, but I am able to enjoy the good things. Good luck