Nothing brings me joy anymore

Old 05-10-2008, 09:57 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 24
Nothing brings me joy anymore

Just when I thought life was getting better....

I am sitting here struggling with what to do with my marriage. I have gotten to the point that nothing at all in life brings me joy. I'm pessimistic, have little patience, don't want to clean house or do anything. I long for the days that I used to seek out ways to have fun with the kids. In the little free time I have I sit and think...think about my AH pill habit and all the problems it's caused. But I have to put on my fake happy face every single day for my kids, my family, my friends, and the rest of the outside world when all I want is to scream and cry and let it all out, that somehow it would magically be fixed, and O V E R.

My AH problem began 7 yrs ago when he became addicted to hydrocodone after back surgery. It was 2-3 yrs later when he lost his great job and was arrested for embezzlement that he told me it all happened to pay for the pills he had been hooked on all that time and I NEVER knew it. He was convicted, no jail time, he went through outpatient counseling for about 2 months (a joke of a place) then went on suboxone after relasping. He's greatly reduced his dosage, almost being off it by now, but the problem now is muscle relaxers, Soma.

I always know when he's taken them b/c of his demeanor...he acts drunk, slurrs words, can't get the right words to come out, droopy eyes, and the face sliding off the skull thing someone else here mentioned. We've had SO may talks about this, about how I feel cheated on, how he could lose his job or worse, kill himself. It's pointless to talk about it when he's used b/c he still denies it! Two months ago I told him, on a sober day, how I feel (YET AGAIN) and he says to me that I've never said it like that before and he will work on it. But then, this week, our 12yo son calls me at work to say that daddy isn't feeling weel, that he's come home for lunch, is sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream on his chest, head back, eyes half open, and he's shaking all over like he's really really cold. The last time he was like that I took him to the ER fearing he had OD'd!!! I rush home and, yes, of course, he's in that awful stupor, denying it all.

I AM SO PISSED!!!!! I want to beat the hell out of him so bad! In his drunken state he says he'll just get his stuff and leave, and everything in me said "GOOD! GO THEN!" BUT........

These times happen about once-twice a month, and during his sober times, things are really really good. He's a terrific father, husband, lover, an incredible a guy everybody loves. When I think about his problem and whether our marriage can continue, I think about all of this, how hurt and just destroyed the kids would be. I wonder if I am truly still in love with him, or with the memory of what he used to be?

I recently discovered that he'd been buying pills online for several months using this prepaid visa he has, and he said yes he used to do that because he was in pain with his back, and I said I didn't want him taking them so that's the only way to get them. That same week, I had a problem at the pharmacy and they gave me a prinout of purchases which included a script from his SUBOXONE dr he had just filled. I threatened to call the dr and I still don't know if I should.

When I think of all the problems in our lives over the past few years, they are 99% created by him. Most of my energy has been spent either making excuses, covering up, fixing problems, putting up fronts, forcing the happy face, and just being SICK in the pit of my stomach every time I find a pill stuffed somewhere. He actually has kept them in his sock he's wearing! One night he came home, and as we talked while he was changing clothes he took off his sock and out the pills flew! He had the nerve to say he had put them there a long time ago and didn't know they were there! He'd worn them ALL DAY!!!

I used to cry my eyes out each time he used, but now that feeling's numb. I once told him that if I didn't care I wouldn't even talk to him about it, that I worried so much that the day would come that I wouldn't cry anymore or care. Now I actually find myself wondering if it would be better if he really did OD. Sad, huh?

I know that is waaaaay long, but I am at the end of my rope here. Do I just keep looking the other way and keep this family together for the kids' sake, do I divorce him, do I stay for better or worse and keep trying to get him to rehab or something? I just want someone to tell me what to do and that when I do it things will be back to normal. I want to stay married to my husband, deep down I really do love and care for him immensely, but what is the right thing to do? I know he has legitimate back pain, but what is the answer? And what about his opiate addition/suboxone dr actually *prescribing* him another addictive substance?!

ANy comments/help is appreciated!
bottleblonde is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 10:07 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 24
I just found that I can look back at my previous posting history and realized that I've been coming here saying the same stuff since 2004 I'm a sad case...
bottleblonde is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 10:52 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((bottleblonde))))))

I just typed a really long reply and I LOST it ! I hate when that happens !

Anyway..

No dear, you are not a sad case.

Listen to me dear...
You hold the future in your hand.
You are not trapped.
You have all kinds of choices and options.
You can make your life into anything you want it to be and you do not need your AH's cooperation to do it. The power lies within you. Know this...believe it.

I can relate to your position more than you know.
I was married to an addict who also happens to be a very loving, funny man. I divored him three years ago but I still love him.

My exah was a horrible heroin addict. He managed to hide his addiction from me for about a year. When I figured out what the problem was I was so shocked...and so angry...and so freaking scared.

My exah and I have a little boy together. Our son was about 3 when my exah decided it might be cool to give heroin a try.
I stayed with my exah for more than 3 years after learning about his addiction. My exah went into two rehabs at my insistence...and he relapsed almost immediately each time...only I didn't know it right away...because he was a very accomplished liar. Very accomplished.

I felt alot like you did for a long time...finding no joy in anyting...actually thinking the people listed in the obituaries each day were lucky because at least their stuggle with life was over. I never seriously considered suicide only because someone had to take care of our son but I felt absolutely trapped in a situation not of my making.

But...and here is the kicker...the situation was of my making.
I had to stop looking at myself as a victim and start taking my life back piece by piece.

One day, when I felt like I just couldn't sink any lower or take one more minute of the life I was living, I left.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and yet it was also the easiest because it was a matter of survival at this point. I knew without a doubt that if I stayed I would be giving up my future and any hope I might have had that our son would live a 'normal' childhood.

My exah and I have been divorced for about 3 years now.
He's clean (I think).
He's trying very hard to get his life back in order.
He says he WILL remarry me some day.
Me...I'm not so sure.
But he's clean...and he's a presence in our son's life...and my life is mine again. I'm no longer trapped. I'm actually very happy. My life is peaceful and stable.

Things were really bad for me and now they are alot better but the first step (and the most painful one by far) was taking responsiblity for my life and my future.
One day at a time...one decision at a time...I took away the power my exah had over my well being and put it back in my own hands.

Being a single mom is tough some days but its a piece of cake compared to what I went thru before. And the best thing is...is that my son who was 4 when I left my exah and is 9 years old today...is thriving.

I thank God everyday for helping me find the strength to do what I had to do. You can do this...you can...you absolutely positively can. Don't believe anything else. Your future is in YOUR hands...not the hands of your using husband. You've got to take the power back and do whats best for you...everything else will fall into place. I know this is true...it happened for me.

Big hugs from someone who really understands. I'm cheering you on girl !!
outonalimb is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 11:17 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,926
Hiya Bottleblonde--
These times happen about once-twice a month, and during his sober times, things are really really good. He's a terrific father, husband, lover, an incredible a guy everybody loves.

This falls under the "nothing gets in the way of their using" behavior.

He will keep enough decent people under his charm/spell so that you'll all just keep floating in the lazy river of inaction and enabling and he gets to keep using. He does this to fool himself and his loved ones. But pay attention to the long term behavior: he's still using.

Your kids are learning this DYNAMIC. I don't care how loving or charming or what kind of "good father" he is when he is sober - the back and forth, the unpredictable nature of "Am I gonna find my fun available sober dad today when I get home or my whacked-out, eerie, unavailable medicated dad when I get home? - that emotional dynamic is deeply affecting your children. Have you talked to them about "addiction?" Don't make the mistake of talking about dad's pain or his dr. prescribed pain "medecine" tell them the truth and call it what it is. You'll save them a lifetime of heartache and struggle to recover when they get older if you make sure they are living in REALITY today.

When you've had enough of this dynamic yourself you'll know what to do. But kids have no choice and they need a responsible adult to show them what's acceptable and what's not in an adult loving relationship. If you're staying married for your kids sake then you're in denial about what it is your kids are ACTUALLY learning.

My father did eventually get sober after a 25 year drinking career - but wow the damage was done to us 5 kids. And to my mom who "stuck it out" like a good catholic wife and who is warped to the core to this day.

You are not a "sad case" this sh*t is HARD HARD HARD to deal with. But each day if you make a little plan and stick to it you can move YOUR life in a positive way.

What are the magic words we all wish the addict would respond to? "I want you to get help - and change this self-destructive behavior!" Well I put the same challenge to you! Now, are you gonna respond like an addict and say, "well I'm scared...no, not right now... eeew I don't like meetings... no I can do it myself... that way doesn't work for me, etc??? Or the worst: "I don't have a problem, it's HIS fault!"

i beg you- get to a meeting - get some books, get to a couselor. Seek help. Find help. And then follow directions and spare yourself and your kids even another year of unhappiness!!

I hope I'm not being too harsh-- just your line about not finding any JOY in life anymore pierced my heart! And the image of dad with the ice cream and the phone call. Too painful. It reminded me of many ugly ways I saw my father drunk. I've been in that dark pain of depression, pity, hopelessness and I want to extend a sunny hand and say "There is hope, there is JOY waiting for YOU, yes YOU!" Fight the good fight for you baby! You are worth it and LIFE is worth it!!
Peace,
B

Last edited by Bernadette; 05-10-2008 at 11:35 AM.
Bernadette is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 11:31 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
BJW
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Three and a half years is a long time to suffer. My heart goes out to you. One thing I've learned through my own personal experience with this disease is it doesn't get any better. At least it didn’t in this family. For a long time I didn't believe that. I believed with all my heart that if only I could find the right formula, the magic bullet I could love and help my son into and through recovery. Or even more unrealistic was if he would simply stop all would be well. I know now that was only me dreaming. Some call it denial. Some call it delusional. It probably was and is. My son used for 20 years. I’ve only known about the last two and that’s because his disease had progressed to a point of insanity. His and mine both.

I wish I could come to Memphis, wrap my arms around you, and take you away to a better life, but I can’t. I can feel your love for your husband. I love my son also. I think we all love our ALO’s or we wouldn’t be here seeking comfort, support, and guidance.

The answer for me was to find outside help. I did through counseling, 12-step programs and meetings, mentoring, and forums like this one. I plowed into my recovery as if my life depended on it. I know now that it did and it does. I was on-line or in a meeting room almost every day of the week. I still am. Interesting enough when I began my own recovery journey, so too did my son. His recovery didn’t last long and today he is in deeper trouble than I could ever have imagined, but neither is he dead and he is not using. He landed in jail. Probably for a long time. They say, and I believe this to be true, the only options for a practicing addict (in time) are jail, institutions, or death. In the meanwhile, I’m working on getting my life back. Trying to resurrect me and find out who I am, why I didn’t see, and later why I put up with so much for so long. I heard it said in an NA meeting once when we know better, we do better. I think that goes for the families and loved ones of addicts also.

My advice, and I offer it humbly, is to get yourself some help. Counseling, 12-step programs, church, anything where the disease of addiction and the impact on the family is understood. With help comes clarity and with clarity comes the ability to make whatever decisions you need to make for you and your child.

You also sound as if you are suffering from depression. Depression alone is debilitating and can be a killer. I found temporary help with my medical doctor. I do not apologize for needing anti-depressants to get me through the worst of it. I was alright with it. I am not an addict. Not a drug addict anyways. I have other addictions for sure, but substances are not one of them. Maybe a visit and talk with your doctor would help.

Putting ourselves firsts, doing what is best for our families and for ourselves, and focusing on what we can do is no easy task, but it is possible. That’s why these forums were born in the first place. To help one and other meet these challenges.

Like the previous responders shared, yes – you can do this. Getting better, finding the joy, reclaiming who you are, and experiencing peace are possible. However, none of it happens by itself. It will take a real willingness and action on your part. Your husband is going to do what your husband is going to do. So – what about you?

Cyber (((((Hugs)))) and many prayers are coming your way.

p.s. And as empty as it may sound just now, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. You deserve it.
BJW is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 03:56 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 24
(((((((((OMG)))))))))))) You are ALL SO RIGHT!!!! Everything you have just said to me is exactly the kind of thoughts that have been racing through my mind. I just can't seem to get past the HURTING I feel so badly so far down deep inside me. I was always the successful daughter, the one with everything together, who always did everything right, who has the perfect little family, the very picture of a perfect, successful suburban middle-class family. We are established in this community as a COUPLE, as a FAMILY, and I don't want it to go away. The very thought of him ever being with another person just makes me want to puke

Just after I posted my original message, he came home to get something for work. He hadn't taken anything as far as I could tell, but somehow the subject of his dr appointment came up. I said I wanted to go, he said not if I was going to bring up the soma. After all, if his addiction dr. prescribed them then they are OK. He admitted he took one too many, so his solution is either: I keep the script and dispense to him, or find another solution other than nerve blocks because he isn't taking a needle in the spine. (((SIGH)))

I will finish this reply a bit later but I have to finish cooking dinner. Just wanted to pop in and say a quick but very sincere THANK YOU so very very very much for letting me lean on you today It feel so good being surrounded by others who understand.
bottleblonde is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 04:32 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
hopefull husband
 
bsfish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
Bottleblonde, I feel where you are. There is a lot of great wisdom and experience posted above. I'm not at that point yet. My wife wife's main addiction is pills. It got worse and worse and finally when those weren't around, there was meth. Life was hell. My sons were getting a very warped sence of was was normal, and it was really affecting them. She was a great mom in between using, but eventually those time got shorter and shorter. I was turning into a person i didn't like.

When she rolled the car with the kids in it, something clicked. I'd been staying away as much as I could to avoid confrontation and..well, everything. my eyes opened then to not only the immediate danger the kids where in, but the long term harm being done, to them and me. The kids were never alone with her from that moment on.

With some counceling I realized a little of what was said above, I'm the one who can fix my life (and my kids'). That is so freeing. he chains come of and you have your life's steering wheel in your hands.

I feel fortunate in my case, because when I made it clear that we weren't going to live like this anymore and the kids were going to be protected from her bad decisions and behavior, she chose rehab over loosing everything. Things seem to be going well for her there (almost 6 months)

But whether or not that works for her (and I pray daily that it does) I know that we aren't going back where we were. It was killing me, and the kids were going a bad direction. And they are only 3 and 5. I can only imagine how it affects a 12 yr old that can actually process and grasp some of it. I couldn't agree more with what Bernadette said about what kids are really learning.

My experience was that once I stopped letting my AWs behavior contol me, and took responsibity and control of my life, it was so incredibly freeing. I cant say I've found serenity yet, but I have a little taste, and I like it. I'll be working towards more. And my kids are blossoming with some sanity and stabilty in thier life.

If you haven't read "Co-dependant no more" by Melody Beattie, it was very good for me, and I've seen it recommeded here a lot.

And I have regained joy in my life. Still lots of stressors about everything, but I am able to enjoy the good things. Good luck
bsfish is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 05:51 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
ZombieWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I don't have much to add right now (kind of mulling it over,) but I just wanted to give you a big old hug.

:ghug3
ZombieWife is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 05:59 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Senior Member
 
devastated's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Bottleblonde

I totally believe that "Outonalimb" said it the best! She has given you words of wisdom here.

You are not alone believe me. Incidentally, I've been trying to get it right for a lot more years than you've been alive! Some days are better than others, but got to keep on trying!

Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
devastated is offline  
Old 05-10-2008, 11:59 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Serenity8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
You've gotten so much great advice. I wanted to say I can relate to so much of your post. I too am a mom who deals with an addicted man. Here it is at almost 3 AM on a Saturday night, and he is supposedly on his way home from "work" (a M-F 8AM-whenever the heck he feels like it office job, BTW). I just called his cell (because he is supposed to bring me cough medicine - I'm sick) and he claimed he is in his car but I know he isn't; I don't know where he is but the acoustics were.not.in.his.car. {sigh} I have been posting on a moms website for many years, and in some private forums where I've gotten comfortable I have been complaining about him for about 5 years, so I completely understand about reading old posts and feeling like you are saying the same things over and over again.

Have you gone to a local Nar-anon or al-anon meeting? That was such a great start for me. I started going in October '06 and it literally changed my life. I am learning how to truly be happy regardless of his behavior/actions. I still have good days and bad days, but at least I have my own program to work when it gets really tough.

And I love this site, I love posting here and reading a post like yours and completely understanding every single word you say because that is the life I live. It is really helping me to sort out what I need to do for my future and the future of my kids when I read these posts. Going to al-anon helps me stay focused, too. I hope it can do the same for you.

Hang in there. And Happy Mothers Day to you. :ghug3
Serenity8 is offline  
Old 05-11-2008, 12:35 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
turning red!
 
funkzter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Ouah, you got some great responses and not much to add.
No one is ever trapped in one place though, even if it might feel this way more times than not. We always got choices and it's up to us which choices we want to make.
I don't think we can tell you do this or that as it needs to come from you (same as the addict: it needs to come from them to want it out) but maybe it'll be good if you take some few steps back to try to see the big picture from outside the box. Maybe it'll help you see what is best for you.
My best advise, as i have experienced it myself before, is to temporarily separate (ie go live at a friend or family or just take a long holidays or if you cannot just take a weekend away from him -sometimes that's just what it takes to get things straighter in ones mind). Doesn't 100% mean you will come back with an answer, sometimes it takes years of that, but you might, and that's worth the shot (and even if you don't have the answer at the end of your "get away" you still have the chance to take a break which can be good?)

Take care
Carine
funkzter is offline  
Old 05-12-2008, 08:39 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Wanting a new life
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 27
I can completely relate to you on this. I also have been feeling like nothing makes me happy anymore. It seems like my life is consumed by my ABF's drug use, lies, problems, and troubles. I have no desire to do anything at all, but sit at home. My friends call me to go out, but I'd rather rather stay at home because I just don't feel like going out and pretending everything is ok. I feel so drained and depressed all the time, which is so unlike me because I'm usually so happy and carefree. Everyone has seemed to notice this change in me, but very few people really know what is going on. It sucks to feel this way because I want to be happy...I don't want to keep living with this anxiety!!!
Nikki221 is offline  
Old 05-12-2008, 10:46 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bernadette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,926
((((Nikki221))))
Bernadette is offline  
Old 05-13-2008, 02:11 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Oh wow....I am joining the bandwagon! I see many kindred souls here. Maybye we can all learn from each other.

I too am fighting major depression and conflicts with finally facing up to this.

Hang in there & I'll try too.

Hugs,
Teggie
Teggie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:24 AM.