Bernadette

Hiya Bottleblonde--
These times happen about once-twice a month, and during his sober times, things are really really good. He's a terrific father, husband, lover, an incredible a guy everybody loves.

This falls under the "nothing gets in the way of their using" behavior.

He will keep enough decent people under his charm/spell so that you'll all just keep floating in the lazy river of inaction and enabling and he gets to keep using. He does this to fool himself and his loved ones. But pay attention to the long term behavior: he's still using.

Your kids are learning this DYNAMIC. I don't care how loving or charming or what kind of "good father" he is when he is sober - the back and forth, the unpredictable nature of "Am I gonna find my fun available sober dad today when I get home or my whacked-out, eerie, unavailable medicated dad when I get home? - that emotional dynamic is deeply affecting your children. Have you talked to them about "addiction?" Don't make the mistake of talking about dad's pain or his dr. prescribed pain "medecine" tell them the truth and call it what it is. You'll save them a lifetime of heartache and struggle to recover when they get older if you make sure they are living in REALITY today.

When you've had enough of this dynamic yourself you'll know what to do. But kids have no choice and they need a responsible adult to show them what's acceptable and what's not in an adult loving relationship. If you're staying married for your kids sake then you're in denial about what it is your kids are ACTUALLY learning.

My father did eventually get sober after a 25 year drinking career - but wow the damage was done to us 5 kids. And to my mom who "stuck it out" like a good catholic wife and who is warped to the core to this day.

You are not a "sad case" this sh*t is HARD HARD HARD to deal with. But each day if you make a little plan and stick to it you can move YOUR life in a positive way.

What are the magic words we all wish the addict would respond to? "I want you to get help - and change this self-destructive behavior!" Well I put the same challenge to you! Now, are you gonna respond like an addict and say, "well I'm scared...no, not right now... eeew I don't like meetings... no I can do it myself... that way doesn't work for me, etc??? Or the worst: "I don't have a problem, it's HIS fault!"

i beg you- get to a meeting - get some books, get to a couselor. Seek help. Find help. And then follow directions and spare yourself and your kids even another year of unhappiness!!

I hope I'm not being too harsh-- just your line about not finding any JOY in life anymore pierced my heart! And the image of dad with the ice cream and the phone call. Too painful. It reminded me of many ugly ways I saw my father drunk. I've been in that dark pain of depression, pity, hopelessness and I want to extend a sunny hand and say "There is hope, there is JOY waiting for YOU, yes YOU!" Fight the good fight for you baby! You are worth it and LIFE is worth it!!
Peace,
B