(((((((bottleblonde))))))
I just typed a really long reply and I LOST it ! I hate when that happens !
Anyway..
No dear, you are not a sad case.
Listen to me dear...
You hold the future in your hand.
You are not trapped.
You have all kinds of choices and options.
You can make your life into anything you want it to be and you do not need your AH's cooperation to do it. The power lies within you. Know this...believe it.
I can relate to your position more than you know.
I was married to an addict who also happens to be a very loving, funny man. I divored him three years ago but I still love him.
My exah was a horrible heroin addict. He managed to hide his addiction from me for about a year. When I figured out what the problem was I was so shocked...and so angry...and so freaking scared.
My exah and I have a little boy together. Our son was about 3 when my exah decided it might be cool to give heroin a try.
I stayed with my exah for more than 3 years after learning about his addiction. My exah went into two rehabs at my insistence...and he relapsed almost immediately each time...only I didn't know it right away...because he was a very accomplished liar. Very accomplished.
I felt alot like you did for a long time...finding no joy in anyting...actually thinking the people listed in the obituaries each day were lucky because at least their stuggle with life was over. I never seriously considered suicide only because someone had to take care of our son but I felt absolutely trapped in a situation not of my making.
But...and here is the kicker...the situation was of my making.
I had to stop looking at myself as a victim and start taking my life back piece by piece.
One day, when I felt like I just couldn't sink any lower or take one more minute of the life I was living, I left.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and yet it was also the easiest because it was a matter of survival at this point. I knew without a doubt that if I stayed I would be giving up my future and any hope I might have had that our son would live a 'normal' childhood.
My exah and I have been divorced for about 3 years now.
He's clean (I think).
He's trying very hard to get his life back in order.
He says he WILL remarry me some day.
Me...I'm not so sure.
But he's clean...and he's a presence in our son's life...and my life is mine again. I'm no longer trapped. I'm actually very happy. My life is peaceful and stable.
Things were really bad for me and now they are alot better but the first step (and the most painful one by far) was taking responsiblity for my life and my future.
One day at a time...one decision at a time...I took away the power my exah had over my well being and put it back in my own hands.
Being a single mom is tough some days but its a piece of cake compared to what I went thru before. And the best thing is...is that my son who was 4 when I left my exah and is 9 years old today...is thriving.
I thank God everyday for helping me find the strength to do what I had to do. You can do this...you can...you absolutely positively can. Don't believe anything else. Your future is in YOUR hands...not the hands of your using husband. You've got to take the power back and do whats best for you...everything else will fall into place. I know this is true...it happened for me.
Big hugs from someone who really understands. I'm cheering you on girl !!