bottleblonde

Just when I thought life was getting better....

I am sitting here struggling with what to do with my marriage. I have gotten to the point that nothing at all in life brings me joy. I'm pessimistic, have little patience, don't want to clean house or do anything. I long for the days that I used to seek out ways to have fun with the kids. In the little free time I have I sit and think...think about my AH pill habit and all the problems it's caused. But I have to put on my fake happy face every single day for my kids, my family, my friends, and the rest of the outside world when all I want is to scream and cry and let it all out, that somehow it would magically be fixed, and O V E R.

My AH problem began 7 yrs ago when he became addicted to hydrocodone after back surgery. It was 2-3 yrs later when he lost his great job and was arrested for embezzlement that he told me it all happened to pay for the pills he had been hooked on all that time and I NEVER knew it. He was convicted, no jail time, he went through outpatient counseling for about 2 months (a joke of a place) then went on suboxone after relasping. He's greatly reduced his dosage, almost being off it by now, but the problem now is muscle relaxers, Soma.

I always know when he's taken them b/c of his demeanor...he acts drunk, slurrs words, can't get the right words to come out, droopy eyes, and the face sliding off the skull thing someone else here mentioned. We've had SO may talks about this, about how I feel cheated on, how he could lose his job or worse, kill himself. It's pointless to talk about it when he's used b/c he still denies it! Two months ago I told him, on a sober day, how I feel (YET AGAIN) and he says to me that I've never said it like that before and he will work on it. But then, this week, our 12yo son calls me at work to say that daddy isn't feeling weel, that he's come home for lunch, is sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream on his chest, head back, eyes half open, and he's shaking all over like he's really really cold. The last time he was like that I took him to the ER fearing he had OD'd!!! I rush home and, yes, of course, he's in that awful stupor, denying it all.

I AM SO PISSED!!!!! I want to beat the hell out of him so bad! In his drunken state he says he'll just get his stuff and leave, and everything in me said "GOOD! GO THEN!" BUT........

These times happen about once-twice a month, and during his sober times, things are really really good. He's a terrific father, husband, lover, an incredible a guy everybody loves. When I think about his problem and whether our marriage can continue, I think about all of this, how hurt and just destroyed the kids would be. I wonder if I am truly still in love with him, or with the memory of what he used to be?

I recently discovered that he'd been buying pills online for several months using this prepaid visa he has, and he said yes he used to do that because he was in pain with his back, and I said I didn't want him taking them so that's the only way to get them. That same week, I had a problem at the pharmacy and they gave me a prinout of purchases which included a script from his SUBOXONE dr he had just filled. I threatened to call the dr and I still don't know if I should.

When I think of all the problems in our lives over the past few years, they are 99% created by him. Most of my energy has been spent either making excuses, covering up, fixing problems, putting up fronts, forcing the happy face, and just being SICK in the pit of my stomach every time I find a pill stuffed somewhere. He actually has kept them in his sock he's wearing! One night he came home, and as we talked while he was changing clothes he took off his sock and out the pills flew! He had the nerve to say he had put them there a long time ago and didn't know they were there! He'd worn them ALL DAY!!!

I used to cry my eyes out each time he used, but now that feeling's numb. I once told him that if I didn't care I wouldn't even talk to him about it, that I worried so much that the day would come that I wouldn't cry anymore or care. Now I actually find myself wondering if it would be better if he really did OD. Sad, huh?

I know that is waaaaay long, but I am at the end of my rope here. Do I just keep looking the other way and keep this family together for the kids' sake, do I divorce him, do I stay for better or worse and keep trying to get him to rehab or something? I just want someone to tell me what to do and that when I do it things will be back to normal. I want to stay married to my husband, deep down I really do love and care for him immensely, but what is the right thing to do? I know he has legitimate back pain, but what is the answer? And what about his opiate addition/suboxone dr actually *prescribing* him another addictive substance?!

ANy comments/help is appreciated!