wifeofanaddict1

It been a long time since I've been on here. And I really don't know what made me remember this place. I guess it's the desperation of needing to talk to someone. So here goes....

I'm the wife on an addict, well fiance. We've lived together for 5 years now so I feel like an old married couple. If you read back in my previous threads. You'll see how devastated I was when I first found out he was an addict. Since the last time I was here I couldn't even count how many slip ups he has had. I now have a love hate relationship with him. I love that I used to be madly in love with him and I will always care for him, I hate that I haven't felt that spark with him in years. I hate that I never trust him and that if I stay with him my life will be like the tides. Back and forth from good to bad.

I have been working so very hard. I am well on my way to becoming financially independent. My ultimate goal is not to leave him when this happens, but to make a decision with out the worry of, "how will I make it."

So now for the real reason I am here. There's someone else. It's more of an emotional affair. We have never been "physical" or anywhere near it. He's in a relationship as well. We have had very similar problems of being hurt and having zero trust in the relationship. It all started last year for my birthday. We have mutual friends and met and hung out all night. a month goes by and we begin talking on the phone and we had met one amazing night where we just talked until the sun rose. It was obvious that we were both feeling the same about each other and he called me the next day and said he couldn't do this and I agreed. Then later on we talked again and then stopped. This has happened several times. with many months in between.

Well, hubby relapsed earlier this week and after a hard week of work. I decided I wanted a girls night. I was having a blast and the other guy appears out of a crowd. (This is a place he used to never go to) All of our friends decided they want to hang out (which I know was a setup for us). End of story, we hung out all night outside a house while everyone was inside the house. We talked, we jumped on a trampoline haha , and we just held each other.

And here's what will happen. I'm going to be on cloud nine. He's going to disappear, but his friends will tell me how crazy he is about me and I'll just keep going on with my life. I just don't understand how we keep running into each other like this. I feel so guilty for being so happy today. I just had to get this out. I know it's wrong. Please don't make me feel like the scum of the earth.