Paul,
I think it's good you're here. And I think it's good you're confronting your problem with alcohol and trying to address it in a way that honestly works for you. I can't predict what the outcome will be - it may be controlled drinking or it may be abstinance or it may be full-blown and progressive alcoholism. I have no expereince with any other program except AA, really. AA works for me. Here's how I think about the two issues you brought up:
God - I think people frequently misunderstand AA's writings about the concept of God. For me, I don't feel like I have any direct experience with God himself and I don't pretend to know who/what God is. What I can say is that I do have direct experience with the evidence of some force that affects us. My heart began to beat for mysterious purposes that I do not begin to know. The seed sprouts and blooms without anyone turning a light switch or saying "go." The smallest of miracles occur every day around us and we do not even see them. I don't see God in the big things - tornados and famine and war. I feel God in my heart when my son smiles at me, when my cat brushes against my leg, when I recognize kindness in strangers.
You say you don't want to hear God can cure your alcoholism. I don't think (unless I'm really mistaken) AA says that. It's such a blunt understanding of the way AA talks about it. Maybe you are letting your strict upbringing dictate how you hear it. Let go of it. That resentment doesn't help you any. God doesn't cure your alcoholism. You cure your alcoholism with the strength that you find when you surrender. And that's what God is. The Big Book says in the chapter at the back called, "Spiritual Experience" "With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves." Paul, that whole 2 pages is very illuminating. It doesn't sound like you've read it.
Alcohol as a disease - Whether or not alcoholism is a disease is something certainly to be contemplated but it's hardly a matter to define whether you dismiss or accept an organization that has had so much documented success with a progressive and fatal problem that you identify yourself as experiencing. The issue is really sort of mute. It doesn't matter. You can take that first step without having an opinion on the matter. In my limited experience, AA is good exactly because you can take small steps forward without having to digest and accept the sum of it all. Just start listening. Then start talking. Then get a sponsor. Then start reading. Little by little, you make progress than becomes substantial.
The first step in no way requires that you accept alcoholism as a disease. The first step is merely fully conceding to our innermost self that we are alcoholics and we are powerless over it - that our lives are unmanagable. It doesn't say "and agree that it's a disease." The experiment you are conducting to see if you can drink in moderation will tell you soon enough.
Remember, successfully drinking in moderation would also mean eliminating that obsession of the mind we alcoholics experience. Some part of me imagines that I might be able to drink in moderation if I was babysat constantly and given some sort of future pill that would make me sick if I drank more than 2 drinks. But I don't think anything would ever, ever cure the obsession of the mind accept totally stopping.
Paul, no one can say what will work for you. And I wish you success no matter how you go about getting sober. Sobriety is a huge life-changing experience for me - it's not just "moderating or stopping drinking." I don't know what it will be for you. But I hope you get a chance to find out. Keep us posted.
- MLE