I wanted desperately to be able to moderate. I started trying 20 yrs. ago. The result was 3 DUI's, ruined relationships, financial disaster, health issues. Each time I had a "success" - where I was able to have just a few, it would encourage me to keep going - but it is a progressive disease. After a time you will not be able to control or predict where that first drink will take you. For me - in the end, there was absolutely no control. All drinking led down the same road to hell. I do wish it wasn't so, Paul, but that's the way it was for me.