I wrote this whole big reply last night and the computer ate it! LOL...so here goes the new & improved version.
I'm in better spirits today. It's officially been 2 wks. since my screw up. I have to admit to myself that I can't drink. Period. That is hard. I get "clean" and "do good" and then I feel like I can drink. I want to be a part of the party and feel like I'm a little 20 something raver chick again. That ain't happening, I know!
Most of the time, I'm around my husband, either at home or if we go out, so I can't really sneak a drink or anything. I like that, in a way, because it keeps me honest and out of trouble. It's also been part of the problem, since it's a crutch.
I don't necessarily consider my husband to be controlling. He's very willful & looks at things as black & white. There aren't shades of grey with him and that's tough. We are very similiar, except that I have always been more of a partier, which since it has connections to memories from my past that I like, makes it that much more to really "put away". I was more wild and did drugs as well, something that he didn't do. I've always been more attracted to night clubs and the club kid lifestyle. There's where I got myself into trouble with my mistake (of drinking)! I spent time alone with someone who is a partier, who still goes to clubs, still does drugs and drinks fairly heavily (more than social) that's for sure. When I spend time with this friend, it always brings up both good and bad memories from our misspent early to mid 20s. If you've seen the movie "Party Monster", well, you'd kind of get the idea of what we thought was a good time back then.
Nowadays, that's not even me. You can hardly get me into a club, unless there's a good band playing, that is. I do go out sometimes, but it's a chore. I've found I do still like to go dancing, but only on occassion. I can't stand to get all dressed up every week. So why the feeing of a mid-life (I'm 34) crisis or whatever you'd call it?
I guess I'm babbling, but I have felt extremely guilty since I slipped. I have felt that he wouldn't forgive me, would call me weak or that he might banish me from talking to or seeing my friend, who is a sweet person despite his faults. I know better now than to go down to see him on my own and think I can party with him, but I still want him in my life.
I am actually the one who made the decision to quit drinking, for my own reasons. I begged my husband to join me for support and he did comply and actually could see his own reasons for stopping once we weren't drinking anymore. But, as I said, once I feel "better", I feel I can handle social drinking. I talked about this to him about 6 months ago and he did not agree to me starting to drink in social situations again (or on "special occassions").
That led to a lot of resentment, since I felt I couldn't make my own decision on this. It led to my drinking once again. Like an idiot. He told me so. Duh.
I have been looking into AA or something similiar (Smart Recovery is one, but there aren't a lot of meetings in my area). There are plenty of AA meetings in the immediate area. I also considered therapy, since I went to a therapist when I had an eating disorder and felt improvement. Now our insurance is crap and I'd pretty much have to pay full price for it, so that's kind of out. I need something that meshes with my beliefs, though, which lean towards Buddhism, with a little pagansim/wicca thrown in for good measure. I have a problem with the traditional concepts of AA - the "Higher Power" thing, specifically. That's why I'm looking into alternatives.
I've also realized that if I don't take care of myself, it will just be one thing after another. I switched and overlapped addictions. At one time, I was a social drinker, a bit overweight, but pretty well adjusted. I lost weight, felt good, and really got into fitness. I got a high off of the compliments about my super lean body and developed an eating disorder. People got scared, asked me to gain weight, I did...and then I developed a drinking problem. When I quit drinking, I start overeating somewhat and gained weight and got extremely depressed (almost to the point of hospitalization). All the while I can't find balance. It drives me crazy.
Sorry for the long post. All your kind words (and a few slaps upside my head...LOL) have been great.
Angie
PS My husband is not a bad guy. I didn't mean to paint him that way. He just doesn't understand how words alone can hurt me very deeply