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Feedback/advice needed...about triggers & my husband

Old 04-25-2008, 09:06 AM
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Feedback/advice needed...about triggers & my husband

Hey there...

I've posted a couple of times here. I've been married 10 yrs. When we got married, both of us drank. Three years ago, we made the mutual decision to quit and as far as I know, he's never slipped. I did, about 3 wks. ago. He does not know that I slipped. Frankly, I feel that if he found out, he'd divorce me. He is a a very "black and white" thinker. Basically, he quit, hasn't turned back (supposedly) and thinks everyone should be able to do the same. It's frustrating sometimes, but I do love him. I'm ashamed that I slipped up.

On to my question...he occassionally, not often, but often enough to bother me, brings up the topic of alcohol when he sees something like a commercial on TV or something in the store, etc. I find these comments to send a very mixed message. Like last night, we're watching TV, and a Miller Chill commercial comes on. The commercial ends, and he makes a comment that "it doesn't look half bad (*tasting* implied)". My comment back was something like, "Why would you care?". Nothing back from him.

Problem is, I think about alcohol (and drinking or not drinking) EVERY DAY (especially since the slip up). I really don't know what to think. I admit to doing this sort of thing myself (like I still look at the fancy schmancy drink menu at the local pub restaurant we go to...and envy the yummy sounding fruity things on it).

For someone dead set against alcohol, he seems to be okay with it, which seems weird to me. Any comments/advice?
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:58 AM
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I have found myself watching alcohol commercials and thinking "that's not bad" myself. So far (thank god) I have not had much thought or obsession to pick up a drink but I am still an alcoholic and even though I think a beer would be good I know that I cannot control it and therefore I cannot have it. I would suggest that if you are in AA and have a sponsor you talk to them about your relapse and get it out to someone. That resentment could keep you relapsing and keeping it from your husband might just eat you alive. I would let someone with some time sober know what you're feeling and let them help you through it. that is the beauty of AA, drunks helping other drunks... you just need to reach out to them... My 2 cents...
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:59 AM
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I appreciate the insight. I have spoken to him about making comments about alcohol and that these sorts of comments bother me and make me want to drink again. That being said, really the biggest reason I don't drink is that he doesn't want me to (and I don't want hangovers...LOL). I'm serious about this, but I just wonder if he's so dead set against drinking, why discuss alcohol in this way? Especially with someone who's repeatedly told you that it bothers her, that it's triggering and that it makes her feel like drinking again.

I just feel it's akin to someone who's recovered from an eating disorder (which I've had) having someone make weight comments to them.

I don't use AA. I've thought about it, but don't know how I'd go without him knowing about it. I don't think he'd support me going to AA. He'd probably say I was being a "wimp". In his opinion, people shouldn't need help quitting (anything, even serious hard drug addictions), should never slip or look back. It's great he can do this (in theory, at least), but not everybody can.

I slipped due to resentment. I thought I could drink like "an adult" and I ended up passed out and vomitting. Fool.
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:22 AM
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Hi Wellgrrl,

To be honest, after reading through your posts, I think you are focusing way too much on your husband. Your sobriety is about you. You said you don't drink because he doesn't want you to. And, you don't seek support for your sobriety becuase he wouldn't want you to. This is not about your husband and I think if you focus on yourself, things will go more smoothly for you.
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:25 PM
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I agree with what Anna said. He wouldn't expect you to build a house without the right tools for the job. AA is the tools you need. It should not be seen as a sign of weakness, but of courage. Him knowing that his comments about drinking are triggers for you and to still do them makes it seem as if he has made it into a contest of who will cry uncle first IMO.And he's pushing all your buttons so he comes out on top the Winner! Don't let him take your power away. If he thinks your weak tell him yes you are that's why your going to go to AA. There's more to quitting drinking then just stopping when your addicted. Take care of your self first and everything else will follow.
Linda
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Old 04-25-2008, 02:24 PM
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I agree that your sobriety should be about YOU. Take the focus off your husband and do this for you. If you went to AA would he be mad? Does it really matter? Perhaps if you just stated to him that you aren't as strong as he is and you need help with your sobriety. And go to a meeting with or without him. Go with yourself. Go for yourself. In doing so you could get some phone numbers to call when you're feeling weak and worn down.

Just do this for YOU.:ghug3
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Old 04-25-2008, 03:14 PM
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Wellgrrl,

I am sorry that you are having these difficulties. I want to break it down into three parts, I hope you don't mind:

1) Your husband - From experience, I recognize a controlling man when I read about one. My own husband is extrememly controlling. But he really doesn't recognize it - it seems like he just expects others to follow his lead and not question it. This is very difficult for me and I try to pick and choose my battles but I find that much of the time I am "the follower" and he is "the leader" or else we don't have peace in the household.

If I didn't have 4 kids to raise (the youngest is 4, oldest is 15), I would probably leave him over this issue. It's just too hard to constantly have to please him, to feel judged and criticized by him and to be somewhat fearful of his disapproval.

In that hypothetical situation, hopefully, he'd go to therapy with me and we could resolve it and not seperate. All of this is to say, I think you've got a controlling man on your hands and that's hard and I'm sorry.

2) Your drinking "agreement" with your husband - One good thing about that is that he is not drinking. Imagine if your spouse was drinking around you and throwing it in your face. Some people have that problem and I'm always so grateful that I don't. At the same time, there's something so strange about your agreement with your husband, I can't quite put my finger on it.

It's as if you guys quit as one person rather than as two. Like a pair of legs going in the same direction. What if one starts going the other way? It causes huge problems. You are not one person - you are two. Maybe this is your chance to quit on your own and see it as your own decision. You even stated the biggest reason you don't drink is because he doesn't want you to. I would look very closely at that thought. I think it would be very hard and a constant battle that I would loose if I was not drinking to please someone else. I think others before me have stated that.

3) Your own drinking - If you are not drinking for your husband, I wonder if you have doubts about your alcoholism? Your obsession with alcohol (thinking about it every day, lusting after drinks on a menu, etc) sort of makes me think that you really are not sober in the way AA can help you get sober. It sounds to me (& of course, I could be deeply mistaken) like you are just "not drinking" but that you haven't taken the kind of spiritual and lifetime steps that you really need to live a peaceful and sober life.
Not going to AA because your husband thinks it shows weakness makes it appear that you don't really have your own will. Once again, it's like that pair of legs - but this time you are just a useless leg being dragged around by the other leg. I mean, you don't drink for him and then you don't go to AA for him. What is it that you want to do if he doesn't tell you what to do?
Please forgive me if what I've said hurts you or offends you. I don't mean to at all. I mean to help you. I think this forum is such a unique opportunity to really share ideas and learn from each other. And that's my only goal. And I speak so highly of AA because it has frankly saved my life.

I hope you keep reading and posting. We can all help each other. Hang in there.
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Old 04-26-2008, 06:25 AM
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Wellgrrl,

Forget about your husband and go to A.A. If he doesn't understand, or isn't supportive, well it will suck... but you still need to do what you need to do to recover.

To thine own self be true.

John
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Old 04-26-2008, 08:09 AM
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I wrote this whole big reply last night and the computer ate it! LOL...so here goes the new & improved version.

I'm in better spirits today. It's officially been 2 wks. since my screw up. I have to admit to myself that I can't drink. Period. That is hard. I get "clean" and "do good" and then I feel like I can drink. I want to be a part of the party and feel like I'm a little 20 something raver chick again. That ain't happening, I know!

Most of the time, I'm around my husband, either at home or if we go out, so I can't really sneak a drink or anything. I like that, in a way, because it keeps me honest and out of trouble. It's also been part of the problem, since it's a crutch.

I don't necessarily consider my husband to be controlling. He's very willful & looks at things as black & white. There aren't shades of grey with him and that's tough. We are very similiar, except that I have always been more of a partier, which since it has connections to memories from my past that I like, makes it that much more to really "put away". I was more wild and did drugs as well, something that he didn't do. I've always been more attracted to night clubs and the club kid lifestyle. There's where I got myself into trouble with my mistake (of drinking)! I spent time alone with someone who is a partier, who still goes to clubs, still does drugs and drinks fairly heavily (more than social) that's for sure. When I spend time with this friend, it always brings up both good and bad memories from our misspent early to mid 20s. If you've seen the movie "Party Monster", well, you'd kind of get the idea of what we thought was a good time back then.

Nowadays, that's not even me. You can hardly get me into a club, unless there's a good band playing, that is. I do go out sometimes, but it's a chore. I've found I do still like to go dancing, but only on occassion. I can't stand to get all dressed up every week. So why the feeing of a mid-life (I'm 34) crisis or whatever you'd call it?

I guess I'm babbling, but I have felt extremely guilty since I slipped. I have felt that he wouldn't forgive me, would call me weak or that he might banish me from talking to or seeing my friend, who is a sweet person despite his faults. I know better now than to go down to see him on my own and think I can party with him, but I still want him in my life.

I am actually the one who made the decision to quit drinking, for my own reasons. I begged my husband to join me for support and he did comply and actually could see his own reasons for stopping once we weren't drinking anymore. But, as I said, once I feel "better", I feel I can handle social drinking. I talked about this to him about 6 months ago and he did not agree to me starting to drink in social situations again (or on "special occassions").
That led to a lot of resentment, since I felt I couldn't make my own decision on this. It led to my drinking once again. Like an idiot. He told me so. Duh.

I have been looking into AA or something similiar (Smart Recovery is one, but there aren't a lot of meetings in my area). There are plenty of AA meetings in the immediate area. I also considered therapy, since I went to a therapist when I had an eating disorder and felt improvement. Now our insurance is crap and I'd pretty much have to pay full price for it, so that's kind of out. I need something that meshes with my beliefs, though, which lean towards Buddhism, with a little pagansim/wicca thrown in for good measure. I have a problem with the traditional concepts of AA - the "Higher Power" thing, specifically. That's why I'm looking into alternatives.

I've also realized that if I don't take care of myself, it will just be one thing after another. I switched and overlapped addictions. At one time, I was a social drinker, a bit overweight, but pretty well adjusted. I lost weight, felt good, and really got into fitness. I got a high off of the compliments about my super lean body and developed an eating disorder. People got scared, asked me to gain weight, I did...and then I developed a drinking problem. When I quit drinking, I start overeating somewhat and gained weight and got extremely depressed (almost to the point of hospitalization). All the while I can't find balance. It drives me crazy.

Sorry for the long post. All your kind words (and a few slaps upside my head...LOL) have been great.

Angie

PS My husband is not a bad guy. I didn't mean to paint him that way. He just doesn't understand how words alone can hurt me very deeply
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Old 04-27-2008, 01:01 AM
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Sounds to me as if your husband probably wasn't an alcoholic.

And as if you need any kind of 'permission' ... here it is:

You don't need anyone's permission to seek spiritual alignment.
You don't need permission to take care of yourself.
You don't need permission to do whatever you must to not drink.
Permission has already been granted for you and there's proof:
you're breathing.
Permission ... granted.


You have my permission ... to tell him that.

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Old 04-27-2008, 03:17 AM
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Originally Posted by wellgrrl View Post
I need something that meshes with my beliefs, though, which lean towards Buddhism, with a little pagansim/wicca thrown in for good measure. I have a problem with the traditional concepts of AA - the "Higher Power" thing, specifically.
Who said Buddha can't be your higher power?!?!?

:wtf2
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Old 04-27-2008, 07:38 AM
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Well, Buddha is not a deity. He was a mortal man who attained enlighenment, as we all can. So, essentially the higher power is in you.

Originally Posted by C2H5OH_Free View Post
Who said Buddha can't be your higher power?!?!?
You're right. I shouldn't have to have permission to get well. He always supported me in therapy, but I've always wondered how he'd react if I went to a support group.
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Old 04-27-2008, 07:50 AM
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Just in case this will help you (if not ignore please)

I use AA, and for an HP I use "the buddha nature", "Karma" (Law of cause and effect) and stuff like that. I have a variety of higher powers. You are right wellgirl....in most sects of buddhism buddha is not a god. PM me if you like.

You might check out 12 steps on buddha's path, Bill Buddha & we by laura s.
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Old 04-27-2008, 08:09 AM
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I don't know to what extent his behavior has been exhibited but just for the record....MY experience is that after several years sobriety (12 next month) I still occassionally think "that looks good" when seeing some ads BUT it's just that - "a thought" - so far, none of these thoughts has morphed into a craving. In my case, I have to say, I am not an alcoholic because I have anything against alcohol. On the contrary, I am an alcoholic because I love it. Alcohol is not my enemy - my addiction to it is. I noticed you mentioned that he is "dead set against alcohol" - If that is true, I can certainly see your concern - they do seem to be contradicting messages. So, maybe your (his) situation is completely different than mine but I thought I would share my perspective for what it's worth (if anything) :chatter hahaha - I truly wish you the best and am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
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