Wellgrrl,
I am sorry that you are having these difficulties. I want to break it down into three parts, I hope you don't mind:
1) Your husband - From experience, I recognize a controlling man when I read about one. My own husband is extrememly controlling. But he really doesn't recognize it - it seems like he just expects others to follow his lead and not question it. This is very difficult for me and I try to pick and choose my battles but I find that much of the time I am "the follower" and he is "the leader" or else we don't have peace in the household.
If I didn't have 4 kids to raise (the youngest is 4, oldest is 15), I would probably leave him over this issue. It's just too hard to constantly have to please him, to feel judged and criticized by him and to be somewhat fearful of his disapproval.
In that hypothetical situation, hopefully, he'd go to therapy with me and we could resolve it and not seperate. All of this is to say, I think you've got a controlling man on your hands and that's hard and I'm sorry.
2) Your drinking "agreement" with your husband - One good thing about that is that he is not drinking. Imagine if your spouse was drinking around you and throwing it in your face. Some people have that problem and I'm always so grateful that I don't. At the same time, there's something so strange about your agreement with your husband, I can't quite put my finger on it.
It's as if you guys quit as one person rather than as two. Like a pair of legs going in the same direction. What if one starts going the other way? It causes huge problems. You are not one person - you are two. Maybe this is your chance to quit on your own and see it as your own decision. You even stated the biggest reason you don't drink is because he doesn't want you to. I would look very closely at that thought. I think it would be very hard and a constant battle that I would loose if I was not drinking to please someone else. I think others before me have stated that.
3) Your own drinking - If you are not drinking for your husband, I wonder if you have doubts about your alcoholism? Your obsession with alcohol (thinking about it every day, lusting after drinks on a menu, etc) sort of makes me think that you really are not sober in the way AA can help you get sober. It sounds to me (& of course, I could be deeply mistaken) like you are just "not drinking" but that you haven't taken the kind of spiritual and lifetime steps that you really need to live a peaceful and sober life.
Not going to AA because your husband thinks it shows weakness makes it appear that you don't really have your own will. Once again, it's like that pair of legs - but this time you are just a useless leg being dragged around by the other leg. I mean, you don't drink for him and then you don't go to AA for him. What is it that you want to do if he doesn't tell you what to do?
Please forgive me if what I've said hurts you or offends you. I don't mean to at all. I mean to help you. I think this forum is such a unique opportunity to really share ideas and learn from each other. And that's my only goal. And I speak so highly of AA because it has frankly saved my life.
I hope you keep reading and posting. We can all help each other. Hang in there.