(((Easeful)))
Maybe my story will help you, I will try to keep it short (lol!)-
I haven't been in touch with my mother since 1985 (easier than counting the years at this point!). I was 18 years old. It's a long story (of course) how I got to my breaking point, but thankfully my Father was a great support and comfort to me and helped me out.
My mother is in her late 70's (born in 1928, again easier than counting). Her oldest sister just died last year, who I remained close with all these years - she never told my mother! That was the closest I have come to "picturing" her old and alone, and you know - I found myself trusting myself. You should know, I am working on some serious codependent issues, but this is one area where I have had No Trouble sticking to my decision! Go figure! Throughout the years I have heard that she has not changed. She does to others what she did to me. Only they get away a lot faster than I did! I do not believe for one moment that she never "saw" her own behavior. It was her choice not to go and get help for herself to be a happier and healthier person, and therefore a better Mother. Her choice to ignore it and take the easy road, to just let it fly. Unacceptable to me.
Your father continues to behave in ways that you have clearly stated are unacceptable. In doing so he has chosen to disrespect you, your feelings and your boundaries. Not only that, but during obviously difficult times with your own child, he has not only not given you support, or even left you alone, he has added to your emotional distress! IMO he has earned your disrespect and distrust. Nor does he have the right to expect any more from you than he has given regardless of his age or health. He's a grown up (and has been for a long time), he knew he was getting older, he knew there was/is a chance his health might fail him and he might need/want the comfort of his family, but by his own choice, he threw that away.
I'm sorry this is long. I tend to be long-winded anyway
- but this is a subject that is very close to home obviously. I have strong opinions that not everyone is meant to be parents just because they physically can. There is no magic wand that comes with procreation - as you know, being a parent takes work, consistency and above all, unconditional love.
Continue to be the parent to your child that you are, know that you are the best Mother for him and that you did not continue the cycle. Bless you for that by the way! It does my heart good when I hear parents being parents! Let your Dad live with his choices. They are his. You aren't mean or hateful to not accept behavior like that from him. Would you accept it from anyone else?
All this is just my opinions and my own experiences. Take what you want and leave the rest. I wish you some peace from this pain. I can't imagine having it in your life for so long. You are his perfect daughter and for whatever reason he chooses not to acknowledge this (I'm guessing somewhere inside he knows). It's clearly his loss.
You have the right to your own life. You have the right not to accept people into your life who cause you grief and pain on purpose. You have the right to be healthy.
Bless you!