Need to get rid of the picture
I've posted my story before but by way of a recap.....I'm an ACOA but I didn't know it until I was in my late 30's. My Dad is a completely toxic person to me. I've been disinherited more than once and I'm an only child. Our most recent estrangement happened about 18 months ago, when he was screaming at me over the phone and I told him this was it, no more abuse. For over a year I continued to write him letters once a month updating him on my life and that of his only grandchild, who is now 20.
Then in Dec. my son, his only grandchild had a psychotic break. My h called to let my Dad know what was going on. A couple of days later there was an abusive profanity laden message on the voice mail from my Dad. I wrote another letter laying out my boundaries, basically saying that no abusive communications would be acknowledged in any way. Last time I heard my Dad's voice. ::sigh:: Don't get the wrong idea, it's not like he was answering my letters. I did get a Christmas card.
I continued my montly updates until Feb. when we hit a second mental health crisis with my son. I wrote a particularly grim letter to my Dad detailing how things were and the outlook for the future. That was the last time I wrote.
If you made it this far, here's the thing...... My Dad's 81 years old. He's been as strong as an ox his whole life, as far as I know he still is. When he was 75 he was still wroking men in their 30's into the ground. He's mean as hell and did I mention he's really scary?
But I think I'm finally really, really done. What is the point? He's never going to approve of me, never going to love me, never going to acknowledge any thing I've ever accomplished. So...how do I get that image out of my head? The one of the pitiful alone broken old man without anyone? The sad man who wonders every day why his only daughter has foresaken him in his final days? And btw, we've been in the final days or a couple of decades by now.
For what it's worth, I know the image is false. I'm certain this man never gives me or my son a second thought unless it's in a situation where he can garner sympathy or manipulate someone by using us. But still I see the image and hear, "bad daughter, bad daughter, bad daughter."
Please help me make it stop.