continued
The alcoholic often attributes to his spouse characteristics and attitudes that exist only in his mind. He may place her in a position of super-ego, a kind of deity, and not a gentle and forgiving one, but a punishing one. This, too, meets a desperate need in him. Overcome by his terrible guilt, the alcoholic actually craves punishment because he wants his guilt alleviated. And when she does denounce him, rail at him, fight with him, the ‘culprit’ feels a sense of relief, as though he had paid for his sins. In this way, she plays right into his hands and makes it possible for him to excuse his continued drinking. She, at the same time, has relieved her pent-up feelings about his irresponsibility and neglect, and in this unhealthy interaction, alcoholic marriages often go on year after year with neither one making any effort to break out of this destructive pattern.
If she is gentle and long-suffering, her image increases his guilt and drives him still further in his search for oblivion through alcohol.
But in either case, and whether he is drinking or has become sober, he has unwittingly forced her to stay in place on a pedestal where he feels her to be unapproachable. Being alcoholics, we fell like earthy clods who have no right to make love to a person in that exalted position in our lives. In some cases it’s a matter of feeling that we have partaken of the pleasures of the “devil” and therefore do not feel at lease with an “angel”.
Sometimes, because of sordid entanglements that may happen during blackouts, or even through the warped judgment that alcoholic elation brings about, he may equate alcohol and sex as evils, and once he has taken steps to overcome his addiction to alcohol, he also shies away from sex.
In other cases, difficulties in making sexual adjustments after sobriety may be due to a too-rigid attitude on the part of the spouse. Let’s say a crisis has brought the alcoholic into AA. He begins to correct his character faults, he is learning to take a more realistic view of life. As he struggles to make this slow climb back to sanity, his wife may continue to bring up his past faults. She may resent his dedication to AA that takes him to so many meetings. In other words, he is growing while she is stuck with all the old resentments that keep her angry and confused.
It seems to me the only hope of ironing out difficulties of this kind is for the spouse to turn to Al Anon where she can learn to understand her situation more clearly, and how to overcome the faults in her that contributed to the rift in their marriage. Once she discovers that she was not entirely blameless in all that has happened, they can go forward together and establish a relationship of mutual respect, tolerance and affection.