Nicely put Anvil. And you've pretty accurately described what's been going on. I suppose the only difference now is that I actually realize I'm setting the table on fire and can see why she won't let me back in.
I didn't intend to give the impression that I want her to forgive and forget now that I've had these revelations about myself. And I don't expect her to just let her defenses down and start entertaining the idea that perhaps I might be someone she would like to be around again. But it is obvious to me that I am going to have to point out things that are different about me because she definitely can't see it right now. The simple fact that I proposed that we have lunch and talk about things is a dramatic shift. I'm not looking for a pat on the back for that, but it is different from my normal "avoid the problem and it's not there" mode.
That being said, the whole reason I posted my "story" was to see if I could gain some enlightenment. And you are providing that in spades. So I do appreciate that. Regardless of how many times my wife has characterized the situation, there are always pieces that leave me to guess what the rest is. Your scenario didn't leave any pieces out which is a big help.