Spouse struggling with an ACOA

Old 04-17-2008, 09:09 AM
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Spouse struggling with an ACOA

I came across this forum yesterday, so I hope this posting isn't something that has already been addressed somewhere else. But here goes...

Six years ago, I learned that I'd been in the throes of a severe depression for over two years. I'll skip the details, but suffice to say that a number of things were going on at the time and I finally snapped.

Anyway, my wife (who I thought was struggling with something at the time) told me she'd had enough and wanted a divorce (after 18 years). That shock led me to meet with a therapist who diagnosed the depression in a matter of minutes. Now, six years later, I've come to understand that I'm also an ACOA. My mother was an alcoholic, which I knew from a pretty young age but never thought about the possibility that the characteristics I struggle with now could be related (intense fear of rejection, difficulty forming opinions of my own, trouble making decisions, etc).

Over the past year, I've been reading voraciously about ACOA and now at least understand a lot of the things I do or don't do; at least in so far as what my natural responses to situations are.

My wife, however, has been so frustrated that she has all but given up and will not at least read a little bit about the effects of being raised in an alcoholic system. She sees this stuff as just excuses for the things I do. Her burning question? "Why haven't you touched me in eight years!" It is true, we've had zero physical relationship for that long. And after some intense experiential therapy last summer, along with continuing to learn as much as I can about being an ACOA, now I know more about myself.

The biggest frustration I'm struggling with now is that knowing what I do about myself now, I can finally work to change my automatic/natural responses. For example, as difficult as it is for me to engage in confrontational situations, I now push through them realizing that the outcome doesn't have to be the end of the relationship with the other person. I deal with this in my business life frequently, and the change has been dramatic. It has enabled me to stand up for myself when I make decisions or disagree with my colleague, and that has been extremely gratifying. But my wife doesn't see it.

I apologize for the longwinded intro, but my question is: can any of you suggest how I might at least get my wife to "turn toward me" long enough to listen to what I am finally understanding about myself? A month ago, I gave her a book written by Wotitz (A Guide to Adult Children of Alcoholics) along with a long card explaining that I wasn't asking her to read it for any other reason than to see if some of it sounded familiar. I also told her that I hesitated giving it to her simply because I don't want it misconstrued as me offering up excuses. At the time, she said "this is a great first step...but you're right, there are no excuses." A week later, in one of her venting moments, she said she "didn't give a *&%$ about the book...it's just more excuses."

I know my wife has felt abandoned, lonely, hurt, angry for a long time. If I could change what has happened over the past eight years, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. All I can do is keep digging into myself and working to undo so many of the characteristics that have been burned into me since I was a young child.

Thank you for taking the time. I really appreciate anything any of you can offer.

JDee
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Old 04-17-2008, 09:27 AM
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I am not a marriage counselor and perhaps you have already done all this - but all I can think of is to apologise, show that you understand that she has had a tough time, and then ask what she would find helpful from you, in order to move forward -- on top of the ACOA work you are already doing.

But perhaps you have already done this?
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Old 04-17-2008, 01:20 PM
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Thank you howatch and Anvil for your quick responses. I really appreciate it.

We have done a bit of marriage counseling, though recently we were basically "kicked out" because the one we were seeing essentially felt there was nothing she could do for us. There is so much anger/hostility from my wife that that has to be dealt with before there is any chance of us moving forward and starting over.

And you're right, I do need to accept the fact that my wife may just not be able to do this anymore. I suppose what is the most disappointing for me is simply that the only person in my life that I want to at least try to understand why I've been wired the way I am, is my wife. I just had lunch with her to see if we can talk about stuff some more. That is something that, before really starting to work on my ACOA issues, that I would have avoided like the plague. I think she at least recognizes that.

She also said that she has read a little bit of the book I gave her. That was at least a little bit encouraging. And in our conversation, one of the issues she brought up was how difficult it is for me to start a project let alone finish it. She found it pretty enlightening, as she put it, when I told her that if I don't finish it, the outcome couldn't be criticized. Seems twisted given that not finishing it probably generates even more criticism, but it is what it is.

All I tried to explain today was that I am trying to understand why I am the way I am and start changing it. But it won't be easy. I don't know if she'll ever be able to get through her anger toward me. Bottom line right now is she can't understand why I've done this to her. At least now I can start putting some meaningful replies to her questions.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:05 PM
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Nicely put Anvil. And you've pretty accurately described what's been going on. I suppose the only difference now is that I actually realize I'm setting the table on fire and can see why she won't let me back in.

I didn't intend to give the impression that I want her to forgive and forget now that I've had these revelations about myself. And I don't expect her to just let her defenses down and start entertaining the idea that perhaps I might be someone she would like to be around again. But it is obvious to me that I am going to have to point out things that are different about me because she definitely can't see it right now. The simple fact that I proposed that we have lunch and talk about things is a dramatic shift. I'm not looking for a pat on the back for that, but it is different from my normal "avoid the problem and it's not there" mode.

That being said, the whole reason I posted my "story" was to see if I could gain some enlightenment. And you are providing that in spades. So I do appreciate that. Regardless of how many times my wife has characterized the situation, there are always pieces that leave me to guess what the rest is. Your scenario didn't leave any pieces out which is a big help.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:52 PM
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Thanks Anvil. I have to admit that sitting there listening to her anger and venom spewing forth, and realizing that my heart rate wasn't steadily climbing toward 200, was a strange but very welcome feeling to have. I'm hopeful that by continuing to invite her to talk about this stuff that she will start to let it out. And maybe, just maybe, we can start building a new relationship.

I also realize that there is a chance that that new relationship might not work for us. I'm hopeful that it will, but I'm definitely a different person than I used to be, though I believe it's for the good.

Your similes are pretty amazing. Like I said, I had hoped somebody might be able to provide some insight. I didn't anticipate getting it so clearly spelled out for me. At this point all I know is that I have to keep working to understand myself at the same time. The way I described it to my wife was this: it's like I've been wired one way, and now, after years and years of not knowing my circuits were wired incorrectly (or at least, unproductively), I have to not only cut those wires loose from the points where they're soldered together, but now I have to figure out where the wires do belong AND solder them together completely. I know that won't be easy, but I do feel like the process has begun.
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Old 04-17-2008, 03:47 PM
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Exactly (on the blindfold part).

Actually, I have a therapist that has helped me with this quite a bit. But the biggest change for me came when I decided to go away for a week to participate in an intense program. My therapist had recommended it, but I didn't think I was ready for it at the time. A year later, I started really uncovering the whole ACOA thing, and it went from there.

I will admit that I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but it was a life-altering week that I would highly recommend. It was during that week that I finally found a "family." By that I mean everyone there had different underlying issues, but we were all pretty much in the same place. And ACOA was a big component. During that week, I not only started to really connect with how I got to where I was, but I started realizing that things could be different.

As far as reading and learning about this stuff, that is one thing I've never had a problem with. Never once have I closed a book, unless I just felt it didn't fit. After returning from my week away, where I also learned that I had an awful lot of buried anger toward my parents. I just didn't understand why before then. My alcoholic mother died about eight years ago (there's a strong connection to that and my depression at the time), so there really wasn't much I could do there, except understand what was going on. My father, on the other hand, is still very much around. He is not an alcoholic, but his parenting style was not much different from my mother's. Nothing I did was good enough, etc. So after returning home, I met with him in a few therapy sessions and explained where I'd been and what I'd done. After cleansing myself of all of that anger (at the facility I went to), I have virtually no anger toward my dad any longer.

I did tell him that I would no longer allow him to treat me the way he did, and that it would take time for us to reconnect. But it has been fantastic. For the first time in my life, I feel like the relationship between us is real instead of superficial.

Anyway, my "family of choice" that I found during my week of therapy, has been a phenomenal support group. I do reach out to them regularly, and vice versa. And I have one friend in town that has been a big help too. And reaching out to others is something I never would have done before either. I do realize that by talking to people, including through this forum, I receive more perspective and opportunities to keep ferreting out all of the crap. I know it won't happen overnight, but it took 44 years to get me to where I am, so I figure putting in a few to make significant, meaningful, and lasting changes is something I can handle.
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