JDee

I came across this forum yesterday, so I hope this posting isn't something that has already been addressed somewhere else. But here goes...

Six years ago, I learned that I'd been in the throes of a severe depression for over two years. I'll skip the details, but suffice to say that a number of things were going on at the time and I finally snapped.

Anyway, my wife (who I thought was struggling with something at the time) told me she'd had enough and wanted a divorce (after 18 years). That shock led me to meet with a therapist who diagnosed the depression in a matter of minutes. Now, six years later, I've come to understand that I'm also an ACOA. My mother was an alcoholic, which I knew from a pretty young age but never thought about the possibility that the characteristics I struggle with now could be related (intense fear of rejection, difficulty forming opinions of my own, trouble making decisions, etc).

Over the past year, I've been reading voraciously about ACOA and now at least understand a lot of the things I do or don't do; at least in so far as what my natural responses to situations are.

My wife, however, has been so frustrated that she has all but given up and will not at least read a little bit about the effects of being raised in an alcoholic system. She sees this stuff as just excuses for the things I do. Her burning question? "Why haven't you touched me in eight years!" It is true, we've had zero physical relationship for that long. And after some intense experiential therapy last summer, along with continuing to learn as much as I can about being an ACOA, now I know more about myself.

The biggest frustration I'm struggling with now is that knowing what I do about myself now, I can finally work to change my automatic/natural responses. For example, as difficult as it is for me to engage in confrontational situations, I now push through them realizing that the outcome doesn't have to be the end of the relationship with the other person. I deal with this in my business life frequently, and the change has been dramatic. It has enabled me to stand up for myself when I make decisions or disagree with my colleague, and that has been extremely gratifying. But my wife doesn't see it.

I apologize for the longwinded intro, but my question is: can any of you suggest how I might at least get my wife to "turn toward me" long enough to listen to what I am finally understanding about myself? A month ago, I gave her a book written by Wotitz (A Guide to Adult Children of Alcoholics) along with a long card explaining that I wasn't asking her to read it for any other reason than to see if some of it sounded familiar. I also told her that I hesitated giving it to her simply because I don't want it misconstrued as me offering up excuses. At the time, she said "this is a great first step...but you're right, there are no excuses." A week later, in one of her venting moments, she said she "didn't give a *&%$ about the book...it's just more excuses."

I know my wife has felt abandoned, lonely, hurt, angry for a long time. If I could change what has happened over the past eight years, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. All I can do is keep digging into myself and working to undo so many of the characteristics that have been burned into me since I was a young child.

Thank you for taking the time. I really appreciate anything any of you can offer.

JDee