Kind, the "dry drunk syndrome" sounds all too familiar and seems to be running rampant this week. Even though she's not drinking, she's been magnifying trivial matters into epic arguments, making bewildering accusations of unfaithful thoughts/actions, etc one day and calculating the probability our children will have brown eyes the next.
I also don't harbor any ill will toward her mother, but I do recognize that she does play a very large part in the sustaining of the disease. Deep down I know she wants her to stop drinking too, as it's caused its own share of problems within their family. But she's also shown that no matter the circumstance, she will rescue agf from whatever trouble in which she has gotten herself. That 'safety net' emerges when agf's alcoholism is discussed as "mother will never abandon me, can't say that about you" or "her love isn't conditional."
Unfortunately, there's some guilt there, as both her mother and her grandmother are recovered alcoholics, and agf has used that as leverage when her mother has mentioned it before. I think the fact that her uncle is so sick also, has left everyone drained, and so none of them can afford much time/effort to it, especially now that they don't deal with it regularly with her out of the house.
And no worries kind/hbb, all of the posts you see have been both helpful and genial. And I am very much appreciative for as much- many of you have helped me to understand so much more about the situation and how everyone in it is affected.