thatoneguy

Thanks CDM for the merry-go-round link; it made sense in a lot of ways. To backtrack to your questions, I was referring to myself acknowledging that the negative effects from the drinking could result in too much of a toll. I was also asking help for myself as to understanding the difference between when an A is genuinely wanting to get help versus making an effort as a diversionary tactic. I had an initial impression that agf was falling more into the latter, but seeing as how I am very much green to being around alcoholics, I welcomed the perspectives of others...as I'm sure many of you have seen it first-hand and heard it aplenty. Let me know how that study is going btw

My apologies Barb, as with the further discussion I believe we were both misinterpreting each other. I'm very much coming from the point of view you expressed here:

As stated, she'll change or she won't, and our relationship status should not be a driving force one way or another. Your first reply, however, sounded as though you were assuming I was using a break-up as leverage to get her to change, and focused solely on that, ignoring my seeking of information in regard to getting help vs. diversion tactics. My reply was to assure that I wasn't issuing an ultimatum on changing the behavior or trying to gain leverage, and I really didn't want the thread to derail into a debate over boundary/ultimatum, but my apologies for any curtness in my reply.

I am new to all this, and I thought that perhaps I hadn't grasped certain terms that get thrown around here as you all have come to use them, but as kindeyes recognized, sometimes one can get overly absorbed in the particulars and lose the deeper meaning behind them. And thank you kind, for the motherly perspective. Unfortunately agf is the center and ends of her mother's universe. Of late agf's mother has been telling her to pretend the problems don't exist and to just pretend she's happy regardless, and it certainly seems as though it's making things that much worse for all of us.

Good point on focusing on the behaviors also, and that's what I've been attempting to do. But that was the snag that prompted my questions in the first place, because when said behaviors were cropping up while she was sober, I was then getting "at least I didn't drink," and it left me befuddled. Naturally, it's good on the one hand that she's not drinking, but if said behaviors surface when she abstains from drinking too...

And yes MrB/GL/TD...the inconsistency is one of, if not, the hardest parts of it all. One day she sees me as a loving, patient boyfriend with whom she wants to have a future...and the next she may see me as a lying, shady, cheating sleaze. Knowing that she doesn't mean it blunts it some, but it only goes so far. The interconnectedness of the alcoholism with the emotional baggage carried from anger/depression/anxiety issues can make it especially perplexing.

Noticing the removal of the inflammatory post, I've edited accordingly, but I will say this in a general sense... I'm sure the regulars have seen innumerable "newbies" such as myself ask the same questions and relate similar experiences. I'm sure you may very well get tired of having to replicate the same tried and true responses, and for my part I'm going to make a more thorough reading of the stickies. But remember, not all of us have read every pamphlet or had years of experience...that's why we're here, quite possibly in a time of crisis where e-courtesies like reading stickies may give way to a frenetic "what do I do about this" type post. I was obviously guilty of the same. A simple link to a stickied post that covers relevant topics and a kind word can go a long way.

At the very least, remember that there is a person behind each post, each computer. Taken from CDM's link, "If recovery from alcoholism is to be initiated, it must begin with the persons in the second act who must learn the dynamics of the illness, and to act in an entirely different fashion. New roles cannot be learned without turning to others who understand the play, and putting into practice the insight and understanding gained from this source."