It seems as though one's splitting hairs between the labels of boundaries and ultimatums, but let me explain myself more fully. It's not as cut and dried as get sober or I leave, else I would have already been gone. I can not accept the repeated arguments, the personal insults, the wanton endangerment, etc. that comes as a result of drinking. Thus, when they arise, I will remove myself from the situation as they are detrimental to the relationship and me.
How long one continues to sit in the loop of A choosing to drink, bringing about negative consequences, and then one sticking to his/her boundary by removing him/herself from the situation is relative, is it not? Simply acknowledging internally that A's behavior is going to take a toll on you and the relationship, one which could become too much if left unchecked, I don't find to be an ultimatum but rather being honestly self aware. With your line of thought, Barb, anyone who discontinues the enabling of that loop has set an ultimatum. If I were sitting here saying that I won't let A get fired because of the drinking, the codie police would be out in force. So what would be the difference if I refuse the prospect of the relationship ending because of the drinking? To arbitrarily bar any given consequence from befalling an A as a result of his/her drinking is rather codish, is it not?
My apologies if you were inferring certain attitudes about me personally, and those inferred attitudes were the dividing line between boundary and ultimatum for you. I'm not forcing, or expect to force, agf to change. She will or she won't, plain and simple. I have not specifically said to agf, get sober or we're over. Though her mother has told her that repeatedly, and may be a major impairment in the process, but I also can't control the communication between them. But I digress, as debating the difference between boundaries and ultimatums was not the point of this post.
I was looking for those more experienced to give some feedback as to where the line between getting help and the run-of-the-mill appeasement to protect the addiction lies, so thank you to those that actually helped address that. The dual phenomenon is certainly a befuddling one. It really seems as though I can be dealing with two entirely different people depending on whether agf is having well...for lack of a better term... an episode versus the calm inbetween.
And yes, B, the intent is to get my doctorate and teach on the collegiate level. I know it's a rather specific niche, and the current job market may dictate a different career in the short term, but it's something to which I earnestly look forward. I slogged through two years of forensic science, excelling but not particularly enthused about it. I finally came to the conclusion that there wasn't much point to sticking it out, as it's a bit foolish to think that things will change when at the core the material was always going to be the same without any major breakthroughs. If you're going to be doing something for the next 40+ years, might as well be something you enjoy. Symbolic much?
Haha, Co...I only consciously use novella to indicate length, because they're not quite long enough to fill a book, but a tad wordy nonetheless. And other forums (Warcraft) I'm sure I'd be met with TLDR...too long, didn't read. Though I'm sure Sigmund might say otherwise...he'd also say that biting my lip is not a mindless reaction to semi-tense environments but rather indicative of an oral sexual fixation left unfulfilled because my mother didn't breastfeed, but thank you for the compliment just the same
