Hiya thatoneguy-
I like your "philosophical" perspective - it feels thoughtful and calm! Living w/ an alcoholic can feel pretty insane at times so it's good you have some ability to detach and look on dispassionately at what's really going down.
A couple things stuck out to me:
"It seems to be an awfully fine line between genuinely attempting to get help with one's condition and doing just enough to take the heat off for a while."
That's a classic alcoholic behavior. It took me along time to understand that "nothing gets in the way of their drinking." That means they will continue to behave in ways that make it possible for their drinking to continue without interference from others or even from their own better judgement!
Addiction is the disease of denial. So if for her, not drinking every day lets her deny she hasa problem and so she can continue to drink, then she will not drink every day. If keeping a good job or a slot in grad school will make her believe she does not have a problem, then she will not lose the job or the spot in school. Do you see what I'm saying?
For a long time alcoholics can keep this up. But sadly it is a progressive disease and eventually their addiction will get so bad/obvious that they will only be able to fool themselves and no one else.
One of my A brothers still does not admit he has a problem. Through 2 DUI's, emergency neurosurgery for a hematoma suffered in a bar brawl, endless financial nightmares (he gambles when he drinks), countless lovely women leaving him in disgust and frustration - but nope - he's not an alcoholic - alcohol has NOTHING to do with any of that. OK.
Because he hasn't lost his job and he doesn't drink during the day (before 5p) he is not an alcoholic....whatevs - it's not our decision to make when they should recognize and get help or even IF they will get help.
We can only focus on ourselves. Because they will play those mind games forever and try to get us to validate their various states of denial or feel sorry for them (I'm such a loser, nothing ever goes my way, etc!) The compulsion to drink is so strong, such a physical addiction that it is overwhelms rational thought and rational behavior.
"Any thoughts from those far more experienced? Was there something looking back that you can point to as evidence that the alcoholic had dedicated themselves to getting help and not just appeasement?"
Yes, of course - BEHAVIOR, not "talk" or promises. When the person actually gets help, gets sober, AND actively works some kind of recovery program to maintain their sobriety and work on their underlying issues...otherwise it's all talk.
"Is it normal/possible for alcoholics to genuinely have this sort of yo-yo type attitude...or is it that at no point has agf really thought she had a problem?"
Normal - more than normal it is de rigeur! It is part of the M.O. It's why the roller-coaster metaphor is so apt for families of alcoholics/addicts.
It's good you've set some boundaries in place for yourself. Although maybe yours is more like an ultimatum - get sober or I leave you.
I think there's some good advice against ultimatums on here --I'm not clear on why they're a bad idea -- someone else here on SR maybe with some experience with the difference can answer that?
I hope it works out for you guys - and best of luck in grad school! You going for the Masters in Phil??
Peace,
B.