"At least I didn't drink"
For those who didn't read the first post, I've been with agf for 20 months as of yesterday. We've had our share of tribulations, those with much experience have probably heard all too often before, but a bit of an update.
Two nights ago, a couple 'friends' spoke with agf about going out to eat. As stated in my other post, these friends have been enabling of gf's alcoholism, even after being told about the situation. They've also voiced to agf that they think we should break up because I'm "too uptight and no fun." Being college age only adds to this sentiment. So naturally I'm none too inclined to hang out with these people, and agf knows this. Quite often she has defended them, saying that she likes them and that whether they think we should break up or not doesn't have a bearing on her...agree to disagree more or less.
While the plans for the night did not explicitly mention alcohol, it's nigh routine with these people, so I explained to her that if we did go, that she would have to be prepared to make that decision. I told her that I was tired of being used as the excuse/scapegoat for not drinking (My bf doesn't like it when I drink, so I can't), and that it really would be up to her to drink or not, but that she'd have to deal with the consequences that follow from it. She was quick to mention that she could just stay the night with them so I wouldn't have to deal with her being drunk.
That's all good and well, but on top of the alcoholism, she does have issues with anxiety and depression. Even if 'nothing' happens in the immediacy following the actual drinking, her mood will slowly sour as she sobers up, and too often leads to dire self-denigration and on occasion cutting. At one point she said that she told these friends all this, and that they saw nothing wrong with it, as they've "been there, done that."
She also, at the time, insisted that she either didn't have a problem with alcohol at all, or that she doesn't have a problem with it now. I pointed out that she was going to such great lengths to ensure a chance to drink just two weeks after she had deliberately lied to me about drinking with these same friends. She was also considering spending the night there in order to drink, which would mean she'd spend the first part of our 20 month anniversary drunk and away from home...seems to be going to awfully great lengths for something you just 'want to do.'
This seemed to resonate a bit, as she sidetracked the conversation to neutral topics, and just decided not to go out with these friends. My mood didn't immediately buoy, however, and it didn't sit well with her. At first she was angry...expecting me to do a 180 and be chipper and loving because she didn't drink, even saying that me acting this way just made her want to drink more. Then after a bit of time, she became sullen, saying how she always manages to screw things up and will never get it right, coming close to admitting that she has a problem with alcohol, but not outright saying it. She also seemed floored, at the time, that I would be near the point of breaking up with her...and yet at other times she's been incredibly frightened that it was going to happen. She responded with, "but at least I didn't drink."
It seems as if agf is always kinda hanging in between accepting that she has a problem and in need of help versus writing it off in some way (only around certain people for example).
My boundary, if you will, has been that agf needs to accept she's an alcoholic fully (she has said as much many times, but as stated also denies it at times) and take steps to deal with it for us to really have a future. I will be going to grad school next fall, and I've read literature that says those in recovery typically need to have a stable situation free of major changes for at least a year in order to truly get sober. So while by the book there's still enough time, it'd certainly be close. It seems to be an awfully fine line between genuinely attempting to get help with one's condition and doing just enough to take the heat off for a while.
Any thoughts from those far more experienced? Was there something looking back that you can point to as evidence that the alcoholic had dedicated themselves to getting help and not just appeasement? Is it normal/possible for alcoholics to genuinely have this sort of yo-yo type attitude...or is it that at no point has agf really thought she had a problem?
Admittably, I think part of agf's quandary is that she can go months at a time without these sorts of incidents, thinking more of the stereotyped alcoholic who spends every waking moment thinking about alcohol or has to drink every day.
P.S. I apologize for the novellas that are my posts...can you tell I was a philosophy major? :rof