Hey NM
Peace to ya man. You still rock with me.
As long as you are here, you are in some way on track.
I've been traveling. As I've been traveling, I've been reading. On airplanes, in motels. I've been reading psychiatric literature relating to relapse. I've been reading stuff relating to the first step.
The first step should be the "easy one." Usually we come into abstinence and recovery beat to crap and it is all to easy to submit. "I'm beat, I give up, I'll do anything."
But I've learned that submission to alcohol virtually insures that we will return to it at some point. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? It did to me. But, after reading some stuff so complex I'm dizzy, I now (to a degree) understand. Submission is different from SURRENDER. Compliance (to a program) is different than SURRENDER.
A boxer will submit. A football team, down 30 with a minute left, submits. But submission is temporary. There is next bout, next game, next year. I may be powerless today, but just wait. I'll train, I'll learn, I'll beat my weakness and prevail once again.
Surrender frees the individual from the dragon forever. There is no next time. No twisted thinking. No voice that can cause one to engage. Again these processes are very complex.
Over the past month I have read literally dozens of relapse posts here. From incredibly strong, wonderful people. Many have the whole world to lose. But they relapse. They risk everything. And lose.
NM, yours and everyone else's posts read like they are written by the same person! Seriously. I challenge you to find one that is unique.
They all begin with a courageous person. After all courage is the price of admission here. The cowards are in bars and under bridges. A prideful person, who spills his/her guts, usually convincing us all that they are wonderful people of inner character. Like you.
Then comes the days, weeks, even months of still more courage. Detox, withdrawal, times of sheer gutting it out. Then come voices. Inner conversation. Why? Only the people who have a battle left to fight do fight. And the courageous obviously feel that they can win.
Only by sheer surrender can we avoid relapse. I am now convinced of that. There is no conversation. There is no battle to prepare for. I simply know that I will lose. Every f'ing time. The outcome of battle is never in question. I lose. I have met the enemy and he is me.
A million meetings won't matter. Treatment won't matter. Environment doesn't matter. A person who merely submits still believes so strongly in his/her personal power that he/she will risk career, spouse, children-there is nothing they won't risk. Somehow we will come through at the buzzer and save the day.
Horsepucky. Only surrender gives us the protection we need. Only the knowledge that we face certain death gives us the courage to avoid the fight. No fight, no loss.
Every relapse story hurts. Some of these folks (like you) are like family. It hurts. Other people simply disappear. They apparently even lose their courage. But every relapse story reinforces my sense of powerlessness. Logic tells me that I am not the most powerful person here. Or the most courageous. Yet here I am with seven weeks. Why? Only because I have refused to engage the dragon. Not that he hasn't called. Oh man, he follows me everywhere. Jumps out of the bushes. Inhabits my dreams. He's in the shower. Interrupts my lovemaking. But he ain't very happy these days. Warren won't come out to play. I'm tired of getting my ass kicked.
I realize for the first time that fighting the dragon would be about as productive as Iceland launching a ground invasion of The United States. There might be some courageous battles, but the outcome is forgone. Sure Osama attacked, but is living out his days in a cave.
I am only bulletproof as long as I stay the hell away from gunfights. I will not engage. I will not battle with my thoughts. I've yet to read a relapse story that spoke of how good that wine, beer, or single malt tasted. That it was great to just visit but here I am back home again. Every story is of one who has been eviscerated. Been demoralized. Vanquished and ashamed. People are so confused they apologize to the wrong person. It is easy and unproductive to apologize to people you owe nothing to.
I just "Googled" "alcoholism surrender." 128,000 results. Might be something to it, eh? Might want to check it out, NM. I will be. Alcoholism is the first thing I've surrendered to in my 60 years, so I have a lot to learn. And I know I'll be tested every day.
Peace to you, NM. The worst thing by far about relapse would be not learning from it. It can make you a better person. I truly believe that a recovered alcoholic is a far more knowledgeable and effective person than one who has never touched a drink.
warren