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Negative Man Needs Help (Again!)

Old 04-05-2008, 05:27 PM
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Negative Man Needs Help (Again!)

Hi All,

I feel like an idiot writing this. After 42 days sober, I started drinking again. Four days now. I don't know why I needed more "research" to see if I can handle alcohol. I can't. I feel miserable. I can't concentrate, I want to be alone, and problems seem insurmountable. Just a few days back, everything was going swimmingly.

Or not, really. I placed my work above my sobriety and stopped going to meetings. I stopped reaching out to my friends. When people asked how I was doing, my answer was "fine." I wasn't fine though. The outcome should've been a no-duh.

Anyways, if you're reading this and thinking about drinking: Don't! The person you are right now, no matter how troubled, is in a better place than if you pick up the bottle. I'm miserable, and I don't want you to be. Reach out to people, if not for yourself, then for me.

Prayers and good vibes are much appreciated. Advice is always welcome. Back to the two-week board for me tomorrow. Send me good vibes for tomorrow if you can. I'll need them.

You guys rock. I'm very grateful to have a place to share these things. Thank you!

-- NM
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Old 04-05-2008, 05:34 PM
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well my prayers go out for ya starting over wont be easy b ut i know you can do it
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Old 04-05-2008, 05:35 PM
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NM,

I am at day 42 today, and the advice you've given is quite helpful. I have had a couple of days where I thought that drinking would actually make me feel better. Deep down inside I know the truth, and that is, it wont make me feel better it will only numb my problems shortly and when the morning comes those problems will be magnified 10 X.

I am sending those good vibes uour way.:ghug3
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Old 04-05-2008, 06:01 PM
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Ya know I came on here to confess too. In the past I mean, I felt like I let people down, they were all so supportive and I love them still.

42 days is not a long time. Stop counting days maybe?


It felt 'healthy to confess' Confess to who?

I am talking to myself here...you wanna quit? For who?

Until we quit for ourselves, the rest is just talk.


Sorry NM, hijacked yer thread there.
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Old 04-05-2008, 06:05 PM
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Well, now you've replicated your "research" results, you've got a trend... Maybe further study isn't needed.

NM, I really, really admire your ability to bounce back onto SR with a positive attitude. And I appreciate the reminder that things are not going to get better if I drink again, no matter how miserable I think I am sober.

Take care, man.
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Old 04-05-2008, 06:14 PM
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NM,

I'm really glad you're back and you can do this!

You learned something important and that is that sobriety is always the priority. I need to keep a balance in my life, that's really important for me. I have to work at recovery - physically, mentally and spiritually every day.

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Old 04-05-2008, 06:15 PM
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NM
The person you are right now, no matter how troubled, is in a better place than if you pick up the bottle. I'm miserable
NM, know it or not, thats some great 12th step wisdom!

good wishes NM

rz
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Old 04-05-2008, 06:21 PM
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Hi Neg. Man,

Idiot...naw I don't think so. An idiot would be someone not bothered by wrong choices and destructive behavior. You're seeking sobriety, that doesn't make you an idiot, it makes you an alcoholic. (hope you don't mind that assumption on my part)

If staying sober was easy people wouldn't be on this forum sharing their pain and experience. I wouldn't go to the meetings I go to, or come home and log on to SR and read the posts every evening (now my favorite site to visit BTW) or call my sponsor and sober friends just to talk, or offer my phone # and experience to newcomers....because I'm a busy person and .....you get the idea.

The good vibe I pray you'll feel is that you are a child of God. I have no idea what God is but I'm absolutely certain we are all part of Him, or It, or Whatever.

I've changed my perception of this world and my place in it. From the 9th step promises, "we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us", has a personal meaning for me.

I used to think that intuitive meant I would just act without thinking, sobriety...for one...would come so easy I would just get it. I don't believe that any longer. Intuitive suggests seeking the counsel of my inner voice. The voice that quietly whispers over the shouts of my ego. My ego says drink...my inner voice says don't. My ego screams "that SOB just cut me off in traffic", my inner voice says let go, it's no big deal, that person is a child of God too and their stuck in this dog eat dog world just like me, it's not an attack on me.

It's really an endless battle between my will and God's will. For me, that inner voice is the voice of God and It knows my struggles as I experience them. I've found that if I calm my ego long enough to listen to that inner voice I make alot less mistakes. Not perfect but a whole lot better than I was in the past. I have an understanding with the God of my understanding...if I do the right thing I feel better, if I do the wrong thing I feel worse.

When the ego screams out for a drink, listen below the noise to your inner voice. Follow that direction and reach out for help. When you reach out you're being a help to someone as well. NOBODY IS ALONE IN THIS WORLD, WE JUST LIKE TO PRETEND WE ARE

God's Peace Nman...
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Old 04-05-2008, 07:15 PM
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Just start over. And just don't drink today.:ghug3
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Old 04-05-2008, 07:21 PM
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Hi NM,

At my meeting today, many of the shares were about uncontrollable urges & loss. People, humans like you & me, shared about 10 day benders, 4 month benders, 1 year plus benders. Hospital stays, suicide attempts. Losing homes, jobs, children, their minds. Just can't stop drinking. Living on the streets, living in the bush. Truly living one hour at a time, unable to be alone or they would drink.

In my case, I have experienced "uncontrollable" urges, been on three day benders but have lost relatively nothing that I couldn't get back or be forgiven for. Really, I have lost f*** all. But I am an alcoholic. I know what my future looks like if I buy into the idea that I can keep drinking.

There was also a huge message of hope at my meeting today. People with months, years, decades sober. Nobody giving up. Everyone supporting each other.

This is not meant to be a scare tactic or "tough love". This is the reality of alcoholism and an example of why meetings are a critical part of my recovery. I need to know these people, to be a part of them because I am an alcoholic just like them.

We are both relatively young men. In my case, I have gone through some periods of extreme mental despair but I have not, thank God, seen first hand how bad my alcoholism can get, will get if I let my guard down.

You have had some excellent periods of sobriety & I think you know how great a sober life can be. Get to your meetings & work your program. Help others. You have already proven that you got it in you to do this. Never give up. D
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Old 04-05-2008, 07:29 PM
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Hi NM,

I've been there, and you have always supported me. I'm just sorry you didn't reach out in time I'll be sending prayers, good vibes and best wishes your way. You can get through this and tick this as a lesson learned. Don't be hard on yourself please; your advice, support and positivity really make a difference here. Don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.



Matt - by your side
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Old 04-05-2008, 07:38 PM
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Hey NM

Peace to ya man. You still rock with me.

As long as you are here, you are in some way on track.

I've been traveling. As I've been traveling, I've been reading. On airplanes, in motels. I've been reading psychiatric literature relating to relapse. I've been reading stuff relating to the first step.

The first step should be the "easy one." Usually we come into abstinence and recovery beat to crap and it is all to easy to submit. "I'm beat, I give up, I'll do anything."

But I've learned that submission to alcohol virtually insures that we will return to it at some point. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? It did to me. But, after reading some stuff so complex I'm dizzy, I now (to a degree) understand. Submission is different from SURRENDER. Compliance (to a program) is different than SURRENDER.

A boxer will submit. A football team, down 30 with a minute left, submits. But submission is temporary. There is next bout, next game, next year. I may be powerless today, but just wait. I'll train, I'll learn, I'll beat my weakness and prevail once again.

Surrender frees the individual from the dragon forever. There is no next time. No twisted thinking. No voice that can cause one to engage. Again these processes are very complex.

Over the past month I have read literally dozens of relapse posts here. From incredibly strong, wonderful people. Many have the whole world to lose. But they relapse. They risk everything. And lose.

NM, yours and everyone else's posts read like they are written by the same person! Seriously. I challenge you to find one that is unique.

They all begin with a courageous person. After all courage is the price of admission here. The cowards are in bars and under bridges. A prideful person, who spills his/her guts, usually convincing us all that they are wonderful people of inner character. Like you.

Then comes the days, weeks, even months of still more courage. Detox, withdrawal, times of sheer gutting it out. Then come voices. Inner conversation. Why? Only the people who have a battle left to fight do fight. And the courageous obviously feel that they can win.

Only by sheer surrender can we avoid relapse. I am now convinced of that. There is no conversation. There is no battle to prepare for. I simply know that I will lose. Every f'ing time. The outcome of battle is never in question. I lose. I have met the enemy and he is me.

A million meetings won't matter. Treatment won't matter. Environment doesn't matter. A person who merely submits still believes so strongly in his/her personal power that he/she will risk career, spouse, children-there is nothing they won't risk. Somehow we will come through at the buzzer and save the day.

Horsepucky. Only surrender gives us the protection we need. Only the knowledge that we face certain death gives us the courage to avoid the fight. No fight, no loss.

Every relapse story hurts. Some of these folks (like you) are like family. It hurts. Other people simply disappear. They apparently even lose their courage. But every relapse story reinforces my sense of powerlessness. Logic tells me that I am not the most powerful person here. Or the most courageous. Yet here I am with seven weeks. Why? Only because I have refused to engage the dragon. Not that he hasn't called. Oh man, he follows me everywhere. Jumps out of the bushes. Inhabits my dreams. He's in the shower. Interrupts my lovemaking. But he ain't very happy these days. Warren won't come out to play. I'm tired of getting my ass kicked.

I realize for the first time that fighting the dragon would be about as productive as Iceland launching a ground invasion of The United States. There might be some courageous battles, but the outcome is forgone. Sure Osama attacked, but is living out his days in a cave.

I am only bulletproof as long as I stay the hell away from gunfights. I will not engage. I will not battle with my thoughts. I've yet to read a relapse story that spoke of how good that wine, beer, or single malt tasted. That it was great to just visit but here I am back home again. Every story is of one who has been eviscerated. Been demoralized. Vanquished and ashamed. People are so confused they apologize to the wrong person. It is easy and unproductive to apologize to people you owe nothing to.

I just "Googled" "alcoholism surrender." 128,000 results. Might be something to it, eh? Might want to check it out, NM. I will be. Alcoholism is the first thing I've surrendered to in my 60 years, so I have a lot to learn. And I know I'll be tested every day.

Peace to you, NM. The worst thing by far about relapse would be not learning from it. It can make you a better person. I truly believe that a recovered alcoholic is a far more knowledgeable and effective person than one who has never touched a drink.

warren
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Old 04-05-2008, 08:10 PM
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Advice?

What Step were you on?

The AA Steps were my key to
a solid successful recovery.

This can be true for you too
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Old 04-05-2008, 09:11 PM
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Hey, NM, Hold my hand and let's jump back on the wagon together, ok? I really need a hand...will you give one?
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:05 AM
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NM -

I'm glad you're back. It took me doing a little more "research" until I finally "got it".

You've reminded me that if I ever pick up again, it's a one-way trip to disaster, so thank you!

The fact that you're here, and starting over is great! You know what to do, so pick yourself up, get back to meetings and come here as often as you can, because we care.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-06-2008, 08:19 AM
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In my prayers NM, you can battle back.
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Old 04-06-2008, 09:28 AM
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You can do this NM. Thanks for letting us know what's going on. I admire your courage and I'll send good vibes and prayers your way.
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Old 04-06-2008, 02:34 PM
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I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. Today is Day One. Sober and going to meetings. I'm going to keep trying.
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Old 04-06-2008, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Negative Man View Post
I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. Today is Day One. Sober and going to meetings. I'm going to keep trying.
Glad to here it NM.

Hugs,
Suzette
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Old 04-06-2008, 02:52 PM
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Thumbs up

Welcome back NM.
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