Carried Home by my Higher Power
Last night, I realized something that to me was really amazing.
Yesterday, I had an out of town work assignment. The meeting was in an office tower right in my old stomping grounds and on a Friday afternoon. I was presenting information at a meeting that was very important to a client. The meeting went very well. I was feeling great, confident, looking & feeling like a real professional. After the meeting, I was sitting in a coffee shop, having lunch before heading home, looking out the window right at a hotel I used to stay at during my three day binges.
The insane thinking started - "you feel good, time to let loose" ,"its been a stressful week, everyone will understand if you went out", “you always start drinking again sooner or later, why is this time any different?”, "just one night of freedom, you will be okay, nobody gets hurt", "all the cool bars & restaurants are right in front of you", you don't have to work tomorrow", "call your buddies & get a case of beer".
I can’t say that I was “white-knuckling” it. More like fiction trying to override the facts. I did make it home to my family & I went to an AA meeting last night, it was like I was being guided without really thinking about it.
It was nearing the end of the AA meeting when a thought came to me. How did I get from being in my old stomping grounds on a Friday afternoon fantasizing about drinking to an AA meeting in my home town surrounded by love & support? I could very easily have been 120 miles from home, sitting in a bar, blacked out. I shared this in my meeting and it hit a couple of people hard. Simple gratitude to be at an AA meeting, happy & sober, surrounded by caring people.
What really hit me later in the evening was that this “how did I get to an AA meeting?” feeling was the exact opposite of coming to after a three day bender and asking myself “how did I get back to this Hell yet again?” – the damage, the sickness, the self-hatred. The only answer I could come up with was that yesterday, my Creator carried me home. This is the difference between following the Creator’s path & living on self-will.
Part of my prayers yesterday morning, every morning – please carry me if I am overwhelmed. I was just so grateful to go to bed last night sober and to wake up this morning to the sounds of my kids playing. D