Hi Friends!
Day 20 (already!) for me today!
I just thought I may as well bring you up to date with my situation.
So, let me sumarize how the past few weeks have been:
I slipped 3 weeks ago. Then I had terrible withdrawl symptoms for the following week or so. I was in panic 24/7. It was horrible. Never again. The thing is I'd only been taking Xanax for 4 or 5 days before I slipped off the alcohol wagon too. I didn't think I could possibly have gotten addicted again in such a short period of time. That's a real bad drug. Satan himself in pill form.
I'm still gambling as if there were no tomorrow - I
must stop this! - and as a result I have debts up to my neck (not gambling debts. Just bills I've "forgotten" to pay)
I still havn't found a job. But maybe my Dad's trying to sort me out in another country. I live in a beautiful area in the mountains, but I hate it here. I hate the people. I live in a very small village of about 5000 souls - and with no car I can't even escape! They have a really weird mentality here and I assume they all know I'm crazy, so it's not easy for me to have any meaningful connections with other people here. So I don't mind going to work and live in another country. I'm not qualified for much but the only real jobs I've ever had have been kitchen jobs, so I guess that's what I want to do - anything just to get away from here really. If I go to live somewhere where people don't know of my drunk and intoxicated shenanigans maybe I'll make some friends, maybe even meet some nice women.
Last night I meet my ex-girlfriend, by chance. I was just in a bar with my 2 best (only?) friends and she was their with her friends. We'd been together for 4 years. That was the longest relationship I've ever had with a woman. I hadn't seen her for 8 months, although we sometimes talk on the phone. I didn't know what to say to her. There were lots of people there and I just felt uncomfortable. I just asked her how she was and that was it basically. I never see her about and when I did and had the chance to maybe say something a bit more meaningful I messed it all up. It hurt so bad to see her talking with other guys. Had I of been drunk last night no doubt I would have caused a disaster.
Which leads me onto my next issue. I have realized I'm not normal, and I've quit trying to pretend to be normal - everybody knows I'm a crazy insane alcoholic/addict/gambeller. But the thing is without any mind alterating substances I have absolutly no idea whatsoever about how to socialize. I've been relying so much on alcohol and medications since i was about 15 to socialize that I just don't know how to act or what to say when i'm around people in a social situation. I hate being in those situations. I feel so weird. I don't know if I'll ever be able to learn how to socialize somewhat "normally". My old idea of socializing was getting drunk with somebody - anybody actually. I very shy and introverted when I'm sober, but when I drink I belive I become the friendliset person in the world. I talk to everybody and buy everybody drinks and I actually make friends, except the day after I can't remember who my new friends are! Like this (sober) I never meet any new women; I never make any new friends. I just don't know how to.
My social life is so easy when I drink. I'm a good drunk (unless somebody tried to stop me from drinking. Then I become a violent drunk). I've rarly been kicked out of a bar when I've been inhebriated. Neither have I ever had a fight or even an argument when I've been drunk. The thing is I can't drink anymore because I do crazy self-destructive and dangerous things when I'm drunk. I'd like to drink but I know I can't.
What am I supposed to do!?