introduction & my story
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
introduction & my story
Hi Friends! As this is my first post I'd better introduce myself: So hello, my name's Aldous, male, 26 years old, and I am defiantly an alcoholic.
I don't know if this is the correct area in which to post, but I'd like to share the short version of story of my rollercoaster ride with you. I could tell the full version but the details are irrelevant. I’m sure not many of us are not strangers to the effects of alcohol, and the crazy things one ends up doing under the influence!
I started drinking - and by drinking I don't mean just a glass or two at meals - about 12 years ago, when I was about 15. in fact, to be honest, I had my first drinking session when I was about 13, but after that for a few years the opportunity to drink didn't arise again. After my first experimentations I believed I'd never felt better.
I'm a shy and reserved person by nature, but when I drink I become very talkative and I think I become friendly too, but no doubt others would probably disagree with the latter statement.
I continued drinking until I was 20. I don't think a single day passed that I wasn't intoxicated.
By then I knew I had a problem. I was getting drunk 3 times a day; I was loosing massive amounts of money gambling; and I lost my few friends too. The only people who'd hang around me were either the vampires I'd play cards with or my drinking "buddies", who were most likely just hanging around waiting for free drinks or a free meal.
I then stopped for 6 and half years
. They were very good years. I made new friends. I started studying again for a while (I didn't succeed). I bought my dream car. I got a serious girlfriend. I learnt to play guitar. I lost allot of weight. I rented an apartment and went to live alone. I'd even stopped smoking. All summed up I was happy and satisfied with life.
A few years ago I befriended a pharmacist in order to get more benzodiazipines, which I'd originally been prescribed for my anxiety. Needless to say I soon become addicted to them and within no time I was on about 15 to 20 times the prescribed dose. I don't in any way favour medication abuse, but I have to say it was ok for a while. Until I became like a zombie.
7 months ago I broke up with my girl friend, after a few years we'd been together. I was very upset. Soon I resumed drinking again and subsequently I went on a major benzo+alcohol binge for a few months.
Looking back it's been grotesquely amazing what I managed to destroy such a relatively short period of time: I lost all my friends; I totalled my car; I spent all my money; I inflicted deliberate physical harm upon myself; I ended up in the E.R. room (or whatever it's called nowadays) two times within 3 months; I started smoking again; I threw a few guitars (I'm kind of into Rock. the guitar thing was something I figured somebody like Ozzy might do so I somehow thought it would be kool, even at the expense of destroying a guitar I couldn't afford to replace) and various objects out my window; I wasted an enormous amount of money; one night I even O.D. on benzos as I'd been taking them with alcohol. The list goes on, but I wouldn't want to bore you.
In the meantime, I somehow managed to quit my benzo addiction. I saw a shrink for a few sessions too. and in the relatively rare hours when I was sober I even made a connection with God (as I understand him in my own way).
At one point things even looked like they were going to get better: I got a job in another country so I wouldn't have to associate with my old friends and hang out in my drinking haunts. Although I must admit I quit that job after just 3 weeks and came home.
I then didn't drink for a further 2 weeks or so (total approx 5 weeks) but it continued to be ok for a while. I got a new girlfriend, but it quickly didn't work out. However she's a good supportive friend to me now, even though on a few occasions I'd called her at like 4am yelling at her and telling her obscenities.
Eventually my old girlfriend came back. We hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months, but we used to talk almost every day. When she came back it felt as if we'd never been apart (intended in a positive way that is). Nevertheless she only hung around for a few days before packing her bags again. However let me say that for the few days during which we had our reprise I kept sober. I didn't want to drink at all. In fact we were even trying to quit smoking together.
I sincerely believe it wasn't because of the alcohol that she left again, I’d always kept my word to her that for any duration of time that our relationship was going I’d not have had a drop (In fact I have to give her the credit she deserves, as many a times while our relationship was on I’d been on the edge but she’d always somehow managed to convince me to hang on). She went back to her other guy. The bloke she'd left me for and then in turn left him again to return to me, only to ultimately return to him yet again. Maybe it's because he has a regular steddy job. I haven’t seen or even heard from her since and I don’t know how to contact her.
It was only a matter of hours after she'd disappeared through the door, baggage in hand, before I ended up in one of my drinking joints. For the next month I was in a perpetual state of alcohol influenced oblivion, until 3 nights ago.
I'd had a bad day. I'd realized I was at rock bottom: no friends; no job; no nice car; no money. so I took to the bottle - for the last time. That night after having crashed my old jalopy car into a wall and having returned home in one piece, to continue drinking, I eventually ended up in the E.R. room, yet again. I'd had a fall (had I have fallen 2 feet before I would have almost certainly broke my neck!) and had broken a finger. it hurt so bad I seem to remember sobering up very quickly, even though the order of events of that night still aren't too clear, there are many fragments all mixed up. However I take it that the doctors and nurses don't sympathise with drunks. They certainly weren't very nice to me.
I woke up the following morning somehow realizing that things were way out of control. Not that I hadn't noticed before, of course!
In fact many times during the past 6 or 7 months I'd tried to not drink. I'd even been emailed a link to this forum among others, from a friend. I didn't really even take a proper look at it, let alone sign up.
After 6 and a half years of being on the wagon I thought maybe I could just drink "socially", like the vast majority of people do. Plus I guess that as I didn't think I was causing anybody any harm it would be ok to do so, which needless to say was a big denial of the problem.
Today, after just having a "final warning" from my landlord that the next time one of my neighbours complains about the broken empty bottels or guitars in the compound beneath my windows or if anybody complains of any disturbances I'll be kicked out, zero tollerance this time. She's a nice lady, never had I seen her as mad as she was today. I felt so bad. I didn't even have any memories of throwing any bottels out my window the other night. No do I recall having made a racket because of the pain from my busted finger.
So I thought it was time to check out this forum.
And so here I am now: no friends (I live in a tiny town, where by now everybody knows what antics I get up to, and where even at the best of times it's near impossible to make meaningful friendships no matter how hard you try); no money; absolutely no car; no girl; no job; yet again a ruined reputation; and a broken finger.
Today will be my 3rd sober day (I have to admit that after having been used to telling people "I don't drink at all. it's been 6 and a half years now" saying "I'm on day 3" doesn't feel like a big deal) There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.
This time I know it won't work alone, so I hope that possibly with your help and support we can get me fixed.
I don't know if this is the correct area in which to post, but I'd like to share the short version of story of my rollercoaster ride with you. I could tell the full version but the details are irrelevant. I’m sure not many of us are not strangers to the effects of alcohol, and the crazy things one ends up doing under the influence!
I started drinking - and by drinking I don't mean just a glass or two at meals - about 12 years ago, when I was about 15. in fact, to be honest, I had my first drinking session when I was about 13, but after that for a few years the opportunity to drink didn't arise again. After my first experimentations I believed I'd never felt better.
I'm a shy and reserved person by nature, but when I drink I become very talkative and I think I become friendly too, but no doubt others would probably disagree with the latter statement.
I continued drinking until I was 20. I don't think a single day passed that I wasn't intoxicated.
By then I knew I had a problem. I was getting drunk 3 times a day; I was loosing massive amounts of money gambling; and I lost my few friends too. The only people who'd hang around me were either the vampires I'd play cards with or my drinking "buddies", who were most likely just hanging around waiting for free drinks or a free meal.
I then stopped for 6 and half years
. They were very good years. I made new friends. I started studying again for a while (I didn't succeed). I bought my dream car. I got a serious girlfriend. I learnt to play guitar. I lost allot of weight. I rented an apartment and went to live alone. I'd even stopped smoking. All summed up I was happy and satisfied with life.A few years ago I befriended a pharmacist in order to get more benzodiazipines, which I'd originally been prescribed for my anxiety. Needless to say I soon become addicted to them and within no time I was on about 15 to 20 times the prescribed dose. I don't in any way favour medication abuse, but I have to say it was ok for a while. Until I became like a zombie.
7 months ago I broke up with my girl friend, after a few years we'd been together. I was very upset. Soon I resumed drinking again and subsequently I went on a major benzo+alcohol binge for a few months.
Looking back it's been grotesquely amazing what I managed to destroy such a relatively short period of time: I lost all my friends; I totalled my car; I spent all my money; I inflicted deliberate physical harm upon myself; I ended up in the E.R. room (or whatever it's called nowadays) two times within 3 months; I started smoking again; I threw a few guitars (I'm kind of into Rock. the guitar thing was something I figured somebody like Ozzy might do so I somehow thought it would be kool, even at the expense of destroying a guitar I couldn't afford to replace) and various objects out my window; I wasted an enormous amount of money; one night I even O.D. on benzos as I'd been taking them with alcohol. The list goes on, but I wouldn't want to bore you.
In the meantime, I somehow managed to quit my benzo addiction. I saw a shrink for a few sessions too. and in the relatively rare hours when I was sober I even made a connection with God (as I understand him in my own way).
At one point things even looked like they were going to get better: I got a job in another country so I wouldn't have to associate with my old friends and hang out in my drinking haunts. Although I must admit I quit that job after just 3 weeks and came home.
I then didn't drink for a further 2 weeks or so (total approx 5 weeks) but it continued to be ok for a while. I got a new girlfriend, but it quickly didn't work out. However she's a good supportive friend to me now, even though on a few occasions I'd called her at like 4am yelling at her and telling her obscenities.
Eventually my old girlfriend came back. We hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months, but we used to talk almost every day. When she came back it felt as if we'd never been apart (intended in a positive way that is). Nevertheless she only hung around for a few days before packing her bags again. However let me say that for the few days during which we had our reprise I kept sober. I didn't want to drink at all. In fact we were even trying to quit smoking together.
I sincerely believe it wasn't because of the alcohol that she left again, I’d always kept my word to her that for any duration of time that our relationship was going I’d not have had a drop (In fact I have to give her the credit she deserves, as many a times while our relationship was on I’d been on the edge but she’d always somehow managed to convince me to hang on). She went back to her other guy. The bloke she'd left me for and then in turn left him again to return to me, only to ultimately return to him yet again. Maybe it's because he has a regular steddy job. I haven’t seen or even heard from her since and I don’t know how to contact her.
It was only a matter of hours after she'd disappeared through the door, baggage in hand, before I ended up in one of my drinking joints. For the next month I was in a perpetual state of alcohol influenced oblivion, until 3 nights ago.
I'd had a bad day. I'd realized I was at rock bottom: no friends; no job; no nice car; no money. so I took to the bottle - for the last time. That night after having crashed my old jalopy car into a wall and having returned home in one piece, to continue drinking, I eventually ended up in the E.R. room, yet again. I'd had a fall (had I have fallen 2 feet before I would have almost certainly broke my neck!) and had broken a finger. it hurt so bad I seem to remember sobering up very quickly, even though the order of events of that night still aren't too clear, there are many fragments all mixed up. However I take it that the doctors and nurses don't sympathise with drunks. They certainly weren't very nice to me.
I woke up the following morning somehow realizing that things were way out of control. Not that I hadn't noticed before, of course!
In fact many times during the past 6 or 7 months I'd tried to not drink. I'd even been emailed a link to this forum among others, from a friend. I didn't really even take a proper look at it, let alone sign up.
After 6 and a half years of being on the wagon I thought maybe I could just drink "socially", like the vast majority of people do. Plus I guess that as I didn't think I was causing anybody any harm it would be ok to do so, which needless to say was a big denial of the problem.
Today, after just having a "final warning" from my landlord that the next time one of my neighbours complains about the broken empty bottels or guitars in the compound beneath my windows or if anybody complains of any disturbances I'll be kicked out, zero tollerance this time. She's a nice lady, never had I seen her as mad as she was today. I felt so bad. I didn't even have any memories of throwing any bottels out my window the other night. No do I recall having made a racket because of the pain from my busted finger.
So I thought it was time to check out this forum.
And so here I am now: no friends (I live in a tiny town, where by now everybody knows what antics I get up to, and where even at the best of times it's near impossible to make meaningful friendships no matter how hard you try); no money; absolutely no car; no girl; no job; yet again a ruined reputation; and a broken finger.
Today will be my 3rd sober day (I have to admit that after having been used to telling people "I don't drink at all. it's been 6 and a half years now" saying "I'm on day 3" doesn't feel like a big deal) There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.
This time I know it won't work alone, so I hope that possibly with your help and support we can get me fixed.
Last edited by Captain Kirk; 09-26-2007 at 10:00 AM.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by aldo1980 
There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.
If there were no bars or stores near you and you wanted a drink....what would you do?
You would find a way to get cross town. We can do the same to locate meetings as well. AA and NA meetings are a great source of support. We can gather the tools and experiences of others to help us stay sober at such meetings.
Continue trying it alone but why work hard when we can work smart? With the support and input from others, it is easier to get the job done.
You are making a good choice. You can do it. A sober way of life I have found to be a great way of life. Good choice on your part.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Thank you for the advice BEST, it's greatly appriciated.
However it's not a question of getting across town, it's more like a 2 hour round trip. And to be honest even if I had a car up to the journey I can't really afford the fuel at the moment while I don't have a job or anything.
However it's not a question of getting across town, it's more like a 2 hour round trip. And to be honest even if I had a car up to the journey I can't really afford the fuel at the moment while I don't have a job or anything.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I understand the fuel issue well. What we tend to do as alcoholics is make up excuses and put off doing what we should from time to time. Excuses are alcohols way of holding onto us. Think on that every time an excuse comes to mind and take control of the situation by saying no. One day at a time we say no. One moment at a time if need be we say no. Just for today I will not drink. Tomorrow I will deal with when tomorrow gets here. When tomorrow gets here I hope to be saying...just for today I will not drink.
You may or maynot get back that girlfriend but you will be able to gain back things that you enjoy. Maybe a new car one day. Maybe a different and even nicer girlfriend.
I have found that by not drinking I have much more options available to me and when I wake up in the mornings...no hangover and I remember how much fun I had the day before.. Yes a sober life I am finding is good.
You may or maynot get back that girlfriend but you will be able to gain back things that you enjoy. Maybe a new car one day. Maybe a different and even nicer girlfriend.
I have found that by not drinking I have much more options available to me and when I wake up in the mornings...no hangover and I remember how much fun I had the day before.. Yes a sober life I am finding is good.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Be excited & thankful Aldo!
Aldo, you are coming to this conclusion at a young age (though I know you feel old, you've been through so much already). If you care to read the other stuff I've posted - don't want to bore you by repeating it - you'll see I am decades older than you and wish with all my heart I could have had the sense you do. There is much humor and intelligence in your post, you obviously have so much going for you. If I had done as you're doing, I would not be without a driver's license, would not have ruined relationships with my family, would not have serious health issues, on and on it goes! My husband (& drinking buddy) died 2 years ago, never would admit it was killing him or get help. This does not have to be you! It will be hard and almost impossible at times, but you can do it, and posting on here is a great substitute for AA meetings, in my opinion. There was a discussion on here recently about whether or not we can get sober without AA, and it was a good one - many good points on both sides were brought up.
You never have to go through all the pain and tragedy that many of us older people have - you can stop this now, and you have a long life yet ahead of you to enjoy without that poison. You can turn it all around. (I've heard there are online AA meetings but never took part in one.) Sending love & hope out to you! P.S. I don't think you need that sort of a fair-weather girlfriend. You need stability.
You never have to go through all the pain and tragedy that many of us older people have - you can stop this now, and you have a long life yet ahead of you to enjoy without that poison. You can turn it all around. (I've heard there are online AA meetings but never took part in one.) Sending love & hope out to you! P.S. I don't think you need that sort of a fair-weather girlfriend. You need stability.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by merlotmamma
Hi Aldo,
I'm glad that you are here. First few weeks are rough, but you know that. Hang in there. You can do this!
Karen
I'm glad that you are here. First few weeks are rough, but you know that. Hang in there. You can do this!
Karen
I would have really liked a few wee drinks today, but being yelled at by my landlord made me think twice about that.
Now I'm not looking for an excuse, but I live in a really remote place where their's not much to do in terms of entertainment and it's very difficult to make friends (I'm not very good at doing that) and I'm unemployed and I get bored very easily (I like to claim I have A.D.D. but I don't really know for sure). So drinking for me was my hobby. It would get me out, allow me to "socialize". Isolation's dangerous.
Now, if I want to stay on the wagon, rather then go out for a coffee (what's that!) I prefer to stay alone at home, and only go out when it's really essential (groceries, bills to pay, etc ect) I drank allot of coffees during my 6 and half years and I did kinda get used to it. It wasn't bad, but I often had the feeling I was diffrent and people were asking themselves what I was doing going to the same places half dozen times a day for coffees. Not that I was paranoid about it, but kinda embaressed sometimes.
I don't really know what to do, or how to associate without the drink. I didn't usually drink everyday, it was more of a 3 to 5 times a week event. And sometimes I could go quite a few days without any drinks, and on the odd occasion even a few weeks if I really wanted.
When I did drink I didn't just have a few. For me it's always none or so many that I can't remember. Not that it was a choice I'd make but it's just the way it would go - even when I sometimes tried to set myself a limit (like 1 or 3 or 5) it would all go wrong.
Neither do I have any friends who I could ask around to watch a movie or eat a pizza with. I don't really even have any friends who I could call and say like "I'm having a bad day, can we talk". I'm kinda lonely
Thank God I found this site.
Thanks to all of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by best
You may or maynot get back that girlfriend
She's already hurt my feelings a couple of times. I wouldn't want to risk on her again.
The thing is she was my best friend too, so I really miss her.
But no doubt there are other things to look forward too, and as far as girls go maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to meet an even nicer person who might not hurt my feelings.
Thanks to all of you. You're all really great people!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Aldo
Some reading that may help you find some answers...
Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.
Some reading that may help you find some answers...
Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by best
Look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum. You may find a few helpful answers among them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 82
Welcome to SR!!! It's a great place and has been a tremendous help to me in my (still early) days of sobriety. I personally could not have done it without full participation in AA. I believe they have meetings on-line if you can't physically get to one. Anyway....keep posting and congrats on your 3 days!!!!!!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Good to see you here with us
Yes...there are many on line AA meetings
I used PalTalk and AAOnline
you can Google for more.
Keep in focus...you already know
how to live sober if you choose.
Yes...there are many on line AA meetings
I used PalTalk and AAOnline
you can Google for more.
Keep in focus...you already know
how to live sober if you choose.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Gisborne New Zealand
Posts: 539
Hi Aldous welcome to SR I couldnt manage to read all the posts ( have a active nearly two who competes for my attention but youve come to a great place here. You will get support and friendship here and advice. All I can suggest is keep reading and writing posts here and take one day as it comes. This is a cunning horrible disease and we all know what you are going through
Ang
Ang
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Aldo and Welcome to SR!
I am so happy you decided to check out this forum. I can tell you that, for me, in the very early days of my sobriety I practically lived at this site. It saved my life. I live in a very rural area and AA meetings are a half hour drive each way, and I was not strong enough to gather my courage and resources to go to meetings for about 2 months. Luckily, I came to SR, with coffee in hand, sat down and participaeted.
I learned (and continue to) so much so directly by being able to read people's thoughts on various recovery related subjects. In a way, SR took me deeper into the exploration of subjects that I may not have been able to just by attending face to face meetings.
But, having said that, after the first couple of months, I KNEW I needed to get out and see real live people and get out of my isolation.
Now its been nearly 2 years, and I still do both: SR and 6 meetings per week.
Oh, and about that hour drive: I just do it.
Good luck! You deserve the best!
I am so happy you decided to check out this forum. I can tell you that, for me, in the very early days of my sobriety I practically lived at this site. It saved my life. I live in a very rural area and AA meetings are a half hour drive each way, and I was not strong enough to gather my courage and resources to go to meetings for about 2 months. Luckily, I came to SR, with coffee in hand, sat down and participaeted.
I learned (and continue to) so much so directly by being able to read people's thoughts on various recovery related subjects. In a way, SR took me deeper into the exploration of subjects that I may not have been able to just by attending face to face meetings.
But, having said that, after the first couple of months, I KNEW I needed to get out and see real live people and get out of my isolation.
Now its been nearly 2 years, and I still do both: SR and 6 meetings per week.
Oh, and about that hour drive: I just do it.
Good luck! You deserve the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi friends!
Today's my 5th day on the wagon. I can't really complain and say I'm doing too bad, except that I'm feeling a bit miserable today.
I'm down to the very last $50 I have to my name. I can't find a job. And I've got a bit of debits (not really much, about $1500, but it still worries me. Especially because they're debits that really need paying. Eg: rent; gas; electricity; phone; internet subscription) that I'd like to pay but really can't until I get a job.
I'm also a bit upset because I haven't been going out much during the past few days. I've only been going out for like half hour every day just to buy ciggys and to see if any acquaintances I know are hanging around. To be honest I'm a bit worried about what my neighbours must be thinking of how I'm living in isolation.
As the weekend's rapidly approaching I do kinda want to go out and be around people (not drunks though) but I live in a really remote place, where there isn't much to do/anywhere to go. The people are really mean too. I've never seen such pityless, unfriendly, ungracious people as the people in this town. You can't rely (sp? relie??) on anybody in this town. I hate it here sometimes, but I've nowhere else to go so I've really got to make the most of it.
I often feel, especially at weekends, that everybody is out and about having fun and meeting pretty girls when I've got nowhere to go or nothing to do.
I've been thinking more then I usually do and objectively I don't really know if there's a solution to my problems, until I find a job of course. But for sure drinking will not help! I hope I'll make it through the weekend.
Today's my 5th day on the wagon. I can't really complain and say I'm doing too bad, except that I'm feeling a bit miserable today.
I'm down to the very last $50 I have to my name. I can't find a job. And I've got a bit of debits (not really much, about $1500, but it still worries me. Especially because they're debits that really need paying. Eg: rent; gas; electricity; phone; internet subscription) that I'd like to pay but really can't until I get a job.
I'm also a bit upset because I haven't been going out much during the past few days. I've only been going out for like half hour every day just to buy ciggys and to see if any acquaintances I know are hanging around. To be honest I'm a bit worried about what my neighbours must be thinking of how I'm living in isolation.
As the weekend's rapidly approaching I do kinda want to go out and be around people (not drunks though) but I live in a really remote place, where there isn't much to do/anywhere to go. The people are really mean too. I've never seen such pityless, unfriendly, ungracious people as the people in this town. You can't rely (sp? relie??) on anybody in this town. I hate it here sometimes, but I've nowhere else to go so I've really got to make the most of it.
I often feel, especially at weekends, that everybody is out and about having fun and meeting pretty girls when I've got nowhere to go or nothing to do.
I've been thinking more then I usually do and objectively I don't really know if there's a solution to my problems, until I find a job of course. But for sure drinking will not help! I hope I'll make it through the weekend.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Aldo I noticed the book you are presently reading, you say you are alone? Grab the phone book, look up your local AA and give them a ring.
As long as there is AA & SR you never have to be alone again.
As long as there is AA & SR you never have to be alone again.
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