Hi Friends! As this is my first post I'd better introduce myself: So hello, my name's Aldous, male, 26 years old, and I am defiantly an alcoholic.
I don't know if this is the correct area in which to post, but I'd like to share the short version of story of my rollercoaster ride with you. I could tell the full version but the details are irrelevant. I’m sure not many of us are not strangers to the effects of alcohol, and the crazy things one ends up doing under the influence!
I started drinking - and by drinking I don't mean just a glass or two at meals - about 12 years ago, when I was about 15. in fact, to be honest, I had my first drinking session when I was about 13, but after that for a few years the opportunity to drink didn't arise again. After my first experimentations I believed
I'd never felt better.
I'm a shy and reserved person by nature, but when I drink I become very talkative and I think I become friendly too, but no doubt others would probably disagree with the latter statement.
I continued drinking until I was 20. I don't think a single day passed that I wasn't intoxicated.
By then I knew I had a problem. I was getting drunk 3 times a day; I was loosing massive amounts of money gambling; and I lost my few friends too. The only people who'd hang around me were either the vampires I'd play cards with or my drinking "buddies", who were most likely just hanging around waiting for free drinks or a free meal.
I then stopped for 6 and half years
. They were very good years. I made new friends. I started studying again for a while (I didn't succeed). I bought my dream car. I got a serious girlfriend. I learnt to play guitar. I lost allot of weight. I rented an apartment and went to live alone. I'd even stopped smoking. All summed up I was happy and satisfied with life.
A few years ago I befriended a pharmacist in order to get more benzodiazipines, which I'd originally been prescribed for my anxiety. Needless to say I soon become addicted to them and within no time I was on about 15 to 20 times the prescribed dose. I don't in any way favour medication abuse, but I have to say it was ok for a while. Until I became like a zombie.
7 months ago I broke up with my girl friend, after a few years we'd been together. I was very upset. Soon I resumed drinking again and subsequently I went on a major benzo+alcohol binge for a few months.
Looking back it's been grotesquely amazing what I managed to destroy such a relatively short period of time: I lost all my friends; I totalled my car; I spent all
my money; I inflicted deliberate physical harm upon myself; I ended up in the E.R. room (or whatever it's called nowadays) two times within 3 months; I started smoking again; I threw a few guitars (I'm kind of into Rock. the guitar thing was something I figured somebody like Ozzy might do so I somehow thought it would be kool, even at the expense of destroying a guitar I couldn't afford to replace) and various objects out my window; I wasted an enormous amount of money; one night I even O.D. on benzos as I'd been taking them with alcohol. The list goes on, but I wouldn't want to bore you.
In the meantime, I somehow managed to quit my benzo addiction. I saw a shrink for a few sessions too. and in the relatively rare hours when I was sober I even made a connection with God (as I understand him in my own way).
At one point things even looked like they were going to get better: I got a job in another country so I wouldn't have to associate with my old friends and hang out in my drinking haunts. Although I must admit I quit that job after just 3 weeks and came home.
I then didn't drink for a further 2 weeks or so (total approx 5 weeks) but it continued to be ok for a while. I got a new girlfriend, but it quickly didn't work out. However she's a good supportive friend to me now, even though on a few occasions I'd called her at like 4am yelling at her and telling her obscenities.
Eventually my old girlfriend came back. We hadn't seen each other in almost 6 months, but we used to talk almost every day. When she came back it felt as if we'd never been apart (intended in a positive way that is). Nevertheless she only hung around for a few days before packing her bags again. However let me say that for the few days during which we had our reprise I kept sober. I didn't want to drink at all. In fact we were even trying to quit smoking together.
I sincerely believe it wasn't because of the alcohol that she left again, I’d always kept my word to her that for any duration of time that our relationship was going I’d not have had a drop (In fact I have to give her the credit she deserves, as many a times while our relationship was on I’d been on the edge but she’d always somehow managed to convince me to hang on). She went back to her other guy. The bloke she'd left me for and then in turn left him again to return to me, only to ultimately return to him yet again. Maybe it's because he has a regular steddy job. I haven’t seen or even heard from her since and I don’t know how to contact her.
It was only a matter of hours after she'd disappeared through the door, baggage in hand, before I ended up in one of my drinking joints. For the next month I was in a perpetual state of alcohol influenced oblivion, until 3 nights ago.
I'd had a bad day. I'd realized I was at rock bottom: no friends; no job; no nice car; no money. so I took to the bottle - for the last time. That night after having crashed my old jalopy car into a wall and having returned home in one piece, to continue drinking, I eventually ended up in the E.R. room, yet again. I'd had a fall (had I have fallen 2 feet before I would have almost certainly broke my neck!) and had broken a finger. it hurt so bad I seem to remember sobering up very quickly, even though the order of events of that night still aren't too clear, there are many fragments all mixed up. However I take it that the doctors and nurses don't sympathise with drunks. They certainly weren't very nice to me.
I woke up the following morning somehow realizing that things were way out of control. Not that I hadn't noticed before, of course!
In fact many times during the past 6 or 7 months I'd tried to not drink. I'd even been emailed a link to this forum among others, from a friend. I didn't really even take a proper look at it, let alone sign up.
After 6 and a half years of being on the wagon I thought maybe I could just drink "socially", like the vast majority of people do. Plus I guess that as I didn't think I was causing anybody any harm it would be ok to do so, which needless to say was a big denial of the problem.
Today, after just having a "final warning" from my landlord that the next time one of my neighbours complains about the broken empty bottels or guitars in the compound beneath my windows or if anybody complains of any
disturbances I'll be kicked out, zero tollerance
this time. She's a nice lady, never had I seen her as mad as she was today. I felt so bad. I didn't even have any memories of throwing any bottels out my window the other night. No do I recall having made a racket because of the pain from my busted finger. So I thought it was time to check out this forum.
And so here I am now: no friends (I live in a tiny town, where by now everybody knows what antics I get up to, and where even at the best of times it's near impossible to make meaningful friendships no matter how hard you try); no money; absolutely no car; no girl; no job; yet again a ruined reputation; and a broken finger.
Today will be my 3rd sober day (I have to admit that after having been used to telling people "I don't drink at all. it's been 6 and a half years now" saying "I'm on day 3" doesn't feel like a big deal) There aren't any Al-Anon/Narc-Anon meetings held anywhere near me, so I've always dealt with my problems alone.
This time I know it won't work alone, so I hope that possibly with your help and support we can get me fixed.