triciafawn

Nobody I know has experience with this, my friends and family can listen, but all they can do is sit there dumbfounded and don't know what to say, so I looked online for an advice site. I'm hoping that I can get some heartfelt advice here.

I've been dating this guy A, since November. I was attracted to him in many different ways. We are so alike in so many different ways. We didn't get on a serious level until the week of Valentines Day. (by the way, he is 43 and I am 40). He had been pretty much a workaholic when I met him plus he was seeing another girl. But in February he stopped dating her and we became exclusive. He has been honest with me from the beginning that he is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. But I guess he didn't tell me how serious his addictions were in the past. He hasn't touched drugs in 7 years, but he DOES drink. When I met him, he was having major stress issues at work, then took a leave of absence in January to try to get his head back on straight and ended up getting fired because he didn't go back to work. He began to drink all day long, and gave up on everything. This was even after we had begun to spend a lot of time together and had awesome times together as a couple! I couldn't understand why he was still drinking. I kept telling him he had no REASON to drink, that I believed in him and that this was just a rocky time for him and he'd get thru it. He never hid anything from me - I just kept thinking he was going to get better. His parents stepped in and were weighing down on him quite heavily. What he ended up doing was isolating everyone else from his life - but me. I became his total focus. He got up every day to drink - and to see me. I was the perfect girlfriend. I'd go to the store and pick up some things, then go to his house and cooked, every night. I'd never ever had a man in my life that communicated so much with me! We'd talk and talk and talk and talk. And we had so much fun together. He isn't a "drunk", but I guess I never saw him sober??? Fast forward a bit - he ran out of money and he started spending more and more time at my place - I guess I was totally accomodating him??? I had always fussed at him about the drinking, I couldn't understand why he couldn't just taper off, and drink less and less each day, to none at all??? It became a daily argument with us cuz I began to see that he had no motivation at all to get better and get out there and get a job again. His moods became extremely unstable - one minute he was up, one minute he was down. I started seeing him in a different light because I was stepping into the caregiver role, even tho he was trying to be the man of the house. Trust me, I wasn't cutting him any slack - and he knows it. Two weeks ago I gave him an "ultimatum". Either get better, get a job, or he could go back to his house (at that point, he wasnt wanting to go back home - he was content being at my place). So....he gets a job....but in two weeks he still hasn't started it??? Well, on Monday of this week, I gave him another ultimatum: if he didn't get up and go to work the next day, I was bringing him back to his house and he wouldn't see me again until he straightened himself out. I told him it was the last straw, that I would NO longer buy the alcohol for him, and that he would NO longer sit on my couch and sleep in my bed if he was still drinking. I had to leave to go to a work appointment and when I got back he was all dressed and everything, with his shoes on, and I asked him where he was going and he said Nowwhere. But a few minutes later the doorbell rang and it was one of his best friends, who incidentally happens to be a clinical psychologist former co-worker of his. I thought A was just going outside to talk to him, but he left...with no word to me, no goodbye. I kept waiting for some kind of a phone call. Nothing. The next afternoon I called his parents and found out that he checked himself into the hospital that previous nite. So then I called the friend of his, and he told me that yes, A had called him and asked him to come get him, and when he got to my house, A said to please take him to the hospital. From the hosp, he was transferred into a 72-hr medical detox facility - and that's where he is, now 48 hours later. And this is the point that I am at --------------------I don't know what to think or feel or do. After talking to his parents, I feel they see me as a total crutch to A. And, after calling another friend of A's that he's had since junior high, I also have been told that I've been a crutch. I've also found out some other things that I really don't want to know about his past hospital and recovery stays, and problems that occured.

It hurts me, deep down, to think that all I was was an Enabler. I refuse to think that! He and I shared SO much, spent hours and hours and hours together, I truly feel deep in my heart that I was not only there for HIM, he was also here for me too. he was the perfect boyfriend - except for what the drinking was doing to him. I can SEE the true him. Even tho I never saw him truly sober, is that possible???? I am not a naive person. I am not a gullible person. And I am not desparate for a relationship. I truly thought I'd met my match, and he said he'd met his. I refuse to believe that our whole relationship was based on co-dependency and enabling.

I don't know what is going to happen when he gets released from the hospital. His parents and everybody in his life SAYS that he MUST go into a recovery center. That the detox isn't gonna do what needs to be done. I don't know if I'm going to be the one he calls or not???? He has not put ANYONE on the list to contact or see him. He is shutting everyone out. So what will happen when he gets released? Will he call me, I have no clue. And what will I do?? I CANNOT let him live with me. That is not an option. And I HAVE decided that it is not even possible to be his girlfriend right now. However, I WILL be his friend. I just don't know where he's going to go....he can't be alone.

I need major help with this. I can't stop crying. After spending so much time with him, I'm going thru withdrawals myself. I miss him so much. But I know I have to get over that. Please help.:praying