don't know what to think or feel or do

Old 04-02-2008, 06:46 PM
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Unhappy don't know what to think or feel or do

Nobody I know has experience with this, my friends and family can listen, but all they can do is sit there dumbfounded and don't know what to say, so I looked online for an advice site. I'm hoping that I can get some heartfelt advice here.

I've been dating this guy A, since November. I was attracted to him in many different ways. We are so alike in so many different ways. We didn't get on a serious level until the week of Valentines Day. (by the way, he is 43 and I am 40). He had been pretty much a workaholic when I met him plus he was seeing another girl. But in February he stopped dating her and we became exclusive. He has been honest with me from the beginning that he is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. But I guess he didn't tell me how serious his addictions were in the past. He hasn't touched drugs in 7 years, but he DOES drink. When I met him, he was having major stress issues at work, then took a leave of absence in January to try to get his head back on straight and ended up getting fired because he didn't go back to work. He began to drink all day long, and gave up on everything. This was even after we had begun to spend a lot of time together and had awesome times together as a couple! I couldn't understand why he was still drinking. I kept telling him he had no REASON to drink, that I believed in him and that this was just a rocky time for him and he'd get thru it. He never hid anything from me - I just kept thinking he was going to get better. His parents stepped in and were weighing down on him quite heavily. What he ended up doing was isolating everyone else from his life - but me. I became his total focus. He got up every day to drink - and to see me. I was the perfect girlfriend. I'd go to the store and pick up some things, then go to his house and cooked, every night. I'd never ever had a man in my life that communicated so much with me! We'd talk and talk and talk and talk. And we had so much fun together. He isn't a "drunk", but I guess I never saw him sober??? Fast forward a bit - he ran out of money and he started spending more and more time at my place - I guess I was totally accomodating him??? I had always fussed at him about the drinking, I couldn't understand why he couldn't just taper off, and drink less and less each day, to none at all??? It became a daily argument with us cuz I began to see that he had no motivation at all to get better and get out there and get a job again. His moods became extremely unstable - one minute he was up, one minute he was down. I started seeing him in a different light because I was stepping into the caregiver role, even tho he was trying to be the man of the house. Trust me, I wasn't cutting him any slack - and he knows it. Two weeks ago I gave him an "ultimatum". Either get better, get a job, or he could go back to his house (at that point, he wasnt wanting to go back home - he was content being at my place). So....he gets a job....but in two weeks he still hasn't started it??? Well, on Monday of this week, I gave him another ultimatum: if he didn't get up and go to work the next day, I was bringing him back to his house and he wouldn't see me again until he straightened himself out. I told him it was the last straw, that I would NO longer buy the alcohol for him, and that he would NO longer sit on my couch and sleep in my bed if he was still drinking. I had to leave to go to a work appointment and when I got back he was all dressed and everything, with his shoes on, and I asked him where he was going and he said Nowwhere. But a few minutes later the doorbell rang and it was one of his best friends, who incidentally happens to be a clinical psychologist former co-worker of his. I thought A was just going outside to talk to him, but he left...with no word to me, no goodbye. I kept waiting for some kind of a phone call. Nothing. The next afternoon I called his parents and found out that he checked himself into the hospital that previous nite. So then I called the friend of his, and he told me that yes, A had called him and asked him to come get him, and when he got to my house, A said to please take him to the hospital. From the hosp, he was transferred into a 72-hr medical detox facility - and that's where he is, now 48 hours later. And this is the point that I am at --------------------I don't know what to think or feel or do. After talking to his parents, I feel they see me as a total crutch to A. And, after calling another friend of A's that he's had since junior high, I also have been told that I've been a crutch. I've also found out some other things that I really don't want to know about his past hospital and recovery stays, and problems that occured.

It hurts me, deep down, to think that all I was was an Enabler. I refuse to think that! He and I shared SO much, spent hours and hours and hours together, I truly feel deep in my heart that I was not only there for HIM, he was also here for me too. he was the perfect boyfriend - except for what the drinking was doing to him. I can SEE the true him. Even tho I never saw him truly sober, is that possible???? I am not a naive person. I am not a gullible person. And I am not desparate for a relationship. I truly thought I'd met my match, and he said he'd met his. I refuse to believe that our whole relationship was based on co-dependency and enabling.

I don't know what is going to happen when he gets released from the hospital. His parents and everybody in his life SAYS that he MUST go into a recovery center. That the detox isn't gonna do what needs to be done. I don't know if I'm going to be the one he calls or not???? He has not put ANYONE on the list to contact or see him. He is shutting everyone out. So what will happen when he gets released? Will he call me, I have no clue. And what will I do?? I CANNOT let him live with me. That is not an option. And I HAVE decided that it is not even possible to be his girlfriend right now. However, I WILL be his friend. I just don't know where he's going to go....he can't be alone.

I need major help with this. I can't stop crying. After spending so much time with him, I'm going thru withdrawals myself. I miss him so much. But I know I have to get over that. Please help.:praying
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Old 04-02-2008, 07:02 PM
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Welcome to SR

Your not alone. There are many here who understand and from some of what you say...maybe his family understands a little as well.
You are taking in a lot of info at this time. Some of it may be true and some not.
Don't be so hard on yourself. In what you have written, I see a lot of recovery tools have been used by you.

If you are wanting to help him, the best way I know how would be Al Anon meetings. At such meetings you will gather in more tools or refine the tools that you already have..boundaries and holding to them.

You did good. He is where he needs to be...seeking his own answers in a recovery setting.
You are not so much the enabler you may think you are. Be nice to yourself and know you are among friends here.
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Old 04-02-2008, 07:11 PM
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Triciafawn, I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. Others will be along soon. In the meantime you may want to check out the stickies at the top of the page and spend some time reading other threads. You'll find a lot of sad stories that are similar to yours. You know you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it either. Your boyfriend is a grown man making lots of decisions that are not in your best interest. Maybe you are on the verge of learning a lot about yourself as you work through this. I know I did. I learned a lot about myself as I worked through, (and am working through) my issues because of my involvement with an alcoholic.
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Old 04-02-2008, 07:21 PM
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Tricia,
I'm so glad you're seeing that you yourself are going through a form of withdrawal. So many of us (me included) take a long time to come to that realization.....that we are as addicted to them, and as in need of recovery, as they need their drug of choice.

I too was in a near-perfect relationship, in my eyes (then). We were tremendous friends, passionate lovers, travel companions, buddies. But I never saw my xabf sober either. Alcoholics are wonderful people to be around sometimes.....mine was funny, sweet, creative, drop-dead brilliant. But you cannot know what he is really like based on his behavior under the influence, and imho if you have never really spent a lot of time with him sober, you do NOT know what kind of man he really is yet.

So, for what it's worth, I think you are doing the right things. You have successfully set a boundary for yourself (which incidentally was a trigger that got him to finally get help) and that's great. You are also being self-protective, knowing that being with him right now is definitely not where you want to be.

Cut yourself some slack. Take a deep breath. You're doing just fine - you don't need to ask anyone else's opinion to know that you're doing the best you can for you (and you're the only one taking care of you right now....) Asking his family, friends, teachers, counselors what you should do differently for HIM doesn't help you to take good & tender care of yourself. Does it?

Focus on YOUR life: what do YOU want? Tomorrow, next week, next year? Can you focus on your own needs, wishes, goals, dreams, and let him focus on his own? Do you keep a journal? I found that was really helpful to me as I was making the transition to healthy detachment from my addicted loved ones.

Good luck, and hugs to you
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Old 04-02-2008, 07:31 PM
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Hi triciafawn,
Your hopes that he could stop and thinking that he could....are what so many of us feel when this happens. The good news is there is hope for recovery if he is willing.

I'm so glad you posted here...this place is for you.

Alanon helps me to realize my part in the disease. There is no blame or shame in trying my best to cope with the insanity of active or untreated addiction and/or alcoholism. I learned to do better by reading, going to therapy, coming here and going to Alanon.

I have a few family members with alcohol/drug problems but my primary reason for going to meetings and coming here...initially...was my son. He is clean and doing well...I still come here and work on my own recovery.

When things got so bad that I couldn't stand it, sometimes I would just try and nurture myself and do what was good for 'me' and taking my focus off the chaos. Some of that chaos I had allowed into my life by my own choice and some of it I just had to accept and detach from.

There are many people here in this forum who have learned to do that too. If you do some extra reading I am sure you will see how so many have the same story that you do...and are finding solutions that work for them.

Please take a look at the sticky threads, they are worth reading.
Once again....welcome to SR!

Last edited by cmc; 04-02-2008 at 07:57 PM.
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Old 04-02-2008, 11:06 PM
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Welcome.

Your heart is in the right place.

Al-anon meetings helped me understand the facts about alcoholism. Once I truly understood the facts, it was much easier to believe that I had not caused it, could not cure it and CERTAINLY could not control it. I also began to understand the role I have played in the disease throughout my life. I did not choose this role as a child, but I carried those lessons into adulthood and made choices that were based on being affected by the disease. I didn't ask to be affected by this disease so I am not to blame there -- but I am completely responsible for my own recovery and choices as an adult.

Sounds good? Like I know what I'm doing? HA! Don't be fooled -- I am humbled to how easily I screw up every day. The truth is, I rely on the 12 steps as a program for LIVING in a way that is entirely about me -- not the As in my life. I have learned tools that bring me sanity, serenity, self-respect and even joy. It takes a lot of work, a lot of rigorous honesty, a lot of willingness to face some tough stuff...BUT IT WORKS.

The best thing you can do for those you love is to turn the focus on YOU and learn about your motives and how to properly care for yourself.

It sounds kind of cheesey but it's true.

SR is a great resource. I hope you will keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings.
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Old 04-03-2008, 05:42 AM
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Tricia....welcome here to SR.....pull up a chair and read and relax....just breathe.....I was married to an alcoholic for 22 yrs and one day he just up and left the kids and I for another female alcoholic/addict. If you click on any of our names you can read our histories if you want to. I just hate it when I see someone who has JUST met an alcoholic and falls hopelessly in love with them so fast.....just remember one thing hun....IT NEVER GETS BETTER THAN COURTSHIP. The best predictor of what the future holds is what was done in the past. It does sound like he is embracing sobriety but he could be putting on a show too. Soooo many of them go into a 72 hour facility with absolutely no intentions of quitting for good....they only did it to please their codependent spouse or significant other. Stand strong and create many boundaries....

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Old 04-03-2008, 07:14 AM
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triciafawn
Welcome! Enabler is a scarey word. I'm not very fond of it because it implies that people are assisting the alcoholic on purpose. It's true that we do stuff unknowingly to assist the alcoholic but it's certainly not the intent. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Actually, I'm quite impressed with how well you handled the situation overall. You laid down a bottom line, stuck to it, and he took you seriously. That's good stuff.

The glimpse you've seen of the alcoholic side of him is the true him until HE desides to change. His family is right though......he needs something more than 72 hours of detox. Alcoholics (particularly long term, later stage alcoholics) aren't usually successful at white knuckling it through "recovery".

He has taken a positive first step. He has isolated himself right now because that is what he feels he needs. He's concentrating (hopefully) on himself and sobriety. Now, what can you do to support him in that effort? Educate yourself on this disease. Recognize the behaviors that we (codependents) fall into. Read. Go to Alanon. All of those things are things that you can do to be prepared if or when he knocks at your door again. And the journey of self discovery is amazing (or at least it is for me).

gentle hugs
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:00 AM
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Sorry for your pain triciafawn. Big Hugs.

I agree that alanon and lots of reading will help you. I have turned into a reading machine in the past two months.

I think you did great with setting a boundary and sticking to it. Think of YOU first. He's thinking of himself first....and has been since the day you met.
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Old 04-03-2008, 11:12 AM
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wow! thank you all SO much for the replies and support. I'm sure you know how much it means, because you have been here for each other.

the issue I'm having right now is that he is obviously not allowing me to contact him/and he has not contacted me. He is in his 3rd full day of alcohol detox. I just got off the phone with his mom - she is being very nice to me which I am thankful for, being that I have only known my boyfriend since November and have never met her. She told me that she was allowed to talk to him on the phone last night and again this morning, and that she has an appointment with the counselor this afternoon to discuss options for him. She said she is going to let me know what the decision is, that she hopes he will not have to go to a center out of state. She understands that I care and that I want to be a part of his recovery. I AM surprised - maybe she is putting on a front to me, I don't know - but she had just told me yesterday that I had been a crutch to him (although she said it nicely). But what I'm having a problem with is that he isn't talking to me right now. Maybe he's embarrassed, ashamed, I don't know. Because he WAS lying to me about some things. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I feel like I was nothing to him. It wasn't like I was just enabler to him - I KNOW I wasn't - I gave him HELL about what he was doing - everyDAY. But he also knew that I loved him and that I was here for him and that I care.

I got thru last night without crying as much. I know every day is going to get better. Last night I went and drove to the detox center and just sat in the parking lot, just so I could be close to him. I cried and cried and cried. Then I came home and was okay the rest of the night.

And now that I've talked to his mom and know that there is a plan, I'm relieved. But damn, I miss him SO much.
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Old 04-03-2008, 11:55 AM
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It took me a long time to realize that giving my husband HELL about his drinking did nothing to help him, and in fact probably made the problem worse. Enabling isn't always obvious, especially to those of us doing it.......

L
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Old 04-03-2008, 02:58 PM
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I am trying to stay positive

I appreciate your bluntness, anvilhead. but what I am saying is that I refuse to believe that I was JUST an enabler. I am not going to lessen my opinion of myself to think that he just thought of me as his ticket to keep drinking. We had a really cool relationship. If he was truly using me and abusing me, I would admit that wholeheartedly. However, I think the alcoholism was much bigger than our relationship. And one of the last things I DID tell him is that "we" cannot BE, until he is sober. Yes, he went to the hospital as his last resort....because I was kicking him out. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me....or didn't love me.

Until I know otherwise, I will not accept the fact that he was only with me for that reason. As of right now, I am going to be positive and think that he isn't talking to me right now because he doesn't want me to see him like this and he is ashamed and embarrassed. I may be in denial, who knows, But I WILL be positive.

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Old 04-03-2008, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by triciafawn View Post
I appreciate your bluntness, anvilhead. but what I am saying is that I refuse to believe that I was JUST an enabler. I am not going to lessen my opinion of myself to think that he just thought of me as his ticket to keep drinking. We had a really cool relationship. If he was truly using me and abusing me, I would admit that wholeheartedly.
There may have been more to it. Most relationships are terribly complicated, especially those with an A. But that doesn't take anything away from the fact that he was also using you. That he was is as clear as could be.


Originally Posted by triciafawn View Post
Until I know otherwise, I will not accept the fact that he was only with me for that reason. As of right now, I am going to be positive and think that he isn't talking to me right now because he doesn't want me to see him like this and he is ashamed and embarrassed. I may be in denial, who knows, But I WILL be positive.
Being positive does not preclude being able to look honestly at what your relationship truly was. You did enable his drinking, intentionally or not. He did use you, whether he feels more than that or not. He may be feeling shame and embarrasment right now (rightly so). That doesn't mean you should not take a look at yourself, your behaviors and choices and take an honest inventory of yourself. That can be a wonderful eye opening experience that leads to a better you and indirectly leads you to a better way to suppot him if you want to do so.
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:11 PM
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Why is your opinion of yourself dependant on whether he loves you or not, whether he was using you or not, whether you were his ticket to keep drinking or not? Is your worth as a person based on what others think of you, or what you think of you?

And why do you need to believe that he doesn't want you to see him like this in order to be positive? The guy is getting help for his addiction. That's reason enough to be positive in my book. Especially when it's someone you love.

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Old 04-03-2008, 03:34 PM
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Tricia (()) you will learn in your own time that love has very little to do with it. Most of us here have probably loved and lost our alcoholics. I really hope that your ab is sucessful in his recovery, but remember it is HIS recovery and be prepared to be second best and by all means support him but be sure to support yourself more. Take good care.

Mair xx
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:55 PM
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logic

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Why is your opinion of yourself dependant on whether he loves you or not, whether he was using you or not, whether you were his ticket to keep drinking or not? Is your worth as a person based on what others think of you, or what you think of you?
I guess because I always try to see the logic in everything. Everything for a reason kinda-thing. And I guess because deep down that is what is probably true. If we'd been dating for much longer, and if we'd begun dating when he was sober, I think I would KNOW for a fact he wasn't using me. But now, I'm not so sure. No, my worth as a person is not based on what others think of me, or what I think of myself, it's just I have a history of being a "fixer". I don't want to own that title. It's just from my experience, just about every guy I have ever dated needs to be fixed. (I know, I know, that speaks volumes. I've gotten help on the subject - have been to counseling - and nothing ever works - even when I tell a guy "No, I cannot date you", I end up doing it anyway. But SOMETIMES I am successful with my decision not to date them - sometimes I can walk away, sometimes I can't. it's weird.)

And why do you need to believe that he doesn't want you to see him like this in order to be positive? The guy is getting help for his addiction. That's reason enough to be positive in my book. Especially when it's someone you love.
I meant that I was being positive about not thinking that he was just totally using me. I DO know that he was using me, without a doubt, but I am trying to be positive that that wasn't all of what it was. I AM totally positive about him getting help - he IS in the right place - and that's a wonderful thing!

Also...one more thing....I know AA teaches that you shouldn't get into a relationship for a year after becoming sober. And being that he has gone thru this a few times, he knows that.....
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:59 PM
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I've gotten help on the subject - have been to counseling - and nothing ever works
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty? I read it three times, and on the third time, my eyes finally opened.

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Old 04-03-2008, 04:04 PM
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People can only use us if we let them?
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Old 04-03-2008, 04:10 PM
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Alcoholics use people without really thinking about it...they have a disease and that rules their brain function. November was not that long ago and I know you are hurting but my advice is run away from this situation, take care of yourself, get some counseling and then take another look in a couple of months.
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Old 04-03-2008, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by triciafawn View Post
I guess because I always try to see the logic in everything. Everything for a reason kinda-thing.
I think there is a reason for everything, too. I've come to believe the reason I was married to an alcoholic was to learn about and discover myself. I also believe that life will continue to teach the same lessons until I learn them.

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