Dixie
When I first read your post, I REALLY wanted to reply. I felt so strongly. But I couldn't think of a way to do that without sounding as if I was lecturing.
I write a lot here, but one of my personal "rules" is to never take a side regarding relationships. Way too dangerous and arrogant, I think.
But I have 3 "kids" in their 20's. And while they experienced a dad who was drinking heavily in their teens, I did raise them well. They are all achievers and capable adults.
So it struck me that you seemed to be positioning yourself between your son and his wife. I found it strange, really. Since my kids graduated college (before then, actually) I have advised only when asked. Raising them nearly killed me and I no longer "parent." We are equals and have a wonderful relationship.
But relationships are complex and they are all different. So I chose not to comment. Even if asked, I would refuse to be part of my kid's relationships with their spouses. That's what being an adult is all about. Old enough to marry, old enough to deal with and handle the outcomes.
It almost seems like you daughter-in-law is the one being enabled here. If she is in fact an adult it, I would think that your (or her parent's) involvement would be the LAST thing she would want or consider.
If my kids faced something similar I would certainly be there for support. I would give them advice as to how to protect their rights in the legal arena. But I wouldn't advise with regard to the marital politics. They owned those when they said "I do." The consequence of decisions made.
I empathize and sympathize with you. I really do. And I rarely sympathize around here. Only when things "happen" that are beyond one's control. That's rare.
But I doubt that your son can be "managed" into recovery or adulthood. It's got to be him. He has to "own" all his success with recovery and life. I am there in every way for my kids except to minimize the consequences of poor decisions. As a result, they have grown from each of their poor decisions. It is sometimes painful to watch, but it is oh so rewarding when they pull themselves up and grow from it.
Best to you. I hope things turn out well.
warrens