have to give my son bad news.....how to do this?

Old 03-20-2008, 08:09 AM
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have to give my son bad news.....how to do this?

Friends,

My son is in long term residential care and has been there doing moderately well for three months. The director said my son's hardest problem is staying focused.

In the next few days my dh and I are going to visit him. we have to be honest and tell him his wife has decided to divorce him and he will be getting papers within the next few days.

Decisions have to be made on whether or not he wants a lawyer and if so does he have a preference as to whom would represent him. There will be a custody issue on supervised visitation. This is what my dil wants . She also wants me to be the supervisor of these visits. I feel like that will again put me in the middle and I don't know if I want that responsibility. I don't even know if my son would agree to that(supervised visitation) as he is very meek and mild and never ever hurt anyone. His wife however is insisting on supervised and I don't know what kind of choice my son might or might not have. She is asking that their home be sold to pay all debts and I don't know if he has a choice in that either as all the debt isn't his. So I do guess we should ask an attorney about options.

I just don't know what to say to my son or how to say it to him about the divorce and papers coming, I just know it will fill him with great sadness and I truly hurt for him.

He is trying so hard in rehab but his wife says basically she has lost trust in him and she doesn't always want to live in fear of a relapse. I also feel that to a certain extent she is ashamed of my son and just wants to get on with her life.

In my heart I am afraid this might make my son feel like ,"what's the use?" He can leave the program at any time and I think this might lead to his leaving. Does anyone have any advice for me on what to say or how to say it? I will not lie to him but I dread having to answer his questions. Thanks for listening.........dixied
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Old 03-20-2008, 08:45 AM
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(((Dixied)))

Sorry you are even put in this position.

As for your son, I can only give you MY experience as an RA. I have had to deal with more than a few things, and initially thought "what's the use of staying clean", but I know that if I go back to using, I will just have to face even more consequences later on.

Actually, the fact that he is where he is, I think, is a good thing. He is with people who are also learning to live life without dope. If he truly wants recovery, this will not stop him. Yes, he will be sad, heartbroken, but he can get through it...and stay clean. Nothing you, or anyone else says, can make him go back to using, just as nothing said to him can make him stay clean....it's all up to him.

As far as how to tell him, I think that depends on your relationship. In my family, we've always been pretty much blunt and to the point, so that's what I expect. How has your family dealt with bad news in the past? How would you break bad news to him if he wasn't in recovery?

Unfortunately, this is a consequence of his using. I hope that he sees that, as bad as this is, it will only get worse if he goes back to using.

Sending you and your family hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-20-2008, 08:47 AM
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He can't stop a divorce. In most every state...all debts are 50/50 even if only one ran up the bills. Unless it can be proved that bills were run up over the past month or so to inflate things (new car two weeks ago, all new furniture 3 weeks ago) All assets would be counted as 50/50 as well. Selling the house to pay the debts vs keeping the house and the bills that go with it so to keep the family home for the children...support is based on income of each as to who pays what if the house is not sold. So from his standpoint, selling the house may be the better option.

There are consequences to our actions. He will need deal with them and you can't protect him from them but to soften the blow of his consequences ...
Maybe talk things over with one of the councelors at the rehab before talking with him. Deal with each issue one at a time.
She wants a divorce...issue #1
All other issues will be worked out later...one at a time.
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Old 03-20-2008, 08:58 AM
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I would first talk to his doctors or someone at the treatment center about this. YOu have to tell him, it should not make a difference in his recovery because he should be doing it for himself.

If you do not want to be in the middle then you say no I do not want to be in the middle. I can see why she wants supervised visits with the kids, he has used drugs-what mother would let her kids go see someone that used drugs. He is recovering but it is in a controlled environment.

If she wants to get on with her life you can not blame her, she seems to be looking out for herself, and in a wierd way she is looking out for him. Sell the house to pay off the debit. That is great.

No matter what your son needs to talk to a lawyer to make sure that everything is correct in what she is saying. But the courts will have him do supervised visits they could also ask him to do regular drug tests to make sure he is not using when he gets out of rehab.
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Old 03-20-2008, 09:10 AM
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My ex DIL has supervised visits only. I have always allowed her to come and stay in my home in order to visit my granddaughter (she is in the military). She never did the court ordered parent classes or this would be waived. It was easier because child is more comfortable in my home and didn't know her mom at first. Now, it is a source of irritation, but I tell her to take the class!
I don't really mind, I observe alot and she has asked for my input on how to or what to do. It can be a blessing for both the parent and child to have someone who loves them both there!!
prayers for you and your son--glad he is still in treatment.
love and prayers,
susan
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Old 03-21-2008, 06:57 PM
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Dixied, why isn't his (ex) wife telling him this? It seems to me that she should be the person to pass this information on, and you're right, being in the middle is not a good place for you to be.

That said, it is what it is, and he really should get legal advice before making any decisions or signing anything.

Sending big hugs and lots of prayers because this is going to be a sad time no matter how anyone handles it.

Hugs
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Old 03-21-2008, 08:10 PM
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When I read your post, as Ann asked, I had the same question. Why do you have to tell him?

When he does receive the news, hopefully he will seek the support and guidance from his treatment facility to stay focused on his recovery, too.

When my sister was in her treatment center, there was an outside issue (having to do with court and an exbf) my mom wanted my sister to know and tried to go through her counselor. Her counselor mentioned this was another thing my mom was trying to make easier (control) and really should just let go and let my sister deal with whatever comes to her. It's very difficult to step back, but sometimes it's exactly what needs to happen.

Prayers for all those involved and affected!
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Old 03-21-2008, 08:35 PM
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Yep - my first thought was the same as Anns... it should be the ex telling him.

Probably, she won't - for whatever reason. I suppose you can let him have the papers served on him, and he can find out that way. It does seem to me that being in a rehab with counselors on staff - all day - might be the BEST way to receive such news.

You could warn the counselors it is coming, and then just have the wife send the paperwork along. No reason for you to visit until after he is served, that way, you aren't the bearer of the bad news, and he has time to absorb the information. Once he has absorbed the information, THEN he can take any next steps....


((hugs))
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Old 03-21-2008, 11:11 PM
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Hugs to you during this tough time.
He's a big boy...you can't cushion his fall.
The good news he is sober and will be able to make wiser decisions about his divorce.
The fear of losing visitation may motivate him even more to stay sober.
IMHO: Offer him a shoulder and an ear, but don't offer to take care of it for him.
We all get stronger and more responsible by flexing our emotional muscles...
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Old 03-21-2008, 11:46 PM
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A thought occurred to me....what if she changes her mind?

How awful would you feel, if that happened...and it does happen more often than you think?

Maybe rethink your place in all this. It's her decision (or not) and her responsibility to tell him (or her prerogative to change her mind).

Maybe just live and let live and let events unfold as they may.

Hugs
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Old 03-22-2008, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
A thought occurred to me....what if she changes her mind?

How awful would you feel, if that happened...and it does happen more often than you think?

Maybe rethink your place in all this. It's her decision (or not) and her responsibility to tell him (or her prerogative to change her mind).

Maybe just live and let live and let events unfold as they may.

Hugs
I love your approach to solving problems.
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Old 03-22-2008, 11:36 AM
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Dixie

When I first read your post, I REALLY wanted to reply. I felt so strongly. But I couldn't think of a way to do that without sounding as if I was lecturing.

I write a lot here, but one of my personal "rules" is to never take a side regarding relationships. Way too dangerous and arrogant, I think.

But I have 3 "kids" in their 20's. And while they experienced a dad who was drinking heavily in their teens, I did raise them well. They are all achievers and capable adults.

So it struck me that you seemed to be positioning yourself between your son and his wife. I found it strange, really. Since my kids graduated college (before then, actually) I have advised only when asked. Raising them nearly killed me and I no longer "parent." We are equals and have a wonderful relationship.

But relationships are complex and they are all different. So I chose not to comment. Even if asked, I would refuse to be part of my kid's relationships with their spouses. That's what being an adult is all about. Old enough to marry, old enough to deal with and handle the outcomes.

It almost seems like you daughter-in-law is the one being enabled here. If she is in fact an adult it, I would think that your (or her parent's) involvement would be the LAST thing she would want or consider.

If my kids faced something similar I would certainly be there for support. I would give them advice as to how to protect their rights in the legal arena. But I wouldn't advise with regard to the marital politics. They owned those when they said "I do." The consequence of decisions made.

I empathize and sympathize with you. I really do. And I rarely sympathize around here. Only when things "happen" that are beyond one's control. That's rare.

But I doubt that your son can be "managed" into recovery or adulthood. It's got to be him. He has to "own" all his success with recovery and life. I am there in every way for my kids except to minimize the consequences of poor decisions. As a result, they have grown from each of their poor decisions. It is sometimes painful to watch, but it is oh so rewarding when they pull themselves up and grow from it.

Best to you. I hope things turn out well.

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Old 03-22-2008, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by warrens View Post
Dixie


But I have 3 "kids" in their 20's. And while they experienced a dad who was drinking heavily in their teens, I did raise them well. They are all achievers and capable adults. warrens
I do not mean to be snarky, here, just curious where you are coming from. Does this mean that those sons and daughters not achieving and capable, were not raised well?

This presumes that parents have some kind of control over their adult children and their lifelong choices. If only...............
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Old 03-22-2008, 03:13 PM
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OTL

Not snarky at all. I had no "implication" at all when I wrote those words.

I and my wife worked very hard to imbue our children with values and character. Very hard. There were years that made us feel like we'd failed, when our kids challenged and even disregarded what we'd taught. They experimented and "tried on" behaviors that didn't reflect what we'd taught.

That was typical teenage behavior. As they've grown into adults they have discovered the value in working hard, caring for others, and making the earth a better place. My ex and I consider ourselves very "lucky" more than responsible for this.

So many countless parents do the same and better than we did, only to have their children meet tragic consequences. You are 100% right. There are no guarantees. All you can do is your best. Rehab facilities and prisons are full of young people raised by wonderful and dedicated parents.

So, the only "point" I was trying to make is that when a parent does the best that they can, there comes a point when they have to let their young "fly" and hope for the best. Let them deal with their own problems, own their own success or failure. Too many parents, I think, take their children's failings as their own when nothing could be further from the truth. So, I think we are actually on the same exact page.

Sorry for any confusion I may have caused. My kids are my greatest source of gratitude-for being so lucky, not for being such a great parent.

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Old 03-22-2008, 03:40 PM
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((((dixied))))

I wonder why you feel you have to be the one to soften the blow for him? The papers will come and he will know and perhaps he will share with his counselors and get feed back and perhaps learn some coping skills out of it.

With you being the bearer of bad news it sounds like a codie behavior of trying to fix the situation.

My mom the eternal fixer of my addicted siblings has 3 active addicts living in her home right now all of them are over 40. My oldest brother is in his middle 50's and still dependent on mom to fix everything. I can't help but wonder if things would have been a lot different at least for her if she could learn to keep herself out of their business...

I am not trying to sound harsh but I think it is an aspect that might help you to see your role in this....
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Old 03-22-2008, 03:45 PM
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Dont do for her, what she needs to do for herself, is my thought.

Mama bear has to step out of baby bear's path in life....he is not breakable....these are his consequences to bear and must bear them in order to grow strong.

The might Oak tree is able to withstand hurricane stegnth winds without anyone placing a barrier around it for protection.

Let go...let God.
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Old 03-22-2008, 03:54 PM
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Just a hug for you for whenever you may need one.
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