Hello and welcome
Unfortunately I understand exactly how you feel......I wish I didn't but I do.
I am the mother of a 26 year old alcoholic/addict son. We also sent our son through treatment via an intervention.......a very painful experience. We had to drive him 1-1/2 hours up to the treatment center after he agreed to go (thank goodness that we had a wonderful interventionist.....we had tried the SOTPI and it backfired on us!). The whole way to the center he spewed alcoholic meaness on us. He refused to say goodbye when we left him there. That was a year and a half ago.
I understand the pain you feel regarding his coldness. My son did something very similar to me. He told me that when he sees my emotions, it's a trigger for him. Perhaps it is similar for your son. Until you get further in your recovery, he may need to keep you at a distance for his own sobriety and recovery.
"I do believe we may lose him to this disease."
That is a fear that I also shared. In fact, when he graduated high school.....I was so sure that I was going to lose my son that I bought a ridiculously expensive and large portrait of him because I thought that was all I would have to remember him by. I now know that living in fear of what might be is a terrible way to live and a terrible way to love. It feels awful.
I am 1-1/2 years into my own recovery. Most days I feel really good about it (I do have bad days occasionally though). My son relapsed recently. I truly believe that because I was practicing the things that I learned in my own recovery......he realized that he needed to get back into treatment.......and he did it voluntarily.......without my suggesting it. He is doing well.
Letting go of our sons is very difficult but it's so necessary to allow them the room to grow and become their own person. Here are a few of my favorite responses to my son these days.
"hmmmmmm"
"whatever you decide.....it's YOUR choice."
"I don't have an answer for you. Perhaps that's an issue you should discuss with your counselor or in group."
Those are the things I say instead of explaining to him EXACTLY what I think he should do. I would tell him exactly what he should do (it was always the logical answer) and then I would be hurt and angry when I was blamed for the outcome. It feels a lot better to let them make their own decisions and live with the consequences. I don't rescue him anymore (which I did for years.....I was really good at it!) I don't triangulate for him anymore (being the messenger for him to other people...his father, sister, girlfriend, etc.). I don't indulge him when he's talking nonsense--I refuse to engage (I use to try to "talk some sense into him"). I give him warm and loving response when he is acting like a decent human being and simply refuse to be around him when he's not (I have hung up on him more times than I can count).
It is no longer painful. It is healthy. I have boundaries and I stick to them. It feels good for ME (and for him too I think). When I slip up (which I still do occasionally), THAT is what doesn't feel good now.
Please feel free to PM me if you would like to. Being the mother of an alcoholic is a very lonely, helpless feeling sometimes.
gentle hugs