Sad But Recovering Mom: Introduction
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 1
Sad But Recovering Mom: Introduction
Hi Friends and Family,
My name is ksmms, and I'm the mother of a 25 year old alcoholic son. He will return to our home from residential 30-day treatment this Tuesday. He doesn't have his own place, and isn't married, and doesn't have children, thank goodness, My husband and I have learned so much in the last month I hardly know where to begin. We've been involved with the center's family sessions, small groups, and counseling, and I've gone to one Al-Anon meeting, so far. I have accepted and stated to him in our sessions that I am powerless over his addiction.
I am truly trying to move on and accept things that I cannot change. Still, I am in a grieving mode and sort of stuck there. With giving this problem up to God, I am still neverthless heartbroken. This feels so much like someone I loved has died. We did an intervention with our son (seat of the pants intervention ... SOTPI?? LOL)) when his behavior finally became unacceptable to us. We gave him a choice of moving to a motel or going to treatment. He reluctantly and somewhat defiantly chose treatment.
He's one of thos alcoholics who thinks he's smarter than the program (and most people), but in a weird way, he's working it. He's on the border of thinking 12 step is a good thing and thinking it's a crock of crap. He is honest in that way. I realize he could absolutely relapse. He says he can't imagine living without drinking. Still, he's says he is is sober today, and doesn't worry about tomorrow.
What is causing me grief is his coldness to me, in particular, rather than his father. I'm more of the one to cause head-butting between us, but I'm also the one who is his biggest champion. I obviously have a lot invested in my son, who I think is loaded with potential. I do believe we may lose him to this disease.
I'd like to hear from other mothers who have felt this sort of grief. Detaching yourself from an alcoholic child is so very painful. It goes against all of my instincts as a parent, and yet I must for my own sanity.
My name is ksmms, and I'm the mother of a 25 year old alcoholic son. He will return to our home from residential 30-day treatment this Tuesday. He doesn't have his own place, and isn't married, and doesn't have children, thank goodness, My husband and I have learned so much in the last month I hardly know where to begin. We've been involved with the center's family sessions, small groups, and counseling, and I've gone to one Al-Anon meeting, so far. I have accepted and stated to him in our sessions that I am powerless over his addiction.
I am truly trying to move on and accept things that I cannot change. Still, I am in a grieving mode and sort of stuck there. With giving this problem up to God, I am still neverthless heartbroken. This feels so much like someone I loved has died. We did an intervention with our son (seat of the pants intervention ... SOTPI?? LOL)) when his behavior finally became unacceptable to us. We gave him a choice of moving to a motel or going to treatment. He reluctantly and somewhat defiantly chose treatment.
He's one of thos alcoholics who thinks he's smarter than the program (and most people), but in a weird way, he's working it. He's on the border of thinking 12 step is a good thing and thinking it's a crock of crap. He is honest in that way. I realize he could absolutely relapse. He says he can't imagine living without drinking. Still, he's says he is is sober today, and doesn't worry about tomorrow.
What is causing me grief is his coldness to me, in particular, rather than his father. I'm more of the one to cause head-butting between us, but I'm also the one who is his biggest champion. I obviously have a lot invested in my son, who I think is loaded with potential. I do believe we may lose him to this disease.
I'd like to hear from other mothers who have felt this sort of grief. Detaching yourself from an alcoholic child is so very painful. It goes against all of my instincts as a parent, and yet I must for my own sanity.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I am not the mother of an alcoholic child, but I was the girlfriend of an alcoholic for 24 years. I lost my boyfriend to alcoholism less than a year ago, so I understand your fear. I was my boyfriend's biggest champion yet I was powerless to change him or stop his disease from progressing.
One thing I wasn't powerless over, though, was how I allowed people to treat me. A 25-year-old man who's life is a mess and who depends on his parents for food, clothing, and shelter should be damn grateful that he has a place to call home. His cold behavior to you is selfish, rude, and totally unaccceptable.
I will no longer allow people who claim they love me to treat me poorly. It doesn't matter to me who they are--boyfriend, husband, child, or sibling--treat me with dignity and respect or find another place to live. End of story.
One thing I wasn't powerless over, though, was how I allowed people to treat me. A 25-year-old man who's life is a mess and who depends on his parents for food, clothing, and shelter should be damn grateful that he has a place to call home. His cold behavior to you is selfish, rude, and totally unaccceptable.
I will no longer allow people who claim they love me to treat me poorly. It doesn't matter to me who they are--boyfriend, husband, child, or sibling--treat me with dignity and respect or find another place to live. End of story.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by ksmms7331 
What is causing me grief is his coldness to me, in particular, rather than his father. I'm more of the one to cause head-butting between us, but I'm also the one who is his biggest champion. I obviously have a lot invested in my son, who I think is loaded with potential.
When I feel pressured to have my potential meet someone else's expectations, I get angry at them. Irrational, perhaps, but I feel I'm doomed.
Welcome to SR, glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hello and welcome
Unfortunately I understand exactly how you feel......I wish I didn't but I do.
I am the mother of a 26 year old alcoholic/addict son. We also sent our son through treatment via an intervention.......a very painful experience. We had to drive him 1-1/2 hours up to the treatment center after he agreed to go (thank goodness that we had a wonderful interventionist.....we had tried the SOTPI and it backfired on us!). The whole way to the center he spewed alcoholic meaness on us. He refused to say goodbye when we left him there. That was a year and a half ago.
I understand the pain you feel regarding his coldness. My son did something very similar to me. He told me that when he sees my emotions, it's a trigger for him. Perhaps it is similar for your son. Until you get further in your recovery, he may need to keep you at a distance for his own sobriety and recovery.
"I do believe we may lose him to this disease."
That is a fear that I also shared. In fact, when he graduated high school.....I was so sure that I was going to lose my son that I bought a ridiculously expensive and large portrait of him because I thought that was all I would have to remember him by. I now know that living in fear of what might be is a terrible way to live and a terrible way to love. It feels awful.
I am 1-1/2 years into my own recovery. Most days I feel really good about it (I do have bad days occasionally though). My son relapsed recently. I truly believe that because I was practicing the things that I learned in my own recovery......he realized that he needed to get back into treatment.......and he did it voluntarily.......without my suggesting it. He is doing well.
Letting go of our sons is very difficult but it's so necessary to allow them the room to grow and become their own person. Here are a few of my favorite responses to my son these days.
"hmmmmmm"
"whatever you decide.....it's YOUR choice."
"I don't have an answer for you. Perhaps that's an issue you should discuss with your counselor or in group."
Those are the things I say instead of explaining to him EXACTLY what I think he should do. I would tell him exactly what he should do (it was always the logical answer) and then I would be hurt and angry when I was blamed for the outcome. It feels a lot better to let them make their own decisions and live with the consequences. I don't rescue him anymore (which I did for years.....I was really good at it!) I don't triangulate for him anymore (being the messenger for him to other people...his father, sister, girlfriend, etc.). I don't indulge him when he's talking nonsense--I refuse to engage (I use to try to "talk some sense into him"). I give him warm and loving response when he is acting like a decent human being and simply refuse to be around him when he's not (I have hung up on him more times than I can count).
It is no longer painful. It is healthy. I have boundaries and I stick to them. It feels good for ME (and for him too I think). When I slip up (which I still do occasionally), THAT is what doesn't feel good now.
Please feel free to PM me if you would like to. Being the mother of an alcoholic is a very lonely, helpless feeling sometimes.
gentle hugs
Unfortunately I understand exactly how you feel......I wish I didn't but I do.
I am the mother of a 26 year old alcoholic/addict son. We also sent our son through treatment via an intervention.......a very painful experience. We had to drive him 1-1/2 hours up to the treatment center after he agreed to go (thank goodness that we had a wonderful interventionist.....we had tried the SOTPI and it backfired on us!). The whole way to the center he spewed alcoholic meaness on us. He refused to say goodbye when we left him there. That was a year and a half ago.
I understand the pain you feel regarding his coldness. My son did something very similar to me. He told me that when he sees my emotions, it's a trigger for him. Perhaps it is similar for your son. Until you get further in your recovery, he may need to keep you at a distance for his own sobriety and recovery.
"I do believe we may lose him to this disease."
That is a fear that I also shared. In fact, when he graduated high school.....I was so sure that I was going to lose my son that I bought a ridiculously expensive and large portrait of him because I thought that was all I would have to remember him by. I now know that living in fear of what might be is a terrible way to live and a terrible way to love. It feels awful.
I am 1-1/2 years into my own recovery. Most days I feel really good about it (I do have bad days occasionally though). My son relapsed recently. I truly believe that because I was practicing the things that I learned in my own recovery......he realized that he needed to get back into treatment.......and he did it voluntarily.......without my suggesting it. He is doing well.
Letting go of our sons is very difficult but it's so necessary to allow them the room to grow and become their own person. Here are a few of my favorite responses to my son these days.
"hmmmmmm"
"whatever you decide.....it's YOUR choice."
"I don't have an answer for you. Perhaps that's an issue you should discuss with your counselor or in group."
Those are the things I say instead of explaining to him EXACTLY what I think he should do. I would tell him exactly what he should do (it was always the logical answer) and then I would be hurt and angry when I was blamed for the outcome. It feels a lot better to let them make their own decisions and live with the consequences. I don't rescue him anymore (which I did for years.....I was really good at it!) I don't triangulate for him anymore (being the messenger for him to other people...his father, sister, girlfriend, etc.). I don't indulge him when he's talking nonsense--I refuse to engage (I use to try to "talk some sense into him"). I give him warm and loving response when he is acting like a decent human being and simply refuse to be around him when he's not (I have hung up on him more times than I can count).
It is no longer painful. It is healthy. I have boundaries and I stick to them. It feels good for ME (and for him too I think). When I slip up (which I still do occasionally), THAT is what doesn't feel good now.
Please feel free to PM me if you would like to. Being the mother of an alcoholic is a very lonely, helpless feeling sometimes.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It is no longer painful. It is healthy. I have boundaries and I stick to them. It feels good for ME (and for him too I think). When I slip up (which I still do occasionally), THAT is what doesn't feel good now.
Powerful words for me today, Kind Eyes. I need to trust my "gut" not only in knowing what the RIGHT choice is, but when I self-inflict pain by doing the WRONG thing and I feel that anxiety in my gut. It is up to me, not anyone else, what I choose to put myself through. Thanks!
Ksmms-A friend of mine just told me about a book called "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, that is about a son-mother relationship involving addiction. My friend was telling me about how the mother (in the book) said it is human nature for a child to continuously try for the affection of a parent who is more absent in the relationship over the parent who is always supportive. I haven't read it, but from what she told me it sounds like a great read for mothers of addicts/alcoholics. I plan on reading it soon.
Powerful words for me today, Kind Eyes. I need to trust my "gut" not only in knowing what the RIGHT choice is, but when I self-inflict pain by doing the WRONG thing and I feel that anxiety in my gut. It is up to me, not anyone else, what I choose to put myself through. Thanks!
Ksmms-A friend of mine just told me about a book called "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, that is about a son-mother relationship involving addiction. My friend was telling me about how the mother (in the book) said it is human nature for a child to continuously try for the affection of a parent who is more absent in the relationship over the parent who is always supportive. I haven't read it, but from what she told me it sounds like a great read for mothers of addicts/alcoholics. I plan on reading it soon.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Any book by Mitch Albom is worth reading. Haven't read "One More Day" yet, but it's in my reading stack. I also recommend "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Five People you Meet in Heaven," also by Mitch Albom.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Ksmms, I understand your pain......
I am a mom of a 23 yr old alcoholic.
I spent a very long time, convinced it was my fault and that it was my job to fix her....I cried many years of tears at the loss of my child, and my hopes and dreams for her....I was so deeply hurt by her coldness and seeming lack of caring for herself and her mom.
Then I learned about her addiction and mine. I am a codependent and she is an alcoholic. Her addiction took her from me and from herself. I now see clearly what is the addiction and what is her. My addiction took me away from my life and my awareness of my right to live it.
I I now know I am powerless over her addiction and it is hers to fix..and it is my job to get out of the way.I accept who she is now...and I choose to believe that she will find her way eventually on her timetable...
This board has been huge for me...a trememdous source of support and wisdom and understanding....
I almost lost my daughter to cancer and then the street and now she struggles with addiction...
I so understand your grief and pain. I am a single parent and my daughter and
have always had a very close relationship.
She spent several years where she was extremely abusive to me, physically as well as verbally. It was devastating....
I just arrived at point where I had had enough and things had to change for me.
Learning to detach for me was crucial.
Changing where I was in the equation with my daughter has given me a peace I have not felt in a long time..What I did not expect was the shift it would eventually create in her. Today she still uses but is trying to move from that...She treats me with respect and calls me often..I maintain my boundaries because they are for her as much as they are for me...
She has a very long way to go to rebuild her life...I choose to be in the moment with her....
My choosing to step away from her life definitely had an impact on her...
Do what you need to do for you...
don't take personally his behavior towards you.(I know it is hard)..it is the addiction talking but do have your boundaries around it..I
It totally goes against all our instincts to have to detach but it will save your life and possible his...
And try not to awfulize....get caught up in all of the awful things that you are sure will happen...I was the queen of Awfulizing!! Try and stay in the moment.Keep coming and talking with us.. there will be lots of people along shortly who have walked this path. Pm me if you would like...
:ghug3
I am a mom of a 23 yr old alcoholic.
I spent a very long time, convinced it was my fault and that it was my job to fix her....I cried many years of tears at the loss of my child, and my hopes and dreams for her....I was so deeply hurt by her coldness and seeming lack of caring for herself and her mom.
Then I learned about her addiction and mine. I am a codependent and she is an alcoholic. Her addiction took her from me and from herself. I now see clearly what is the addiction and what is her. My addiction took me away from my life and my awareness of my right to live it.
I I now know I am powerless over her addiction and it is hers to fix..and it is my job to get out of the way.I accept who she is now...and I choose to believe that she will find her way eventually on her timetable...
This board has been huge for me...a trememdous source of support and wisdom and understanding....
I almost lost my daughter to cancer and then the street and now she struggles with addiction...
I so understand your grief and pain. I am a single parent and my daughter and
have always had a very close relationship.
She spent several years where she was extremely abusive to me, physically as well as verbally. It was devastating....
I just arrived at point where I had had enough and things had to change for me.
Learning to detach for me was crucial.
Changing where I was in the equation with my daughter has given me a peace I have not felt in a long time..What I did not expect was the shift it would eventually create in her. Today she still uses but is trying to move from that...She treats me with respect and calls me often..I maintain my boundaries because they are for her as much as they are for me...
She has a very long way to go to rebuild her life...I choose to be in the moment with her....
My choosing to step away from her life definitely had an impact on her...
Do what you need to do for you...
don't take personally his behavior towards you.(I know it is hard)..it is the addiction talking but do have your boundaries around it..I
It totally goes against all our instincts to have to detach but it will save your life and possible his...
And try not to awfulize....get caught up in all of the awful things that you are sure will happen...I was the queen of Awfulizing!! Try and stay in the moment.Keep coming and talking with us.. there will be lots of people along shortly who have walked this path. Pm me if you would like...
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
He's one of thos alcoholics who thinks he's smarter than the program (and most people), but in a weird way, he's working it. He's on the border of thinking 12 step is a good thing and thinking it's a crock of crap.
He also thinks that he is so much smarter then other people. He gets frustrated with people really easy and I used to think that he was just a sensitive soul and had a big heart and wanted things to be right but it got to the point where the people around him where just making little mistakes(ones that really are of no importance in this life) and he would get aggravated(example not loading the dishwasher right).
After a while it got to the point where I believe that he was trying to make him self seem so intelligent b/c deep down inside he was feeling so bad about his drinking and he knew that what he was doing was stupid but just did not want to stop it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am the mom of a 30 year old alcoholic/addict. Her choices have cost her the children (they now live with their dad), and none of us in the family will help her anymore because she has sucked us all dry.
She hasn't worked for over 10 years, lives like a nomad from place to place to place. She has applied for disability because she has social anxiety and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot daily for 15 years.
She's currently on probation again, this last time she took someone's credit card (someone she was living with), and used it.
She goes to court early next month, and will probably do more time as she's supposed to have completed 400 hours of community service and has done 4 hours.
I took her in after her first jail term (9 months for felony meth-related charges), and she was out the door in a month, I changed the locks, and put a restraining order on her.
It took a long time to get past the pain of being betrayed-she broke every rule in the house and that's why I kicked her out. She had gotten my then 15 year old daughter hooked up with a 24 year old that was kept secret from me, and she was instrumental in my youngest running away and subsequently spending 16 months in lockup and foster care.
I love her and I always will. She knows there's a better way. I've been sober since 1990 and she knows where to go to get help. Until she's got a solid year of true recovery under her belt, I am done with her other than casual conversation when she calls (and when she has a phone).
I sleep well at night knowing I have faith in God's plan for her, and I'm not the one in charge of that plan. I have detached from her.
She hasn't worked for over 10 years, lives like a nomad from place to place to place. She has applied for disability because she has social anxiety and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot daily for 15 years.
She's currently on probation again, this last time she took someone's credit card (someone she was living with), and used it.
She goes to court early next month, and will probably do more time as she's supposed to have completed 400 hours of community service and has done 4 hours.
I took her in after her first jail term (9 months for felony meth-related charges), and she was out the door in a month, I changed the locks, and put a restraining order on her.
It took a long time to get past the pain of being betrayed-she broke every rule in the house and that's why I kicked her out. She had gotten my then 15 year old daughter hooked up with a 24 year old that was kept secret from me, and she was instrumental in my youngest running away and subsequently spending 16 months in lockup and foster care.
I love her and I always will. She knows there's a better way. I've been sober since 1990 and she knows where to go to get help. Until she's got a solid year of true recovery under her belt, I am done with her other than casual conversation when she calls (and when she has a phone).
I sleep well at night knowing I have faith in God's plan for her, and I'm not the one in charge of that plan. I have detached from her.
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