Boundries
Everyone's posts were so comforting and helpful yesterday. This weekend my AH had been up all night drinking and came and crawled into bed with me that morning and told me that he came to the conclusion that this is the way he is and that if I can't learn to deal with it I should just leave. This also happened to be the morning of my AH and youngest son's birthday parties were. I felt helpless. I didn't say a word to him, I just laid there and cried. I have learned to just not talk to him when he drinks, it doesn't help and he doesn't remember. So last night he was pretty relaxed and talking about our plans this weekend. We are planning on going to see my brother and sister for 4 days. I told him that I had been thinking about his comment he made this weekend, and he looked at me confused. So I reminded him of his comment that he isn't going to change and that if I can't learn to deal with it I should maybe just leave. He pretended to remember, but said nothing. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to do everything I could to make our marriage work, but boundaries had to be set. I told him that he could not drink in front of myself or the children, or I would remove us from the situation. I told him that if we were in a situation such as christmas that I couldn't leave right at the moment that as soon as it was finished the boys and I would be leaving. I told him how our son asked this weekend why his dad has to drink beer, and that he hates it when he drinks because he doesn't help with anything. My husband nodded his head, and looked hurt and sad. I told him that the boys and I would love for him to spend easter with us, but if he was wanting to drink that he should go spend easter with his family. He told me that he would not drink and that we wanted to spend easter with me and the boys. He listened to everything I said, and didn't get defensive. I then dropped the whole conversation, and didn't go any further. I had so much more I wanted to say, but i didn't want to get into an argument or lose the point I was trying to make. This weekend we will be spending 8 hours in the car traveling, maybe an opportunity rises and he will want to talk more about it. I have been trying to learn how to make a point and then drop it. When I keep talking he gets defensive, and then I made absolutely no progress. I am also going to talk to my mom and my best friend, about the boys and I possibly staying at there house when a situation arises. My best friend and her husband know what has been going on in my house, but I don't talk to my parents about it. So I just want to let them know that everything is fine, we aren't fighting, I am just being a bigger and better person and removing the boys and I from an unhealthy situation for a day or so. I "Hope" that it will only take a few times, before my husband knows that I am serious about it.
I was also thinking last night about how many years I have been in denial with my husbands alcoholism, so in a way I kinda of understand his denial. It has taken me 9 years to get out of denial. I guess I am just hoping that he will understand why I am doing what I do and I am going to tell him that I need to go to Alanon to help myself, that slowly he may come to terms with his disease. I read the stages of alcoholism. He is in stage 1 and progressing into stage 2. It also said that the earlier you get help the better...makes sense. I hope that he will see that getting help now would be easier than trying to get help once his progressed to the final stages.
My husband is a very loving and caring man with a huge heart. I just pray that he will someday want help.
Thank you to everyone for your great posts and comments. It has made me feel much stronger!