New to Forum...my story

Old 03-17-2008, 10:09 AM
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New to Forum...my story

I just found this forum, and am very appreciative to everyone's postings. I have been with my AH for 9 years, married for almost 6. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. We were young when we met, and I just thought that he was being young and stupid. I rarely drink and did not grow up with alcohol in my house. So even though my husband said that he was an alcoholic, I was young and naive and really didn't know what an alcoholic was, or like to live with. I always thought that after we got married he would change, after we had kids he would grow up and put the kids first. Well we now have a 4 and 2 year old, and I have finally come to terms with the disease and am trying to understand it more. My husband is not physically abusive and does not drink daily. He can go for a few weeks or even a month if he wants to, but when he does drink he can't have a few beers. He drinks for 2 -3 days straight. He stays up all night drinking. I am sure like others we have very difficult times in our past were I was at wits end and mentally checking out of the marriage, but he always seemed to turn around and be good for a while. Now that my son is 4 he is starting to see how dad acts, and well I am unable to protect him from seeing his dad like that. He asks questions about why his dad has to drink beer, tells his dad he doesn't like it. Lately, I have been trying to make sense of everything happening. It is so confusing and I feel so helpless. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to live like this the next 30 years. I don't want my kids to grow up living with an alcoholic father, but he is an excellent dad that truly loves his children, and treats the wonderful, when he isn't drinking. When he drinks he is a happy drunk, but he is drunk! I also don't want to leave him, and then have the kids have to have separate homes. My other big fear is if I left their dad, when he had them, if he drank I would not be there to watch then and protect them. Also if he did date another girl, what sort of an influence would she make on my children. I made the choice to get married and have kids, but I want to do what is best for my children, they shouldn't have to live with any mistakes I made then or could make now. They will always come first.

I guess my question is can he change?? He says this is who he is and he isn't going to change. His dad was an alcoholic, and finally quit in his 60's. His brother is an alcoholic, and is in the process of trying to get his wife back. I don't know that I am ready to walk away yet, but I also don't know how much longer I can hold on. My biggest fears are that most alcoholics won't quite until they reach rock bottom..what will be rock bottom for him and when will that be. How much will be be put through before then, and when he hits rock bottom will he choose us or alcohol? Right now he doesn't see that he has a problem, because he doesn't drink every night, and he cleans the house, cooks dinner and takes care of all of us. Which he does and it is awesome, but it would be even more awesome if he did those things because he loved us and not so that he could use it as leverage for an excuse to drink.

Anyways, I don't have anyone to talk to and I need to try to get thoughts out. I love reading everyone's posts, it makes me feel not so alone. I have thought about going to Al non meetings, but there are non in my town, I would have to drive to another town to go, and they are at my kids' bed times. I treasure our nights together reading books.

Thank you to everyone for sharing, it helps me going through my own challenges!
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Old 03-17-2008, 10:38 AM
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Welcome. I hope you find this place as helpful as I do.

Originally Posted by karisma View Post
I guess my question is can he change?? He says this is who he is and he isn't going to change.
You've got your answer. He says he isn't gong to change. Believe him.

So what about you? Do you want to change?

Originally Posted by karisma View Post
I have thought about going to Al non meetings, but there are non in my town, I would have to drive to another town to go, and they are at my kids' bed times. I treasure our nights together reading books.
I suspect missing a few nights reading so you can go to AlAnon would be worth it. Think of it as investing in your childrens' future.
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Old 03-17-2008, 10:56 AM
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I have to agree, you have your answer, he says he isn't going to change, beleive him!!!!
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Old 03-17-2008, 11:24 AM
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Welcome here at pull up a chair !! I was married to my XAH for 22 years and he was as he told me an alcoholic too when I married him. He never changed and he never reached out for sobriety. He eventually left the kids and I for a female alcoholic/drug abuser and they were married 4 days after our divorce was final. YOU need to take care of YOU. You can not change him no matter what you do. Only he can change himself. Click on any of our names to read our histories okay. Be gentle with yourself and by all means go to al-anon and help yourself.
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Old 03-17-2008, 12:14 PM
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Welcome Karisma, glad you are here.

Originally Posted by karisma View Post
Now that my son is 4 he is starting to see how dad acts, and well I am unable to protect him from seeing his dad like that. He asks questions about why his dad has to drink beer, tells his dad he doesn't like it.
My son is 9. He has for 9 years now, seen his alcoholic father drink beer every night. He has told me that he can't wait to drink beer when he grows up, b/c Dad likes it, and he's pretty sure he will like it too, cause he wants to be just like Dad.

You can protect your son from seeing your husband drink. You can ask your husband not to drink in front of the kids.

You can set boundaries, i.e., no drinking in front of the children.

Do you and your husband use profanity in front of the children? My guess is you probably don't. Okay...so....we are trying to set good examples for our children, and if you feel that not drinking in front of them would be a good example to set, then ask for it.

I have just recently set boundaries in my relationship with my AH. He has not had a drink in front of the children for a few months. Even so, my son just last night said something to the effect of "Dad, you drink beer every night". Which has been a true statement for all of my son's life, excluding the last few months. My AH got very defensive towards our son, and said "I don't do that anymore". The voice of reason (me), added my two cents, and calmly said "Dad is choosing to no longer drink beer every night, b/c this is a healthy choice"...

Originally Posted by karisma View Post
I guess my question is can he change?? !
He can change if he wants to change, but you can't make him change. You are not the Cause of his drinking, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking.

You, however, can change if you want to. You can change how you react to his drinking, you can change by stating what is/is not acceptable behavior in your home.

I just did this after being with my husband for 19 years, and frankly he is shocked! What? These things used to be okay with you....You never had a problem before with me smoking pot, drinking beer all night in the garage, etc., etc.

Well, now I do. And it will not longer be tolerated in my house. Period. End of story.

Please know that you are not alone. Keep reading/posting here, it has been such a huge help to me. Also, attending alanon and seeing a therapist has also helped in my recovery.

Shivaya
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Old 03-17-2008, 01:51 PM
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My husband is not physically abusive and does not drink daily. He can go for a few weeks or even a month if he wants to, but when he does drink he can't have a few beers. He drinks for 2 -3 days straight. He stays up all night drinking. I am sure like others we have very difficult times in our past were I was at wits end and mentally checking out of the marriage, but he always seemed to turn around and be good for a while
Right now he doesn't see that he has a problem, because he doesn't drink every night, and he cleans the house, cooks dinner and takes care of all of us. Which he does and it is awesome, but it would be even more awesome if he did those things because he loved us and not so that he could use it as leverage for an excuse to drink.
Wow....it is amazing how similiar this sounds to my xabf(of 2 weeks). This kind of behavior is mentally exhausting for someone that is in a relationship with an alcoholic. What you just typed here sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He is a very good person that just liked to drink and would do the exact same things that you mentioned above(clean the house, cook and take care of me) right after he new that he had drank and messed up. He knew deep down that he had a problem but just would not admit it fully and refused to get help. I of course fought back and wanted him to get help and he just did not want to and after 4 yrs we split-He left me and chose the alcohol over me.

I was not married and had no children with him but I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. The only thing that I can say now is that you have to decide whether to stay with him and continue this battle or leave him and get yourself and your kids help.

You asked the question-is it possible for him to change?- sure it is......but only if he truly wants that. The unfortunate thing about alcoholism is that no one in this world can help the alcoholic but themselves.

Hang in there and keep on typing. You will find others that are in the exact same situation by just reading.
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Old 03-17-2008, 02:01 PM
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thank you..

Thank you for your posts. I know that he has said that he won't change, it is just really difficult to accept a comment like that from someone you love so much. It really hurts, and I so badly want to believe that some day he will want to change. His dad finally did, and his brother is in the process. So I hope that he will see the light, I just don't want to have to wait 30 years for him to see the light. I guess I am not yet ready to give up on my marriage and for me to ever be able to walk away from my marriage, I have to know that I tried everything in my power to make our marriage work. I feel like I owe that to my children, but I also much say that I will always do what is best for my children.

My husband and I do not argue or fight in front of our kids at all. I guess we tend to be more passive, and don't talk about the "difficult" things in life as often, because we try to avoid confrontation. Especially me, I hate confrontations. I do think that setting boundries with the kids would be a great idea. If he drinks in front of the kids, I will remove us from the situation. My parents live in town and we could go stay with them. The tough part with that is that is my husband likes to drink during the times we have family things. Holidays, Birthdays, family vacations, visiting relatives. I can easily remove our children from normal situations, but how do you handle holidays, family vacations, and birthdays? I can't take my kid away from his own birthday party, or leave the house during Christmas. So removing the kids and I from the environment wouldn't work, any ideas on how to handle those type's of situations?
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Old 03-17-2008, 02:12 PM
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Hi Karisma and welcome!

In your last post you said you did not want to leave until you knew you had done everything to save your marriage. I can really relate to that! I think it's a good plan to have. I've fought, completely rolled over to his needs, tried to compromise, you name it. The best part, though, is knowing I tried everything and it didn't work anyway. If and when you get there, it's easier to do what you need to do for yourself.

Hang in there! Your awareness of your limits at this point is good!
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Old 03-17-2008, 02:12 PM
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it is just really difficult to accept a comment like that from someone you love so much. It really hurts, and I so badly want to believe that some day he will want to change. His dad finally did, and his brother is in the process. So I hope that he will see the light, I just don't want to have to wait 30 years for him to see the light
It is very hard to accept a comment like that. How could alcohol be more important then your wife and children? It is something that we as non alcoholics can't wrap our minds around.

My xabf also has a dad that used to be a pretty heavy drinker and a brother who made it all the way through medical school and is a Doctor and now goes to AA b/c he finally realized that it was ruining his marriage and he almost lost his medical license. I also hoped and prayed that someday my ex would see the light. Like I said before I was not married but we did live together so at times it felt like we were. I worked so hard on keeping it together as did he at times but alcohol is a strong thing and tore us apart. I know that you have children and want to hold on to your marriage but have you ever thought that maybe if you did leave him and he lost everything important to him that he may want to then change. Maybe that may be his rock bottom!

As for the removing yourself from the holidays and birthdays.....maybe you could ask him to leave if he starts getting like that. Not sure what to tell you to do with these situations. Have you asked him to cut down during big family events....for the sake of the kids at least.
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Old 03-17-2008, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by karisma View Post
I do think that setting boundries with the kids would be a great idea. If he drinks in front of the kids, I will remove us from the situation. My parents live in town and we could go stay with them. The tough part with that is that is my husband likes to drink during the times we have family things. Holidays, Birthdays, family vacations, visiting relatives. I can easily remove our children from normal situations, but how do you handle holidays, family vacations, and birthdays? I can't take my kid away from his own birthday party, or leave the house during Christmas. So removing the kids and I from the environment wouldn't work, any ideas on how to handle those type's of situations?
This is what has worked for me.....I have asked my AH not to drink in front of the children. He has respected this boundary thus far, inside the home. We were outside visiting with neighbors one afternoon, he was offered a beer, and he took it. I excused myself and my daughter, and went home. My son was still there, playing with his friends.

So for me, I chose to remove myself and my daughter from the situation. This was easy to do. Had we been at a family function, of course it would be very difficult to leave with the kids. So, it goes back to no drinking in front of the kids.

Dinner with the in-laws is coming up this weekend. Don't know if my AH will drink or not. If he does, I'll have to live with it. But I will certainly let him know later that it violated my boundary.

Also, I've let my AH know that I am in recovery from what the alcohol has done to our family, b/c I am a part of it too. And, as part of my recovery, I absolutely cannot see him take one sip of alcohol. I'm not saying "don't drink", I'm saying "don't drink in front of me or the children". I'm also not saying whether this is right or wrong, but it is what I need to continue in my recovery.

Another thing about boundaries which I've learned here. You can change/modify your boundaries as you go along, and as you learn more. They are not set in stone....

Hope this helps You. And this is about You, and your decision to learn how to better live with/deal with the alcoholic in your life.

Please take care,

Shivaya
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Old 03-17-2008, 03:58 PM
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Welcome! My RAH also didn't drink every day, week or even every month - but when he did - watch out! I was like you, we met when we were young and I figured "it's a stage, he'll settle once we're married" One thing I quickly learnt was that Alcoholism doesn't get better, it gets worse. Luckily at this point we don't have children (although I kept thinking that maybe he would change then), and on Christmas day I had to call the police on him because it had escalated to a point I never thought it would - he shoved me, ripped my jacket and broke both my laptop and my glasses. When RAH woke up in jail the next morning, it was the biggest wake up call ever. He's now in AA and will have 90 days sober Mar 26.
For him, that was his bottom. However, for his mom, she lost her job, her friends and her house and she still continues to drink.
You ask "Can he change?" Yup, he sure can....the question you need to ask is "Does he want to?" If he doesn't nothing you do or say will make him.
I agree with the others about setting boundries - hopefully he'll stick to them.
I also didn't think my RAH was an alcoholic either because he never drank everyday, but that's like saying someone's not allergic to nuts because they don't eat them every day -they're still allergic, just like an alcoholic who doesn't drink everday is still an alcoholic.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 03-17-2008, 06:22 PM
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Welcome Karisma!

Your question: can he change? Answer--if and when he wants to. No amount of your own suffering or your own compromises to facilitate his choices will make him quit until he wants to quit. Set boundaries and stick with them. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe starting with what others have suggested--asking him not to drink in front of your children--would be a start.

I just read an amazing book on the subject of addicts in the family. It opened my eyes not only to the disease and what my sister is going through, but also what I've been doing that has enabled her to continue her behavior...and what I CAN do to stop enabling. It showed me what I'm learning here--that I am not responsible and nor can I control or cure the alcoholic--it lifted a huge weight off my chest when I learned that. The book's called Addict in the Family by Beverly Conyers. I highly recommend you read it, and in the meantime, keep posting!
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Old 03-18-2008, 02:57 AM
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Hi Karisma...I read your story tonight and all the posts related to it and I just needed to send you this. It is almost as if you were writing a story about my life at the moment, I don't even have to say anything else. The experiences, the feelings, the anxieties, you and I share it all. I do have four little ones, sleeping upstairs at the moment. Three boys (7, 5 and 2) and a little girl. (six months). They are the most important treasures of my life, and I also think very often, whether I would be a better mother to them if I wasn't in a situation I was in.
I am slowly realizing my husband will only try to change on those days when he feels the gulit and remorse for some irresponsible and dumb behaviour the day before. It doesn't last very long. He is a very good man, with a big heart, but he is also a passive agressive person, very, very difficult to speak to. I truly feel very emotionally divorced from him at this stage, as so many isssues we have are not dealt with at all.

I also need to try to set some boundaries as far as drinking in front of the children, but not sure how to go about them. I am not so sure that the ultimatum style approach will work and that it may make things harder in some ways.

I have joined Al-Annon and listened to others. At this stage, not sure how it can help, but it is good to just talk to others and maybe get some ideas as to how to cope.

I am not happy. And I know he is not either. I know he'd do anything for the children and our family, but somehow giving up alcohol seems to be little bit too much to ask.

Just now he called and let me know that he'd sleep at the office because he was having dinner with someone. He asked whether I'd like if he came home later with a taxi. I left it up to him. And he will stay in town, of course. Trutfully, I was hoping that he would, as I just could not stand watching him walk through the door intoxicated. It just kills me. I almost have an anxiety attack. But sitting here and writing this, I almost feel at peace. I had an easier time with the children tonight, as I was much calmer and did not have to worry about him drinking downstairs, while I am bathing, dressing, reading books and breastfeeding my six month old.

What does that say about me? Would I be better person if we were not leaving together anymore? And then I start thinking of all of those issues you brought up in your first post. Which way to go? I would, in some way, regret either choice I make. I am hurting my children both ways.

I know Al-Annon teaches you to Let go and Let God. At this stage it is still really hard for me too to let go and detach. I feel like I am letting him down. I know that is irrational thought, but I do have many of those every single day.

I am going to get some books on the subject and browse through. Maybe you could do the same. Let's keep in touch if that helps. I don't check this every day, but will try to be more regular.

I hope you are hanging on somehow. I wish we could help each other somehow. We have so much in common as far as our feelings and thought processes.

Wherever you are at the moment, I hope you are smiling.

Bye for now,
Sonja
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Old 03-18-2008, 03:25 AM
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I have nothing to add - but Hello & welcome to the board.
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:11 AM
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Boundries

Everyone's posts were so comforting and helpful yesterday. This weekend my AH had been up all night drinking and came and crawled into bed with me that morning and told me that he came to the conclusion that this is the way he is and that if I can't learn to deal with it I should just leave. This also happened to be the morning of my AH and youngest son's birthday parties were. I felt helpless. I didn't say a word to him, I just laid there and cried. I have learned to just not talk to him when he drinks, it doesn't help and he doesn't remember. So last night he was pretty relaxed and talking about our plans this weekend. We are planning on going to see my brother and sister for 4 days. I told him that I had been thinking about his comment he made this weekend, and he looked at me confused. So I reminded him of his comment that he isn't going to change and that if I can't learn to deal with it I should maybe just leave. He pretended to remember, but said nothing. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to do everything I could to make our marriage work, but boundaries had to be set. I told him that he could not drink in front of myself or the children, or I would remove us from the situation. I told him that if we were in a situation such as christmas that I couldn't leave right at the moment that as soon as it was finished the boys and I would be leaving. I told him how our son asked this weekend why his dad has to drink beer, and that he hates it when he drinks because he doesn't help with anything. My husband nodded his head, and looked hurt and sad. I told him that the boys and I would love for him to spend easter with us, but if he was wanting to drink that he should go spend easter with his family. He told me that he would not drink and that we wanted to spend easter with me and the boys. He listened to everything I said, and didn't get defensive. I then dropped the whole conversation, and didn't go any further. I had so much more I wanted to say, but i didn't want to get into an argument or lose the point I was trying to make. This weekend we will be spending 8 hours in the car traveling, maybe an opportunity rises and he will want to talk more about it. I have been trying to learn how to make a point and then drop it. When I keep talking he gets defensive, and then I made absolutely no progress. I am also going to talk to my mom and my best friend, about the boys and I possibly staying at there house when a situation arises. My best friend and her husband know what has been going on in my house, but I don't talk to my parents about it. So I just want to let them know that everything is fine, we aren't fighting, I am just being a bigger and better person and removing the boys and I from an unhealthy situation for a day or so. I "Hope" that it will only take a few times, before my husband knows that I am serious about it.

I was also thinking last night about how many years I have been in denial with my husbands alcoholism, so in a way I kinda of understand his denial. It has taken me 9 years to get out of denial. I guess I am just hoping that he will understand why I am doing what I do and I am going to tell him that I need to go to Alanon to help myself, that slowly he may come to terms with his disease. I read the stages of alcoholism. He is in stage 1 and progressing into stage 2. It also said that the earlier you get help the better...makes sense. I hope that he will see that getting help now would be easier than trying to get help once his progressed to the final stages.

My husband is a very loving and caring man with a huge heart. I just pray that he will someday want help.

Thank you to everyone for your great posts and comments. It has made me feel much stronger!
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Old 03-18-2008, 08:14 AM
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PM's

I also wanted to thank those that sent me a PM. It won't let me respond to them until I have 5 posts. Now I am at 4:0)
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Old 03-19-2008, 03:32 PM
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You've made a very long list of everything you CAN'T do (including attending Alanon). How about making a list of what you CAN do? I find that infinitely more productive.

"I can't" leads to nothing. "I can" leads to action.
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Old 03-19-2008, 04:09 PM
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I think it’s great you are learning to set boundaries for yourself but boundaries don’t work unless you are willing to stick to them. Your statement of {I “hope”that it will only take a few times, before my husband knows that I am serious about it.} that seems to defeat the whole purpose of setting a boundary.

If you are not serious about it the first time or the second time or the third then what he learns is to dance the dance you are teaching him. You leave he begs forgiveness pleads with you and says anything to get you back home. Then it starts all over again until the next time.

Another suggestion is you may want to re-think telling your parents about all this now. As a parent if my son came to me and said everything is fine today but I may come to you when an un-healthy situation arises for a day or two. My reaction would be if a situation is un healthy enough for him to leave with kids then a day or two is not going to change that situation and I would encourage him NOT to go back. At least not until long range healthy plans are in place for him and any children involved. A day or two does not change un-healthy situations.

Your plan is short term and kind of a long the lines of manipulation to control your husbands drinking.

I am glad you are going to attend al-anon.
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