Hi Karisma...I read your story tonight and all the posts related to it and I just needed to send you this. It is almost as if you were writing a story about my life at the moment, I don't even have to say anything else. The experiences, the feelings, the anxieties, you and I share it all. I do have four little ones, sleeping upstairs at the moment. Three boys (7, 5 and 2) and a little girl. (six months). They are the most important treasures of my life, and I also think very often, whether I would be a better mother to them if I wasn't in a situation I was in.
I am slowly realizing my husband will only try to change on those days when he feels the gulit and remorse for some irresponsible and dumb behaviour the day before. It doesn't last very long. He is a very good man, with a big heart, but he is also a passive agressive person, very, very difficult to speak to. I truly feel very emotionally divorced from him at this stage, as so many isssues we have are not dealt with at all.
I also need to try to set some boundaries as far as drinking in front of the children, but not sure how to go about them. I am not so sure that the ultimatum style approach will work and that it may make things harder in some ways.
I have joined Al-Annon and listened to others. At this stage, not sure how it can help, but it is good to just talk to others and maybe get some ideas as to how to cope.
I am not happy. And I know he is not either. I know he'd do anything for the children and our family, but somehow giving up alcohol seems to be little bit too much to ask.
Just now he called and let me know that he'd sleep at the office because he was having dinner with someone. He asked whether I'd like if he came home later with a taxi. I left it up to him. And he will stay in town, of course. Trutfully, I was hoping that he would, as I just could not stand watching him walk through the door intoxicated. It just kills me. I almost have an anxiety attack. But sitting here and writing this, I almost feel at peace. I had an easier time with the children tonight, as I was much calmer and did not have to worry about him drinking downstairs, while I am bathing, dressing, reading books and breastfeeding my six month old.
What does that say about me? Would I be better person if we were not leaving together anymore? And then I start thinking of all of those issues you brought up in your first post. Which way to go? I would, in some way, regret either choice I make. I am hurting my children both ways.
I know Al-Annon teaches you to Let go and Let God. At this stage it is still really hard for me too to let go and detach. I feel like I am letting him down. I know that is irrational thought, but I do have many of those every single day.
I am going to get some books on the subject and browse through. Maybe you could do the same. Let's keep in touch if that helps. I don't check this every day, but will try to be more regular.
I hope you are hanging on somehow. I wish we could help each other somehow. We have so much in common as far as our feelings and thought processes.
Wherever you are at the moment, I hope you are smiling.
Bye for now,
Sonja